OC Recap

The past two episodes of The OC have been riveting, to say the least. Well, actually, I can't speak to the rivetation of last week's episode because I didn't see it, but from what I can piece together, it was unbelievable. This week's episode was also earth shattering.

Here's what we found out:

1. Volchok's first name is Kevin. I was expecting something more along the lines of Igor, Ivan, or Valery.
2. After Ryan finds out that Kevin stole some post-prom money from Taylor, Ryan goes to Volchok's underground lair and finally beats Volchok within an inch of his life. We're talking your old-fashioned, bleeding-from-the-ears-mouth-nose-and-eyes, Ryan Atwood ass kicking. Rather than finishing Kevin off, Ryan takes him to the hospital, where the theory is that the workers there will try to mend his severely disfigured face and skull to a point where he can at least sit hunched over on a street corner with a sign propped up against him that says "I used to look like a total badass with tattoos and everything. Then I met Ryan Atwood. If I could talk, I would ask you for money. But because of Ryan Atwood's gilded fists, my vocal chords will never work again. Every day I pray for death. Thank you for your kindness and generosity." Personally, I think Ryan should've finished him off. It's not like anyone would have found or missed Volchok, since his family is 8,000 miles away in Belarus (and dead). Plus, his dungeon is airtight and several hundred feet below Earth's crust, so it's not like the smell would escape.
3. We have yet more proof that the writers of The OC read (and love) GMYH. What is this proof you ask? Well, we have a new word for the AbbreviNation dictionary, describing groupies for upscale boarding school lacrosse team members: Lacrosstitutes. Bravo.
4. Marissa poses as a lacrosstitute (dressing in a fantastic Catholic school girl outfit) to get something back from some lacrosse guy for Kaitlin. Basically, the whole scenario was written into the show so that Josh Schwartz and McG could get Mischa Barton into a slutty Catholic school girl outfit. Touche.
5. Seth apparently got into RISD, and I guess Summer wrote some note about all of Seth's lies, which she for some reason put on Sandy's desk. Of course he eventually finds it and it helps him realize that he has become a monster.
6. Sandy turns down the Riviera Magazine Man of the Year award because he realizes that he has become a monster. He's no longer Sandy Cohen, but more akin to the late Caleb Nichol. And that, my friends, is a monster. Anyway, he is also selling Dr. Griffin up the river by cooperating with the DA, thus effectively ending the future of the hospital that the Newport Group was going to build. But at least he's not a monster.
7. Seth finds Kirsten passed out after a standard drinking-vodka-straight-out-of-a-coffee-mug bender. Then he gets pissed at Sandy, mentioning something along the lines of Sandy being a monster. Then Sandy sends Seth to the Newport Group office at night to get some sort of large drawing. On his way out of the office, Seth decides to smoke a doob, as is the fashion in Newport. Then he forgets about the doob, which falls into a trash can, eventually igniting the Newport Group on fire, which I assume is bad. Somehow the cops knew that Seth did it, and they show up at the Riviera Magazine gala and arrest Seth. I'm worried.

We now have two weeks to ponder what will happen in the season finale. According to the preview scenes, someone may die. The rumors around Hollywood are that it will be Marissa Cooper. Here are the unresolved questions that better be answered, at least partially, in the final episode:

1. How will Marissa die? My hope is that it involves a slutty Catholic school girl outfit, a hell of a lot of booze, a bunch of other hot chicks, and my video camera. What? Either that, or she accidentally eats not one but two baby carrots and hemorrhages instantly.
2. Will Teresa finally tell Ryan that her kid is his? We all know it's coming.
3. Will Seth get the shit raped out of him in jail? New fish never tasted so sweet.
4. Now that Sandy is back to his old self, will his laughable public defender salary force the Cohens out of Newport? Or will he get some sweet insurance money from the Newport Group's destruction by fire? My guess is no and no.
5. Now that we know how the gang is going to stay in The OC (Marissa will be in the cemetery, Seth will be in jail, Ryan will be supporting his son by working on the open sea, and Summer will be so fucked up by all of it that she will be turning girl-on-girl tricks under the docks for meth money, or so I assume), will it ever be the same again?
6. Is Kaitlin coming back for good? I hope not because I can't deal with someone who says "obvi" in everyday conversation and isn't instantly smited by Zeus.
7. Is there anyway that Volchok, in a hilarious turn of events, gets into Brown? By "Brown," of course, I mean "jail for stealing a Mercedes out of a Newport garage."

Unfortunately, we will have to wait an extra week to find out the answers. Hold tight, folks.