American Horror Story: Piggy Piggy

Praise be to Buddha for allowing WiFi on planes, so that I could watch last week's American Horror Story on my way back from Xanadu.  I'm still one episode behind, but things could be worse.  I could be wearing patchouli. 

Jester told me not to write such long recaps of American Horror Story.  Maybe I won't in the future, but I'm on a long flight sitting between two idiots who hopefully can't read.  I have nothing else to do. 

When we last spoke about American Horror Story, Viv was booting Ben from the Murder House, which you might expect, since he's an abortion-hiding philanderer and all.  We also learned that Tate is Constance's son, and he may or may not be the reincarnation of someone who murdered a bunch of high school classmates in or around 1994, which is too bad because that was an awesome time to be in high school.  Ace of Base was telling us not to turn around, a man named Coolio was taking us on a fantastic voyage, and no one had to watch Tim Tebow attempt to quarterback a National Football League team.

1994.  In the Westfield High School library some students are studying (or whatever it is students pretend to do in the library), when shots ring out.  Some guy with long hair a leather jacket runs into the library, closes the door, and barricades it shut with a rolling library cart.  He is obviously on the side of good in the metal vs. grunge debate.  A preppy and a cheerleader are all, "What gives?"  A chick who was probably really into L7 is all, "What's up with what's goin' down?"  Metal Guy (who was definitely one of the ghosts who messed with Tate in the last episode) tells them that someone is shooting up the school.  The idiots don't lock another door.  Tate shoots through it, paralyzing a teacher who probably should have been teaching a class instead of hanging out with a preppy, a cheerleader, and an alternative chick in the library.  Tate then finds L7 in the stacks.  She's all, "Aaaaaaa-andre.  IIIIIIII'm sorry."  Then Tate shoot her in the head.  She no longer needs to pretend that she's dead.  (Great fucking song, by the way.)  Next up is Metal Guy, unfortunately.  Not even a choice taste in music and a heart of gold are a match for a shotgun.  Meanwhile, a nerd grabs the phone at the circulation desk, which begs the question:  where the fuck is Conan the Librarian?  Seems like he would have been a good hire.  Tate finds the nerd, who's all, "Don't you know the Dewey Decimal system?"  Tate's all, "It's all Library of Congress now.  You should know that.  Nerd."  Shotgun blasts are heard.  Preppy decides he's going to put a stop to this.  He emerges from beneath a table and tells Tate to stop.  Tate promptly kills him.  Cheerleader PISSES HERSELF.  Rookie mistake.  She dies.

At the Murder House (still in 1994), the SWAT team bumrushes Tate's bedroom (now Violet's).  Tate is disrespectful, but we don't find out what happened right then.  Later on, we find out he grabbed a gun and the SWAT team mowed him down.  He didn't get a chance to say why he did it.

Back to the present day.  Violet is searching the Westfield High Massacre, and she seems that Tate is the murderer.  W.  T.  F?  Teenage dating is hard enough, but add in a mass murderer who has been dead for 17 years, and you might as well shutter your vagina until you get to Sarah Lawrence.

Constance is in Violet's kitchen when Violet is freaking out.  Constance tells Violet it's the house, then introduces her to Billie Dean Howard, some chick who is NOT endorsing Colt .45 or saving Han Solo's ass.  Billie Dee is a medium, although she does not appear to be an Arquette.  She asks Violet, "Do you think I wanted a bloody Mexican ghost in my bathroom?"  Apparently, this was not a rhetorical question.  Billie Dee explains that Violet is a medium, who must help Tate understand that he's dead.  Violet is understandably all, "Where's Ashton Kutcher?"  Billie Dee's all, "Who's Mary?"  Mary is Violet's dead grandma.  Damn.  Billie Dee cuts to the bone.  Violet runs out crying.

Back at the Murder House, Viv has a nightmare about the giant baby festering in her womb.  She wakes up, takes off her wedding ring, and hits the security panic button so that Ricky comes over.  You can understand the attraction.  Sure, Ricky may have a baby out of wedlock even though he's a senior at Crenshaw, but his head's on straight, and he's a good enough running back to make it out of Compton, unlike his older brother Doughboy.  Anyway, Ricky reveals that his ex-wife is a dyke.

Ben shows up.  Ricky leaves.  Viv turns stone cold.  She explains to Ben that he is only to be in the house to see patients, but that their marriage is through.

Violet is upstairs contemplating suicide.  Oopsies!

Guess who Ben's new patient is?  Fucking Cam from Modern Family!  Things must not be going well with Mitchell (who can be a bit of a curmudgeon) because Cam is terrified of urban legends – particularly Piggy Man.  Apparently, Piggy Man is a hog butcher from 1890s Chicago who had an authentic pig mask and killed his victims by butchering them and draining them over bathtubs.  If you stand in front of a mirror with the lights off and say "Here piggy piggy," he shows up and butchers you.  For free!  I do that pretty much every time I'm in front of a mirror and nothing has ever happened, other than feelings of shame.

Being the caring twat that she is, Constance brings some pig innards to Viv to help combat morning sickness.  Yeah, that should do it.  Old Moira fries that shit up for the Viv, aside from the pancreas, which of course should be eaten raw.  Doctors are always telling pregnant chicks to eat raw meats.

Meanwhile, Ben does what any well-educated psychiatrist does.  He makes Cam do the Piggy Man in the mirror in the upstairs bathroom in the Murder House.  Cam doesn't make it though the last "piggy," but sees a dead woman nonetheless.  He declares himself "broken."  Damn you, Mitchell!

Violet heads to the library where Tate killed those kids and runs into the paralyzed teacher, looking for answers.  The teacher is a little ornery.  He offers nothing but anger.

Back at the Murder House, Moira serves up something for Viv for dinner.  Raw brain.  Jesus.  Admittedly, the sight of a pregnant chick devouring an animal brain gave me a plumpy.  I also vomited profusely.  Wasn't the first time those happened simultaneously.

Violet returns home and sees Tate head into the basement, which I still think the Harmons should finish.  Down there, she runs into all of the ghosts that haunt the house.  The ginger twins.  Dr. Charles.  The nurse who was murdered.  The copycat killers who were murdered.  It's a bit more than she can handle.  So she goes up to her room and pops a bunch of anti-anxiety pills she got from that chick who bullied her in the first episode who got her face scratched by Tate in the basement.  Tate finds Violet, drags her into the bathroom, and makes her puke.  By the way, before any toddler steps foot on an airplane, he or she should be drugged and muzzled.  I'm looking your way, FAA.

Viv goes to a church to meet the ultrasound tech who fainted when giving Viv an ultrasound.  The tech informs Viv that she saw the "unclean thing" in Viv's womb.  The devil.  Great.  Add that to the list, Viv.

Ben tells Cam to man up, go home, and say the Piggy Man mantra in his bathroom mirror (why is it always in a bathroom?) so that Cam can ask out some chick from accounting and bring her back to his place to bang her without her wondering why the mirrors are covered.  Cam does this, which turns out to be a bit of a gaffe because two burglars are in the house, and one of them is hiding in the shower.  He shoots Cam in the head.  His worst nightmares came true.  Great advice, Ben.

Back at Constance's place, Billie Dee tells Constance that Addie is mad at her.  "The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios."  I highly doubt that, Billie Dee.  There are kids I played with when I was three who I would slap in the mouth right now if I saw them because they didn't share.  Anyway, through Billie Dee, Constance tells Addie how much she loves her and all that shit.

As the episode ends, Tate enters Violet's bedroom.  He's all, "I love you."  They spoon, which is pretty weak for a guy who's been dead for 17 years.

We are left with the following questions:

1.  If Tate has been 15 or 16 since 1994 and hasn't aged, how the hell hasn't he realized he's dead?

2.  Will Ricky get a 700 or better on his SAT?

3.  How bad is Mitchell gonna freak when he walks into the bathroom to find Cam dead on the floor?  And where was Lily during all this?

4.  Where was Latex Man?

5.  Does Billie Dee know anything about Scorpios?

6.  Who would win in a fight, Piggy Man or Candy Man?  Both are from Chicago, with Piggy Man hailing from the Stockyards and Candy Man hailing from Cabrini Green.  Both are summoned in the bathroom.  Both have a flair for the dramatic.  Both are unable to be reasoned with.  Fuck Pacquiao/Mayweather.  This is the fight I want to see.

7.  What's with Rosemary's Baby growing at an exponential rate in Viv's uterus?  Does that mean Ben is the devil?  Why wasn't there some freaky, druggy orgy where the devil impregnated Viv while the neighbors watched?  As far as I know, that's how a devil baby is conceived.

8.  Has the AMA weighed in whether pregnant women should be eating raw pig pancreas and brain?

9.  How will Ben win Viv back?  I bet it's with a Lexus with a giant bow on it.

10.  Will Violet have the heart to tell Tate he's dead?  If so, how will he react?  Violently is my guess.