Conehead

Well, I picked Harley up from the vet. The Fortnight of Andrew just got a little bit more strenuous. The removal of a right ovary and a hyperplastic uterine pedicle has left Harley lethargic and confused. It's not that different than before except for a few things:

1. Harley is wearing a cone and will be doing so for the next 10-14 days. This ensures that she will be smacking her head into various impediments, such as the coffee table, the couch, doorways, her food dish, and my foot.
2. Harley has a sweet scar.
3. I must monitor the incision site for signs of swelling, discharge, redness, infection, ovaries, hyperplastic uterine pedicles, or Karen Carpenter (too soon?).
4. Harley must be kept quiet for the next 2 weeks, which means that I have to devise a way to prevent squirrels from traversing up the trees outside my apartment and a way to prevent my neighbors from entering and exiting their apartments.
5. Harley's oversized nipples will soon return to normal size.
6. For the next two weeks, Harley is not allowed to run. This presents an issue because Harley tries to incorporate running into all aspects of her life, including sleeping.
7. For the next two weeks, Harley is not allowed to jump, including onto and off of the couch. This presents an issue because 94% of Harley's life is spent on the couch or on a certain chair upstairs. Which brings me to my next point . . .
8. For the next two weeks, Harley is not allowed to go up or down stairs. What's really awesome about this is that we live on the third floor, and our apartment is two levels, with our bedroom upstairs, which is where Harley sleeps (or should I say, used to sleep). As you may have surmised, Harley's inability to go up or down stairs means that I get to carry her cone-headed ass up and down the stairs every time she needs to urinate or defecate. And while outside, I have to prevent squirrels, rabbits, or birds from appearing, people from walking by her, all while monitoring her scar for abnormalities.

Since Harley has been back in the old pad, she has been lifted onto and off of the couch twice, she has smacked her head into the table leg, and has slept pathetically while I figured out a way to make lysergic acid diethylamide out of common household goods. This is pretty much how I envision the remainder of The Fortnight of Andrew, although I'm hoping the good folks at Fox, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, Comedy Central, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, Comcast Sportsnet, The History Channel, E!, USA, HBO, HBO West, FX, PBS, TNT, Bravo, TCM, AMC, MTV, MTV2, Fuse, BBC America, Animal Planet, VH1, VH1 Classic, Nickelodeon, TLC, Discovery Channel, Sci-Fi Network, A&E, Game Show Network, BET, BET Jazz, CNN, C-Span, C-Span2, BookTV, The Cartoon Network, Lifetime, Oxygen, LMN, We, QVC, and HSN will air even more ads for Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, which is bound to be nearly as funny as Krippendorf's Tribe.


Currently I'm watching 8 Mile while challenging myself to a mom's spaghetti eating contest.