"Lock the Cellar Door"

Hair Band Friday is here, and I gotta tell you, I'm a bit surprised at how crazy it is today. Granted, I'm pumped that Duke lost, but I never expected some of these ladies to be so excited. "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison, "You're Crazy" by G 'N F'n R, and "Lick It Up" by KISS were the last three songs to come through my speakers, which are cranked to 11, by the way. Pretty much since the game ended last night, I've been bonging Jack and practicing depositions with some random chick named Tara. I don't know about you, but I wish all my deponents were near-comatose hot chicks wearing nothing but clear plastic high heels, a Livestrong bracelet, and a small, well-groomed vertical strip of hair several inches below the belly button. Meanwhile, Lucy and Candi keep yammering away about wanting pearl necklaces, but I keep telling them that I don't have any jewelry. I guess women get greedy after drinking tequila off each other's naked bodies for several hours. Then there's this other chick who ate some shrooms and has been riding a burnt orange tricycle around my office (buck naked, of course), yelling "hook 'em 'horns" every 5 seconds. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I may have to give her something to put in her mouth to shut her up, if you know what I mean. Maybe a Zone bar or some raisins.

There has been a rumor floating around that Marissa Cooper actually ate last night on screen during The OC. Since I was watching last night's glorious NCAA basketball action, I have not yet had the opportunity to confirm or deny this rumor. If it is true, however, it was episode 69 (seriously, how awesome is that!), which means that Holt "Your Fire" Hedrick is the winner of the hilariously imaginative OC When Will Marissa Eat? Pool. As of now, he is the unofficial winner. Upon my own personal viewing of the episode (I have it on my DVR), I will declare that he is or is not the official winner. God help us all.

For those of you looking for something completely awesome to do this Sunday while waiting for the Elite 8 games to start, tune into VH1 Classic at 2pm EST for one full hour of Nena's 1984 apocalyptic classic, "99 Luftballoons" (aka "99 Red Balloons"). And yes, both the German and English versions. Why? Because some Captain Courage with $35,000 paid for it. I yearn for the day when I can make VH1 Classic play "Take On Me" by Norwegian supergroup a-ha for 24 hours straight. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out what the hell is going on in that video. Is he real? Is he a cartoon? What about her? How desperate and/or slutty is this chick if she's willing to jump into a comic book just get a piece of ass from some guy she's never met before? Should he be concerned about that? Is he colorblind at all times, or only when he's a cartoon? Will he remain a cartoon, or will he stay in the real world with her forever for what can only be described as some uproariously awkward encounters with full-color, real-life situations? If so, how long with it take him to adjust? And what did he do to propmt elderly motorcycle racers to come after him with wrenches? Is there any risk that they will become real? If so, are they able to navigate real-world streets well enough to find her apartment? Is this guy any good in the sack, or is all of the effort put forth for this cartoon-to-real-life conversion going to be wasted after one disappointing night? Does he want kids? If so, does he want to raise them in the real world or in the friendly confines of poorly drawn black-and-white comic book hallways? Shouldn't she figure this stuff out before she jumps into a relationship (or into bed) with this guy? I'll gladly pay $840,000 to find out.