Holiday Party

Today at noon is my firm's holiday party. It goes from noon to 4 and has an open bar. My guess it that they do this as a "fat-trimming" exercise, enabling them to fire the person or persons who get the drunkest and make the biggest asses out of themselves. Like the guy who got fired a couple years before I got here. This is a great story, so I'll set the scene for you.

A male associate in his mid to late 20s gets rip-roarin' wasted at the annual holiday party. Also in attendance is an attractive, notoriously promiscuous, female summer associate from the previous summer, who was in town for the party. He told her that, if it wasn't too much of an inconvenience for her, he wanted to "take her back to [his] house and fuck [her] brains out and then bring over some of [his] friends so they could fuck [her] brains out" and that he wanted "to hear [her] head hitting the wall," on account of the hate-fucking I guess. Apparently this offended her, even though the requests were surprisingly not out of the question for her. She went straight to a partner and told her what the guy said, and the partner went straight up to the guy and fired him right there on the spot. Now that he no longer worked there, it wasn't sexual harassment, so the girl ended up going home with him.*

I hope to get drunk enough to rally the other non-bonus-getting associates (i.e., all but about 5) and stage a massive coup. My newly established puppet regime will support lock-step bonuses based on the number of billable hours over the minimum. We will also support polygamy, which I think will ultimately be the firm's downfall.

*That last sentence is complete lie, but man, that would've been a sweet end to the story. Instead, the guy just found a job at another firm in town, and the girl got fired the next year when it turned out that the reason she couldn't sit for the bar was because she never graduated law school.