A Light in The Attic

A story on innocence lost greeted us this morning at 7:30 EST with a harrowing Saved By The Bell. It all starts when Zack changes a tire for a girl that goes to USC named Danielle. Zack tells Danielle that he's a photography major at USC. Bold move for a 16-year-old, but apparently college-aged women cannot tell the difference between 16 and 19. If only I had known that before now.

Danielle invites Zack to The Attic, a totally hip dance club where you have to be -- get this -- 18 to get in. Yep, 1-8. Luckily Zack, Slater, and Screech are taking a photography class together, so they make fake IDs that say they're 18. Not 21. 18. Idiots.

They get to The Attic, and after cracking wise with the large bouncer, the group heads in. Zack dances with Danielle. Rather than mack on college chicks, Albert Clifford "Absolutely Charmed" (his words, not mine) Slater only talks about Jessie. Samuel Screech "Donny" Powers keeps getting harassed by a hulking "woman" named Reggie. Despite the many opportunities, at no time does anyone say "Shut the fuck up Donny!" It would have some nice Lebowski foreshadowing. Thanks for nothing Peter Engel.

Anyway, the guys see Jeff (Kelly's boyfriend at the time and also her boss at the Max) totally making out with some blond chick at The Attic. So while Zack (a 16-year-old) is trying to get into a willing college girl's pants, Jeff (a college guy) is trying to get out of a willing 16-year-old's pants. It's the kind of irony that would make O. Henry blush.

Eventually all of the girls (Jessie, Kelly, Lisa) find out that the guys went to The Attic, and they get fake IDs made too. Kelly sees what she's been fighting to deny for half of the episode: Jeff dancing with some other trick. She confronts him, and in a classic college-guy-dating-a-high-school-girl line, he says, "It's not like we're going steady." Bah-zing!! He should've added an "and your fired" just because he could have. And let's face it, no one wants to work with an ex.

Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Zack's mom walks in. You see, she answered Zack's phone in his room when Danielle called to tell him that she wasn't going to be at The Attic until 11. Mrs. Morris shows up just in time for Danielle to show up. No college ass for Zack tonight. He'll have to wait a couple years until he gets to Cal U., or what I like to call "The College Years."