You Know You're From Southwestern Ohio If . . .

After living in Dayton for over two years, I have come across a variety of trends in the way people in southwestern Ohio act, drive, and go about their daily lives. This is obviously a pure stereotype, and does not apply to most of the people I know, but I'll be damned if it ain't the truth. So, without further ado . . .

You know you're from southwestern Ohio if . . .

1. You go 5 mph below the speed limit. In the left lane. For 50 miles.
2. You have no idea who the White Stripes are, but you can name every Kenny Chesney song ever made.
3. You are a diehard Ohio State fan, even though you didn't go there, no one in your family went there, and no one who lives on your block went there.
4. To you, a yield sign means that you must come to a complete stop when merging onto the highway.
5. You think the word "crayon" is pronounced "crown," "Versailles" is pronounced "verr-sales," and "Bellefontaine" in pronounced "bell-fountain."
6. At the beginning of every NFL season, you honestly believe that the Bengals have a shot at winning the Super Bowl. The Bengals!
7. Your paralyzing fear of change dominates every aspect of your life, from the way you vote against your own interests to the fact that you've convinced yourself that moving away would in fact kill you.
8. Any sort of precipitation while you are driving causes a temporary loss of chromosomes.
9. You hear a song for the first time on the radio six months after your friends in LA, New York, and Chicago first heard the same song.
10. You have no friends in LA, New York, or Chicago.
11. You think Pete Rose is genuinely a good guy with no more problems than you or me.
12. You've heard the term "turn signal" before, but you're not really sure what it means.
13. You do, however, understand what "Who Dey!" means, and you are not afraid to yell it whenever you see another Bengals fan, no matter where you might be, whether it's in a home, bar, restaurant, church, or funeral home.
14. You think the word "grandmother" is pronounced "Mee-maw" and "grandfather" is pronounced "Paa-paw."
15. You hate the drive to Columbus because it's way too long.
16. You're from Cincinnati and you have no idea how to get to Dayton or even where it is.
17. You're in a NASCAR fantasy league.
18. You've never lived within two miles of someone who is a different race than you are (and no, Irish is not a race).
19. "Touchdown Jesus" means a giant plaster statue of Jesus along I-75.
20. You seriously think that Ohio State is a better school than Michigan.
21. When someone is speaking Spanish, you think they're speaking "Mexican."
22. You cringe every time Ken Griffey, Jr. chases down a fly ball.
23. You have a sticker on your car with Calvin pissing on one of the following: the logo of a car company different than the one that made yours; the number of the NASCAR driver with whose driving ability you are less than impressed; Osama bin Laden.
24. What you refer to as "chili" has the look, feel, and taste of diarrhea.
25. You don't quite understand why any of this is funny.