We All Scream for Ice Cream

On my walk to work today, I saw an ice cream truck cruising down the street. In case you're wondering, the temperature at the time was a balmy 25, with a windchill of 15. Which brings me to my next point: I think murder should be legal in certain situations. You may be saying to yourself, "But GMYH, isn't that a bit harsh?" The answer is a resounding "hell to the no" when it comes to the following situations:
-Parents who allow their young children to be androgynous. Sure, it's really fun for on-lookers to debate whether your kid is a boy or a girl, but it turns out that boys hate being mistaken for girls and vice versa. So that means that your boy should never have hair that looks like Farrah Fawcett's and girls should not have hair that looks like Brian Bosworth's. If they do, you get an axe to the face. It's only fair.
-Notre Dame fans. And I'm not just talking about the pretentious SOBs and DOBs that went there. I'm also talking about the people who are somehow Notre Dame fans, in spite of the fact that they didn't go there, no one in their family went there, and they've never even been to South Bend. And no, you don't get off the hook if you like them because you're Irish or Catholic.
-Anyone who has ever played in a band called Steely Dan. They need to pay dearly for exposing the world to their music.
-Southerners. No comment necessary.
-People who talk on cell phones in elevators containing more than one person. They should be forced to swallow their cell phones whole while being branded all over their bodies by circus clowns and kicked in the shins by everyone else in the elevator.
-Homeless people. This wasn't my first solution to the homeless problem, but all of the networks (even Fox) rejected my idea for "The Real Survivor," a reality show in which all of the homeless people in America are flown to a deserted island and forced to fend for themselves. The last remaining contestant would get to choose one of the following three prizes: (1) a big bowl of rice; (2) a brand new, top-of-the-line shopping cart; or (3) the chance to run one of Donald Trump's companies.
-Danes. Those self-righteous Scandinavian bastards have been sticking their noses in the air for too damn long, with their pastries, fjords, and fairy tales. From Copenhagen to Jutland, their reign of terror must be stopped.
-Holocaust deniers. Might not be necessary if all Southerners are killed.
-Anyone named Ashlee Simpson. Just make sure to avoid punching her in her bulbous chin of steel, in which case your hand will instantly dissolve, you will start lip-synching your own shitty songs, and then you will be booed out of the room.
-Morbidly obese people who refuse to do anything about it. Or I guess we can just wait 6 months.
-People who back into parking spots. Just thinking about it makes me too enraged to type any more.

Please feel free to add your own suggestions.

I sincerely apologize for not having a fantasy update for the past few weeks. I know a lot of you have asked about how my fantasy football season is going. Well, here you go:
-Corn Hole'ers (1976 Tampa Bay Bucs): 6-8 regular season (4th of 8, 4 games out) (4th seed in the playoffs, which start this week)
-FIC You (The Worst Team Ever): 3-10 regular season (T 9th of 10, 7 games out) (9th seed in the consolation bracket of the playoffs, which started last week, and I am currently winning the battle for 9th place)
-Glenview Gridiron (Angry Pirates): 9-3 (1st of 12, 1 game up) (1st seed in playoffs, which start this week)
-League of Extraordinary Gents (Angry Pirates): 5-9 (T 7th of 10, 5 games out) (8th seed in the consolation bracket of the playoffs, which start this week)
-Pigskin 2005 Pick 'Em (Angry Pirates): 5th of 17 (15th last week)