"But Back Home They'll Always Run To Sweet Melissa"

Just when I thought K-Fed was the biggest embarrassment to men, Brian "Intern" Ezell sent me the link to Troy's Mixtape of Love. Apparently Troy Gregory of Boise, Idaho made a 14-minute spoken-word CD for his girlfriend, Melissa Kaiser, on their 6-month anniversary. I can only assume that he made this CD while buck naked in his room, which I have a pretty strong feeling was plastered with pictures of Melissa, not unlike the room Adrienne devoted to Nick in the 1993 Alicia Silverstone and Cary Elwes vehicle, The Crush.

Apparently Melissa broke up with Troy and posted the CD online for all to hear. I would too if my only 6-month-anniversary present was the worst CD ever made (yes, even worse than System of a Down).

Here's a tip for you lovestruck guys out there: Under no circumstances should you ever put your voice on a tangible medium declaring your undying love for someone (especially someone you have dated for only six months), and never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever tell someone you've dated for six months that "this is like only one of our many many many many anniversaries, and there's many many many many many more to come. And I know that for a fact."

Here's a tip for you ladies out there: This shit is not cute or sweet. If a guy ever makes you something like this (especially after only 6 months), break up with him immediately because he's a fucking psycho (and -- I can't stress this enough -- make sure you post the CD on the internet). Let's take a look at some of his quotes:

• "I will never lose attraction to you."
• "I care for you more than anything that I could ever care for or have cared for in my entire life. Or will ever care for."
• "You've done so much for me, and I'll never forget any of it. Any of it."
• "You're a part of me. You're in me, Melissa."
• "I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want to lose you. Ever."
• "You're all I ever think about Melissa. 24/7. Nonstop. No matter what I'm doing, you're all I ever think about. No matter what I'm doing. Even when I sleep I think about you. Mmmmm, my babe, I love you. You're seriously all I ever think about. Every moment of every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year -- well, maybe not a year yet. But as soon as I've known you for a year, you're all I ever will be thinking about for a year."
• "I will never ever leave you."

These aren't the kinds of things a sane guy says to someone he's dated for 6 months. These are words spoken by a guy who will boil rabbits and "won't be ignored" when you try to break up with him. Also, anyone who calls you "my babe" (as in "hey there my babe" or "I love you so so so so so so much my babe") and feels the need to say it over 75 times in a 14-minute span should be permanently removed from your "Possible Husbands" list, which I assume all unwed women keep and update regularly.

Here are some other highlights to listen for:

• Right before the 5-minute mark, he says, "We have so many memories together. I'll never forget any of them. I mean . . . watermelonhead." And that's the only memory he can conjure up. Pretty weak, considering that she's all he's ever thought about since the moment he met her.
• Around the 6:20 mark, he starts singing a heartfelt rendition of K-Ci and Jo Jo's seminal hit, "All My Life." It turns out that she didn't feel the same way too.
• He follows "All My Life" up with a bush league attempt at "If You're Not the One" (I'm extremely proud that I have no idea who originally sings that), stopping after about 20 seconds, apparently so overcome with emotion that he was unable to sing anymore.

Perhaps Troy also bought her a gun rack for their anniversary, even though Melissa doesn't own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.

If you cringed while watching Mikey in Swingers repeatedly call that girl Nikki, or if you generally become uncomfortable while watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, then you may not enjoy this. But if you like train wrecks -- and I know you do -- then this is 13 minutes and 39 seconds of heaven. My sincere hope is that Troy made this CD because he wanted to break up with Melissa (knowing that she would break up with him after hearing it), but he didn't want to come off as the bad guy, since he totally wants to date her friend Brooke. Forever. And ever and ever and ever and ever.