Best Christmas Ever

Well, the firm holiday party went off without a hitch, or so I assume. Nothing quite like slamming Dewar's at noon on a Thursday with your bosses watching. I was trying my damnedest to drink in scotch what I hadn't been given as a bonus. As far as I know, I didn't say anything too stupid. I do remember ripping on this one turbo Christian guy that I went to law school with who works at my firm. Yeah, we get it, you hate it when people say "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Stop talking.

The holiday party ended as every holiday party should: with the office manager giving Holt $20 to go to CVS to "get as much beer as you can for $20." Bear in mind that at this point, there are about 8 of us who had closed down the party and had made our way back to the office with drinks in hand. Holt returned promptly with 2 12-packs and a 40.

Apparently drinking scotch starting at noon, accented with a delightful almond-crusted tilapia, followed by several hours of drinking beer has an adverse effect on my stomach. Only through chugging vast amounts of water and ancient Assyrian mind-control techniques did I ward off the often-feared "shit-puke," which I have luckily never had to experience. The night ended with a viewing of HBO's phenomenal show, Cathouse, which is a documentary show about the Bunny Ranch outside of Vegas. And you thought you loved hookers before.

Friday, Jester, Harley, and I headed to the in-laws' (mine, not Jessie's) house in metropolitan Roanoke, Indiana. By virtue of a raffle amongst all family members, we had Christmas Eve dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Ft. Wayne, which was all good with me, even though my entry in the dinner raffle was "linguini with clam sauce." After dinner, we opened presents (such pagan pre-Christmas present opening was strictly forbidden in my house). I guess the rule in their house is that the new guy gets the most presents because I racked 'em up. If you take a look at the multitude of presents by the tree, all but about 2 of them were for me. I got CDs, DVDs, books, t-shirts, a Casio karaoke keyboard, and a bottle of good scotch.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Christmas Day smacks me upside the head with 2009 years of limp dick. I got about 10 hours of sleep, which -- for those of you who have never had 10 hours of sleep -- is awesome. Ari, Jessie, Harley, and I decided to head back to Chicago Sunday instead of Monday. In Columbia City, Indiana, at the junction of US-30 and IN-9, we were stopped next to none other than former first lady Barbara Bush driving a Buick (see below). Man, I can't believe George H.W. Bush married a dude.

We dropped Ari off in the city, then headed to my crib, where the family was just finishing Chirstmas dinner. They had no idea we were going to be coming home a day earlier than previously planned, so you can imagine the confusion and excitement when we sent Harley (my dog) in the back door while we waited outside. My aunt says something along the lines of "oh look, a dog," apparently concluding that the dog had unlocked and opened the back door all by herself and was just popping in for a quick drink and a chat about the market. So then Jessie and I bust in, shouting about Christmas miracles and such. We got to open some more presents and then got to watch the end of the Bears/Packers game (Bear Down muthatruckas!!) Then I watched the 10th anniversary extended version of Mallrats, which was pretty good, although the extra half-hour they added to it didn't add all that much to the movie.

Then today, I got to open even more presents at my dad's house. Triple bonus. If I don't get any presents tomorrow, I'll probably flip out and finally start that killing spree I've been talking about for all these years.

GMYH would like to wish a Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish reader, whoever you may be. GMYH would also like to wish a Happy Boxing Day to all of our Canadian readers, or as ubergenius Tucker Carlson might call you, our retarded cousins. Well, have a good one, and be on the lookout for Mr. 6000's biography coming soon.