"Well Just Talk About the Future, Forget About the Past"

Hair Band Friday is rockin' as usual. On the jukebox we got some awesome albums: AC/DC's post-Bon-Scott masterpiece "Back in Black," Warrant's sophomore effort "Cherry Pie," and Motley Crue's shit-kickin' "Greatest Hits." Man, it's been pretty crazy in my office since the HBF Christmas Party last Friday. That stripper on the South Pole who was dressed up like a penguin OD'd on angel dust. Luckily, we had a back-up on call to fill in for her. I've been on a four day memo-writing binge, supplemented with a healthy dose of Jack and coke (and I don't mean the kind being hawked on TV by those freaky-ass polar bears). I've never felt so alive.

As usual, The OC was phenomenal last night. It was the annual Chrismukkah episode. For those of you who don't know what that means, it's a holiday that combines Christmas and Hanukkah, created in 2003 by Seth Cohen, whose mom is Christian and dad is Jewish. As Seth explained last night, "Every Jewish boy dreams of having Christmas. I gave myself that." Not only is this a sweet idea, but it's also a sweet word combination, which I obviously support wholeheartedly.

Anyway, this year's Chrismukkah miracle was two-fold:

Miracle #1: Seth came up with the brilliant idea to give Ryan an honorary Bar Mitzvah (the "Bar Mitz-vahkkuh") to raise money to give to Johnny so that he can get the knee operation he so desperately needs to get back on the surfing tour. Hesitant at first, Ryan decides that this is a good idea. As you can see, he becomes so delighted with the idea that he actually eats shit and subsequently grins, which is simply out of character for someone from Chino. Needless to say, he's lucky Volchok didn't see this side of him, or else Volchok might not have been so eager to walk away from that fight under the pier when it looked as though Ryan was going to gut Volchok from crotch to throat with a broken wine bottle, keeping Volchok alive just long enough to see Ryan eating his innards with a similar smile on his face as this one.

Miracle #2: It turned out that Johnny didn't want to be some charity case, so he refused to accept the whole Bar Mitz-vahkkuh idea. He told everyone he would take care of it on his own. Apparently he figured, what better way to pay for an operation to repair a torn ACL than by leaving in the middle of your friend's fake Bar Mitzvah to hold up a convenience store? Surely that will reap $5,000-$10,000 and have no consequences. It's this same line of reasoning that allows him to avoid the barber shop.

Miracle #3 was almost pulled off, but just as she was about to sit down to eat something for the first time in nearly 2 years, Marissa noticed Johnny buying the gun with which he eventually was going to hold up the convenience store. Sadly, Marissa got up from the table to go talk to Johnny below the pier, thus allowing the inner lining of her stomach to continue to devour itself.

Anyway, it looks to be a good rest of the season, as Marissa's little sister returns from wherever the hell she's been since Season One's finale. It appears that the time away has been kind to Kaitlin Cooper. She has now become some sort of Lolita, set on turning all that angst toward her nuevo-trailer-trash mom and absent dad into a chance to spread her legs all around town. That'll show 'em! Here are some questions raised by this episode and the preview for the next episode:
1. Will Julie Cooper-Nichol continue to dip alone in her trailer? If so, when will she contract mouth cancer? A related question is whether living in a trailer park actually does force you to buy and use Skol.
2. How many dudes will Kaitlin Cooper do before someone gets arrested for statutory rape? My hopes is that it's hundreds, if not thousands.
3. When the gang tries to petition Harbor to let Marissa back in, will Dean Hess reprise his role as Supreme Cock Chugger? If so, just how many cocks will he chug during each episode? Anything under 50 would be a disappointment.
4. Will Marissa finally eat something? If so, what will it be? Maybe an almond? Or a dried prune? Or a cookie crumb? Or an ice cube? Will she just throw it right back up, since she has conditioned her body to sustain itself without such toxins?
5. Assuming Johnny has the knee surgery, will his head please have to be shaved for the operation?
6. Isn't it about time for Teresa to show up with Ryan's kid?
7. Now that Summer's dad (who I thought resembled a combination of Edward James Olmos and Hellboy) has made one appearance on the show, will he never have to be seen again?
8. How will the show's producers possibly make up a scenario where all of the kids go off to college, but the show stays intact? Will it be like Saved By the Bell: The College Years, where Zack, Kelly, Slater, and Screech conveniently went to the same school, Cal U, while Jessie and Lisa were cut out of the show because they went to school elsewhere? Or will it be like Beverly Hills, 90210, where everyone except the ugliest character (that nerdy Andrea Zuckerman) went to the same school, which I think was also called Cal U? My guess is that everyone except Johnny will go to a school named Cal U because Johnny will die in a surfing-with-a-shitty-haircut-related accident.

Jester and I are off to the glorious western suburbs of glorious Chicago for the wedding of Ryan "The Dane" Knudsen to his longtime girlfriend/fiancé Carrie "I Can't Believe I'm Marrying a Dane" Bunting. It's sure to be a good time. Plus, I'm leaving work around 2. Holla.