It's Old Oaken Bucket week, which means it's your annual reminder that I hate Purdue University more than a bag full of donkey dicks with gonorrhea (and, by the transitive property, more than AIDS). I will be attending Saturday's game (3:30 Eastern, Big Ten Network), where my 1-10 Hoosiers will have a chance to eliminate the 5-6 Boilermakers from bowl contention. I could think of no better end to an otherwise miserable season.
Did you know that the first words those Purdue football players who are able to express themselves orally say when they get to Bloomington is "whasat?" That's the sun. "What're them?" Those are girls without muffin tops. "Is this heaven?" Yes. That's why you don't belong here.
As we all know, Purdue is a barren, fetid wasteland, flanked by manure and industrial stench, where mouth-breathing Morlocks shuffle through campus in clothes that are purposely the color of urine. Purdue and the horrible city in which it's located continue to give normally pigmented people like me fodder, be it the fact that their university was started by a man who IU refused to hire (presumably due to the ear hair, the chicken he always carried around, and his inability to end a sentence without "wait, what's that noise?"), the giant fan that the city bought to mitigate the ever-present stench of human waste, the alumni association video that asked alumni to give even only five dollars (which for most grads is more than they make in a week) that was so unbearable it was removed from YouTube by its creator, the letter to the editor of Purdue's student newspaper complaining about how "[w]omen at Purdue are too fat," the time Purdue offensive linemen decided to take a group picture in their Speedos, men's basketball coaches who look like Goonies characters (and not the attractive ones), a pregnant Purdue chick drinking a Natty Ice, Purdue students' willingness to smell manure, or everything else about that glorified two-year technical college.
Well, they've done it again. For some reason, these people like to brag about their school's basketball history – one that includes no men's NCAA championships, no men's Final Fours since the Carter administration, and Carson Cunningham. For Christ's sake (by the way, these people continue to believe in God), their "greatest recruiting class ever" didn't even make it past the Sweet 16.
They've, for some reason, decided to make a t-shirt for the rededication of Mackey Arena – a basketball arena that is most famous for its lack of national championship banners. Here are two pictures of the t-shirt. (Thanks to Hess for the link.)
"Rebirth of an Icon?" An icon of what? Mediocrity? Helmets of hair? Stephanie McCarty? Purdue is, at best, the sixth best basketball program in Big Ten history. In case it isn't obvious from the shirt, these dung beetles have combined their men's and women's basketball achievements, from both before and after Mackey Arena was in existence. How can you pay homage to an arena whose best team was worse than Butler's second-best team?
And grammatically, the shirt is a disaster. Why. are. there. periods. in. between. words? You know why? A lack of command of the English language. I suppose that'll happen when your first language is "ag."
Also, unless you win a tournament, you're not a national champion. For Purdue, their women's basketball team did actually win the 1999 NCAA championship. The students then RIOTED. Couches were burned. Riot gear was donned. In East Lansing, that's a Wednesday. On the less successful men's side, Purdue's only "national championship" is the 1932 Helms Athletic Foundation national championship. Do you know what that is? Absolutely nothing. The Helms Athletic Foundation was founded in 1936, and retroactively declared who it thought was the best team in college basketball going back to 1901 and naming them "national champions." By that measure, IU has at least two more national titles (1975 and 1993). For the record, the Purdue men's basketball team has won only one post-season tournament, the 1974 NIT. Why that wasn't included on the t-shirt is beyond me. Then again, I abide by the rules of logic and history.
In sum, during this Oaken Bucket weekend, you should remember that, no matter what happens in the game, people at IU don't have neckbeards. They don't major in animal husbandry. They don't whistle to communicate. While IU may not win this game, sweet fucking Christ, at least we didn't spend four years in the single most miserable place on the planet. In case I wasn't clear, fuck Purdue. Go Hoosiers. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
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5 comments:
People like you make me smile because you only serve as a verification why a Purdue education is much better than one received in Bloomington. Good luck to you in your endeavors and your pursuit of a career with your sub par liberal arts degree :)
Thanks for the comment, Anonymous. Your comment suggest that you need to overcompensate for some sort of insecurity about your education. Also, as an FYI, IU's "sub par liberal arts" programs are, with one or two exceptions, ranked significantly higher than Purdue's programs. There's that math thing again. Or maybe it's reading comprehension. Either way, keep trying. You'll probably figure it out.
I hate Purdue. But those aren't periods... those are trademark symbols after Big Ten, NCAA, and Final Four.
That last comment was a good point. I noticed that the author did not choose to comment on his mistake. I wonder why that is.
Thanks for your concern, Anonymous. I didn't feel a need to comment because it is not clear from the only photo of the shirt that I saw that those were trademarks symbols, and I didn't think the periods were a very large point in my post. It just wasn't really worth an explanation. I hope this allays your confusion.
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