"We're Gettin' Funny In The Back of My Car, I'm Sorry Honey If I Took You Just a Little Too Far"

After a two-week hiatus, Hair Band Friday is back in full effect here in the office. HBF is bittersweet this week, given the recent announcement of my departure. A lot of the ladies are going to miss me. Unfortunately, the unwritten law is that the groupies stay with the firm, not with the attorney. But I'll be taking my stripper poles with me, and I'm excited for some new meat to try them out up in Chi-town. That being said, we're still gonna rock the shithouse these last few Fridays. The last 3 songs blaring out of my speakers were: "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen, "Big Guns" by Skid Row, and "Wait" by White Lion. This chick named Kerri is completely enamored with my expert witness deposition outline writing ability. So much so that she's invited herself to the party in my pants. It's ridiculous sometimes in here. Of course that'll happen with the amount of coke, smoke, and joke flying around. "Joke" is a word combination I just made up for Jack and Coke. In case you were unaware, I love word combinations. Oh, and I also love former strippers named Kerri who can tie cherry stems into knots with their tongues (I assume there is more than one in the world).

Well, another two weeks of The OC has gone by, and I'm becoming extremely pissed off. Here's what we've learned the past two episodes:

1. Seth has been chuggin cocks (not as many as Dean Hess, since it's impossible to out-cock-chug Dean Hess). He didn't get into Brown, but Summer did. In a brilliant move, Seth decides to lie to Summer by telling her that he did get into Brown, but that he wasn't going to go to school there, and then he breaks up with her so that she will go to Brown. Summer, with the help of sex panthress Taylor, thinks Seth is hiding something, so she asks Seth if she still loves him. Oops, pow, surprise, Seth says "no." I know that I would probably do the same thing if it meant never again having sex with the hottest girl I would ever have the opportunity to bang -- in the parlance of our times -- who was essentially begging me to do so.
2. Volchok lives in the lair formerly inhabited by The Lost Boys. Which brings me to my next point: never invite a vampire (or someone who may be a vampire) into your house.
3. Apparently Harbor has some totally gay college sweatshirt bonfire party, where you have to wear the sweatshirt of the college you will be attending. This shit wouldn't have flown at my high school, since they simply don't make that many College of DuPage or "Not Applicable" sweatshirts.
4. That mustached hippie chick Sadie finally left after she realized a life of making beads and hemp necklaces just wasn't going to fly for someone like Ryan, who would be going to Berkeley and had a real future.
5. Sandy and Matt and Dr. Griffin are trying to extort money and deals and lives from each other. Blah blah blah. Sandy dicks over Matt to save the deal with the hospital, and in doing so, nearly drives Kirsten to drink. For shame, Sanford. For shame. I thought I knew you.
6. Matt is moving to Chicago. Maybe I'll see him up there.
7. Ryan goes off to Albuquerque to rope his recovering alcoholic, diner waitress mom into coming to The OC for his high school graduation. In the process, Ryan meets Chloe, a blond seductress who works with Ryan's mom at the diner. After knowing each other for 12 minutes, Ryan and Chloe head back to Ryan's hotel room and take the skin boat to tuna town. So now Ryan might have 2 kids out of wedlock with 2 women in 2 different states, which means he's almost 30% of the way to being the next Shawn Kemp.
8. Volchok throws a totally sweet vampire party at his dungeon. Marissa goes the party because her mom is a total drag and she's totally rebelling. While at the party, she notices Trent Reznor -- who for some reason hangs out with Volchok -- slipping some chick a mickey. That chick is a total bitch named Heather who went to Newport Union with Marissa for a short time, but nonetheless, Marissa decides to help her. So Trent and some other street toughs take Heather out to a van that looks like a poor man's version of the "dog brothers'" Sin Bin from MTV's Sex in the '90s special ("beggin', beggin'"). Marissa follows, saying she left her jacket in the van. She busts open the doors to see Reznor totally dead horsing Heather, and upon the door opening, he says "Hold on. Wait your turn." No mention of feeling her from the inside, though. So NIN leaves the van and Marissa is left to take care of some passed out bitch who has been nothing but mean to her.

Here's what we have left to be resolved in the remaining episodes of the season:

1. Teresa and Ryan's 1st kid will make an appearance, as per the previews for upcoming episodes. Finally. I knew this was going to happen right before Ryan was going to go to college. He should've snatched her ass in a bear trap while he had the chance. Or at least used a condom. But we all know that's impossible. Ryan Atwood doesn't use condoms because latex is defenseless against his sperm.
2. Will Marissa kill Heather? Hell, she almost killed Trey. She was the reason Johnny died. She might as well make it a series. That's what Bundy would have done.
3. It looks as though Anna will be making a return. You may remember Anna from Season One. She was the punk-rock chick who moved to Newport from Pittsburgh and fought with Summer for Seth's affection, eventually giving up and moving back to Pittsburgh. She was everything that The OC wasn't: shitty haircut, tattered clothes, natural breasts, and an independent thinker. Anyway, it looks like she's going to run into Seth, perhaps at Brown (even though Seth hasn't yet gotten in). My guess is that it's going to be a short cameo, since there's no way anyone is going to go to school outside of southern California.
4. Will The OC's newest saucy little tart, Chloe, mysteriously move from New Mexico to Newport? Probably not for another 9 months.
5. Will Sandy continue to work at the Newport Group, thus becoming more and more detached from Kirsten? I would if I was him, since that will drive Kirsten back to the bottle. And we all know that drunk chicks will do just about anything.
6. How many cocks has Dean Hess chugged during his absence in the past 15 episodes? 100? 1000? 10,000? 100,000? 1,000,000? 1,111,100? My guess is yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes, 'cause man, that guy was good at chugging cock.
7. Will Marissa finally break things off with Volchok, now that she knows his friends are hard-rocking, date-raping vampires? Or is she already a vampiress? The undead work quickly and stealthly, you know. Regardless, in order to trap Marissa in his lair, will Volchok create some sort of moat, complete with lava, lava-proof alligators, dogs, bees, and dogs who shoot bees from their mouths? My hope is that Marissa breaks it off with Volchok, then Volchok keeps trying to get Marissa back, then Ryan finally guts Volchok with a broken wine bottle.