"I Took the City 'Bout 1 A.M., Loaded, Loaded"

Talk about a Hair Band Friday for the ages: IU won last night in dramatic fashion, it's St. Patrick's Day, and I'm going to the tournament games today in Dayton. Since the end of IU's come-from-behind victory, it's been insane here in my office. The music is pumping, and the last three songs have been especially rockin': "Youth Gone Wild" by Skid Row, "Rocks Off" by Def Leppard, and "Livin' After Midnight" by Judas Priest. Amphetamines have been tossed around like a Dutch whore, giving me enough juice to go on an all-night brief-writing-and-sex bender. About 4am, we finally realized that it was St. Patrick's Day, so this chick Samantha (we all call her "Toucan Sam" because she once did herself with a toucan beak after she watched me and Nick conduct a particularly kickass document review session back in '03) busts out the green body paint and ecstasy-laced Shamrock Shakes. So now I have green paint splattered all over my office, clothes, and various discrete body parts, and the noises coming from my office have been a mixture of totally awesome music, boisterous laughter, and screaming orgasms. How the hell am I going to explain this one to the bosses? They're already concerned about my productivity, given the fact that I have a full bar and two stripper poles in my office, as well as a slough of willing, trashy-hot ladies wearing crotch-length mini-skirts (and rarely any underwear) parading in and out on any given Friday. Fucking suits. They wouldn't know a good time if it slapped them repeatedly in the face with a used Trojan. No worries, though, because I'll be ducking out before noon to head over to UD Arena for some NCAA action. Plus, they know not to fuck with me because I always have brass knuckles on me. Always.