If you have any friends in Chicago and have been on Facebook, you undoubtedly know that the Cubs -- Major League Baseball's band of lovable losers who haven't been to a World Series since the Truman administration and haven't won a World Series since the first Roosevelt administration (as in Teddy) -- beat the St. Louis Cardinals in the National League Divisional Series. Based on the shitshow going on in my city right now and the helicopters hovering in the skies near my house, you would think the Cubs won the World Series.
I don't like it when the Cubs succeed, for many reasons, most notably because my two favorite baseball teams are the White Sox -- who have been crosstown rivals with the Cubs since before the Cubs won their last World Series in 1908 -- and the Astros -- who were intradivision rivals in the NL Central from 1994 to 2012. So, pardon me if I don't jump on the Cubs bandwagon. On top of this, tens of thousands of drunk morons -- many of whom are more interested in celebrating a Cubs victory than actually celebrating the Cubs -- converge on Wrigleyville and act like it's Madri Gras. People, it's just the NLDS.
If I'm coming across as bitter, it's because, well, I'm bitter. Anytime the Cubs are in the playoffs and the Sox aren't, I'm bitter. With all apologies to many of my friends who are diehard Cubs fans (and who aren't the fucking poseurs who tend to pollute that giant bar they call Wrigley), I don't want the Cubs win the NLCS, and I sure as hell didn't want to see them win the NLDS. If they were to ever win a World Series (which I hope doesn't happen in my lifetime), I honestly think this city would burn again. And I can't imagine how bad things would be if the Cubs made it to the World Series and lost.
So, on that note, here are ten things I would have rather happened tonight than the Cubs winning their NLDS series:
1. The Cardinals beat the Cubs.
2. Kathy Bates showed up on my front porch wearing nothing but two band-aids and a cork.
3. I ate a mushroom, right after getting a paper cut.
4. The City of Chicago planted a tree in my parkway, but it turned out to be one of those ginkgo trees that drops those pods that smell like shit.
5. I turned on the radio and it was a Steely Dan block.
6. Son had explosive diarrhea that managed to seep out both sides of his diaper, soaking the white pants I just put on him, even though it's after Labor Day and that's a total faux pas.
7. I had to watch a mime perform for like five minutes.
8. Someone bought me a beer, but it turned out to be an IPA.
9. Channel 26 replaced Seinfeld reruns at 10 and 10:30 p.m. with Reba.
10. Turns out my real last name is Santo.