C-Bus Nupts

Now that I finally have approximately seven minutes of free time, I have a sliver of time to recap my weekend in Columbus, OH (not IN or GA). Why in God's name would Jester and I be going to Columbus, you ask? For the wedding of Kim "-my Gibbler" Byrum and Casey "I Have No Idea What I'm Getting Into" Mayo, of course. We arrived in C-bus (as all of the locals call it) at approximately 11pm local (or "Eastern") time Friday night. Luckily our hotel was somewhat close to the airport, so it wasn't a long ride. Holt "Your Head Up High" Hedrick met us at the hotel, and we drank a couple beers at the hotel bar, the River City Grille (hereinafter, "RCG"), before calling it a night. I can't speak for everyone else, but I could barely sleep because I was so excited. Either that, or because of Holt's snoring.

Anyway, the ceremony was fine, but let's be honest, no one attends a wedding for the ceremony. There were a few hours in between the ceremony and reception (which was in the hotel--always a good idea), so several of us made our way to the RCG to pay for drinks before the free ones started.

At one point, I made my way to the lobby to make a phone call because the reception was bad in the RCG. Who do I see walking past me in the lobby? None other than "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" regular Colin Mochrie. Having no idea what his name was at the time, I did not approach him. I'm sure there's nothing worse when you're a celebrity than when some devastatingly handsome lawyer comes up to you and says, "Hey, you're that bald guy from "Whose Line Is It Anyway?," aren't you? I don't know your name, but I have seen the show between ten and fifteen times. Well, have a good one." Anyway (pun intended), it turns out that C-list celebrities need to use the ATM to get money, just like you and me. I am proud to say that I later used that very same ATM. Who knows, maybe he and I even have the same PIN. Man, wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake. Too bad we'll never know.

Back to the wedding. The reception started with vigor, as there was a cocktail hour, complete with appattiezers (I would say "hors d’oeuvres," but I have no idea how to spell it). It was during the cocktail hour that several of us watched as the snap of a horse's leg made the 2006 Belmont Stakes completely irrelevant.

Dinner and the rest of the reception are best expressed through pictures and accompanying descriptions:

Kim and Casey kicked off the reception in a very unique way: by having miniature carrier pigeons fly around the ballroom. The trick was that some of them would dive-bomb guests, while others would simply drop little cards with Kim and Casey's favorite movie quotes, which for some reason were all from "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Either way, it made most of the guests uneasy, and it was best to pay close attention to the paths of the pigeons, as Jenn and Jim are shown doing here:

Jamie and Amy took advantage of their night away from AC (whose mullet is not coming in nearly as thick and curly as I would have hoped).

In addition to the carrier pigeons, later in the night Kim and Casey held a very unique contest. It was a same-sex dancing contest, where the contestants were whittled down by a floating white orb. If the orb came to a stop by a couple, that couple was booted from the contest. Jester and Katie are shown here trying to avoid being the orb's next victim. I guess it didn't like the polka.

After getting sauced, Casey shows the camera what he actually thinks of Kim. Kim laughs because she realizes that Casey is dyslexic.

As it turns out, certain types of alcohol, most notably beer, can turn me into a demon-possessed, stupid-face-making bastard.
And wine turns Jester into an evil, yet giddy, seductress.
In lieu of a tangible wedding present, Mike, Jamie, and I decided to give Kim and Casey something more valuable and lasting than fine china: a tear-jerking, blindingly drunk a capella rendition of "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men . . . .

. . . . Followed later in the evening by yet another wedding present: an even drunker a capella version of the Gordon Lightfoot masterpiece, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." There was nary a dry eye in the place as we harmoniously recounted the tale of a ship that fate took from us before its time. Hell, I cry just looking at my face in this picture.

While I thought it was odd (and somewhat inappropriate) for a DJ to play "Raining Blood" by Slayer at a wedding, I wasn't about to miss out an opportunity to totally rock out. I was surprised Jamie knew the words, that Jessie found a way to dance to it, and that Holt kept trying to read a non-existant "message from God" he claimed was written on his right palm.

Luckily for the DJ's sake, he followed Slayer up with The Who's "Baba O'Riley," which got quite a rise from the crowd, save for Jessie, who fell asleep standing up. Because I like to look cool in front of other people, I was playing the air guitar just like Pete Townsend, strumming by bringing the right arm around for a complete circle. I was electric.

Katie demonstrated to everyone what she learned by taking classes from Andy Dick's character in Old School. Meanwhile, Amy looked at the camera as if to say "what the hay?" as Katie continued her demonstration and Jamie seemed to be following Katie's lead.Outside of performing inappropriate acts on bottles of beer (it was a wedding, Katie, not some ramshackle Tijuana burlesque house), it turns out that Katie can't do a fucking shot. Icky! In case you didn't know, I like to ruin pictures.And that's probably why I got cut out of the Dayton peeps' picture. At least the little bit of me that made its way into the picture gives an accurate representation of the only two things I know how to do: drink and rock.

Man, I can't believe I wrote all that in seven minutes. I guess it's true what they say, that when you're crunched for time, you make more efficient use of the time you have.