"What a Glorious Feeling, I'm Happy Again"

I like you guys. That's why I don't hesitate to share my pain -- or in this case, joy -- with you.

As you may have read in yesterday's hilarious post entitled "Karma," I have obtained new employment. My current firm seemed to take my announcement with indifference. Or so I thought.

This afternoon at 3:41pm, the two named partners -- smug and sullen -- walked into my office and shut the door. At first I thought it was going to be some sort of ritualistic gang probing, which I wouldn't have been cool with because I was wearing a suit. Then I thought that maybe they were going to Dutch oven me with their breath, filling the office with a combination of the worst smells ever emitted from a human mouth, which would have driven me to suicide -- or at least to open the door. Then maybe I thought they were going to ask me about why I wanted to leave, which might have made things awkward because the two main reasons were sitting right in front of me. No no. Here's what they said (or somthing like it): "The partners had a meeting and we think today should be your last day."

Guys, I could barely contain myself. I spent the next hour laughing my ass off, gathering my things, deleting dog-on-chick-on-horse porn from the computer, taking down the nothing I had hung on my wall, and belting out "Singing In the Rain" at the top of my lungs, leaving behind only an unopened can of Diet Mountain Dew, an unopened cup of blueberry yogurt, and an uneaten D'Anjou pear. Die slow motherfuckers.

So now I have almost three weeks off. I don't have to go through the motions for another two weeks. I don't have to hold my breath whenever I'm spoken to. Best of all, I don't ever have to walk into that place again. So when I'm drunk next Tuesday morning, you will hear my laughter ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city. "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"