Ashlee Simpson Doesn't Deserve To Be An Aunt

Fresh off her divorce from the only thing in her life that kept her somewhat in touch with reality, Jessica Simpson has now decided that she cannot go any longer without having kids. Since nearly every man in the world has made the heroic and well-reasoned decision to prevent her from extending her bloodline to future generations, young Jessica is milling around with the idea of adoption. This horrifying thought presents us with the possibility that some poor child or (God forbid) children out there will, in several years, believe the following:

• Buffaloes have wings
• Chicken of the Sea is a brand of canned chicken that tastes like tuna
• Rigor mortis is someone's name
• There was once an animal called the platymapus, which is now called the platypus
• Camping calls for Louis Vuitton
• A veneer is actually called a venture
• Grandpa Joe is doing anything but whoring your untalented ass out for his own benefit
• It's completely appropriate to spend $55,000 on a watch to give your husband for his birthday
• Age 25 is almost middle-aged
• The correct pronunciation of "God" is "Gaa"
• It's okay to look like or spell your name like Aunt Ashlee
• Doing your own laundry is completely unacceptable
• Mommy's talented
• You have more than a snowball's chance in hell of acquiring the life skills necessary to achieve something more than being "the kid that Jessica Simpson adopted"

My favorite line from the article: "She recently signed on to star in Major Movie Star as an actress who hits rock bottom and enlists in the Marines." Talk about a fish out of water in a fish-out-of-water story. What Hollywood geniuses thought she was the right choice? Were they wowed by her out-of-the-box performance as an undereducated, backwards, Southern piece of meat in Dukes of Hazzard? Or was it her riveting portrayal of herself in the "These Bites Are Made For Poppin'" Pizza Hut commercial? Or was it her Ivy League education? By "Ivy League," of course, I mean "complete lack of any legitimate formal."