Midwestern Eavesdropping - 11/9/06

Sorry it's so late in the day. I was busy earlier getting sworn into the Illinois bar and shit. Here you go:

Skater dude with half-pink hair to another skater: "So anyway, like I was saying, I took a fucking beer bottle and broke it over his nut sack."
--Bloomington, IN, Kirkwood & Grant
Eavesdropper: GMYH

On a sidewalk in the rain at midnight on a Thursday:
Fat woman: "Oh my God. You're scared. "
Stocky bald man: "What…huh?!"
Fat woman: "You're scared that I actually care about you."
Stocky bald man: "I'm married."
Fat woman: "Wow, you are really scared that somebody actually cares about you."
Stocky bald man: "Hey, we just met yesterday, and you're not listening. I'm not scared. I'm married. "
Fat woman: "God, you are so full of shit. And so terrified."
Stocky bald man: "Are you sure you're not thinking of somebody else."
Fat woman: "It's sad to see a grown man this scared of affection."
--Chicago, North & Hudson
Eavesdropper: RobD

Guy drinking martini: "Martini's are like breasts....1 isn't enough, 2 is perfect, and 3 are way too many."
--LaGrange, IL, martini party
Eavesdroppers: RDC, DOV

10 year old boy (trying to impress a fellow classmate): "Yeah man, I got me some dice."
9 year old girl (obviously not interested): "Oh."
Boy: "I played dice with my uncle last night. Yeah, I won some money."
Girl: "Oh."
Boy: "Yeah, I play dice to get money for the ice cream truck."
Girl (in a voice that really shows how unimpressed she is): "My parents buy me ice cream."
--Ft. Wayne, IN, 4th grade classroom
Eavedropper: Baboo

Drunk twentysomething female to friend: "I like her. I do. She's nice. (slight pause) But she's just so horrible."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirty-something woman to friends while listening to a band cover a Steve Miller Band song: "Dude, Steve Miller is the soundtrack of my life."
--Chicago, Gunther Murphy's, Ashland & Belmont
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

At a bachelorette party with a Halloween theme:
Girl dressed as a plug: "Yeah, I was totally bad in high school."
Girl dressed as a prisoner: "Yeah, but just in a rebellious kind of way."
Girl dressed as a Slim Jim: "I did all my drugs stuff while dating Mike."
Girl dressed as a plug: "Whatever, I did mine in high school and calmed down in college. But weed doesn't really count, you know? It's herbal, just like tea."
Girl dressed as a prisoner: "It's an herb, not herbal! I'm putting this on my friend's website! Ha!"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: ½ pint

In line at IU Dance Marathon, 2:45am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning:
Drunk sorority girl: "Oh my god, did you guys hear about the Pi Phi that shit her pants and kept dancing?!"
--Bloomington, IN, IU Dance Marathon, HPER Building
Eavesdropper: RobD

During a deposition:
Q: "And if you could just give verbal responses to everything, because it's hard for her to take down a nod or shake of the head. Okay?"
A: (Witness nods head.)
--Dayton, OH
Eavesdropper: Holt

Twentysomething female discussing former Cook County Board President John Stroger: "He looks like a noble turtle. I like him. If Disney had a movie about turtles, he would be the chief."
--Chicago, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Crowded L train during rush hour. A twentysomething guy and girl are having a coversation. The guy has been talking some useless babble about abstract art for a good five minutes:
Girl: "Can't we just talk about football?"
Guy: "You want to talk about the cutural impact of that barbaric game?"
Girl: "No. I am just tired of hearing about this and would rather talk about football."
Guy: "Oh."
--Chicago, Red Line train
Eavesdropper: Klank

Late 20s female to another similar female: "He's just mad that he never gets his asshole licked."
--Chicago, Chi-Town Tap, Lincoln & Kenmore
Eavesdropper: Trashton

Fortysomething Indiana football fan: "What are we up, 23?"
Nearly 29-year-old Indiana football fan: "Yeah, 30-7."
Fortysomething (dead serious): "So 3 touchdowns and a field goal and they take the lead. (pause) Shit."
--Bloomington, IN, Memorial Stadium west side concourse
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Hungover student: "Dude, what does the word 'extant' mean?"
Hit student: "It's like, southern for 'extent' or something."
Sober student: "It means that it makes the other thing, like, whatever."
Hungover student: "Oh. Yeah, okay."
--Bloomington, IN, Fetid apartment, 3rd and Dunn
Eavesdropper: RobD

Thirtysomething man: "So you drink Pabst?"
Old man: "Oh yeah, Pabst is good beer. Oldstyle's another one I drink a lot. That's good beer."
Thirtysomething: "I used to drink a lot of PBR in college, along with Milwaukee's Best and Old Milwaukee."
Old man: "Milwaukee's Best and Old Milwaukee -- those are good beers."
Thirtysomething: "I used to drink Hamm's now and then, too."
Old man (taken aback): "Hamm's? What? That's horrible beer."
--Chicago, Shenanigans, Division St.
Eavesdropper: Uter

Twentysomething female, while stroking her dog's ears: "After [our dog] passes -- which will be never -- I want to get her stuffed and I want to get her ears made into a coin purse."
--Chicago, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Teacher: "Contractions combine two words with an apostrophe. Did plus not forms didn't. We plus would forms we'd."
Student 1: "Man, weed, some people call that the green stuff."
Student 2: "Yeah, you can smoke it in a pipe."
Student 1: "My neighbor be coming around asking for the green stuff."
Student 2: "You can roll it up like a cigarette."
--Ft. Wayne, IN, 4th grade classroom
Eavesdropper: Baboo

While 60 Minutes plays across a TV screen, totally serious townie: "How long is this show?"
--Bloomington, IN, Smith & Dunn
Eavesdropper: RobD

Sixtysomething lawyer to another lawyer: "I had jurors sitting there looking at me and nodding 'yes yes yes,' and what do they come back with? Twelve dollars and seventy cents."
--Chicago, LaSalle & Madison
Eavesdropper: GMYH

This one technically isn't eavesdropping, but it's worthy of inclusion:
"I am checking the homework box to see who hasn’t turned in their homework. Paige comes up to me and tells me that her homework is finished but is in her locker. I tell her to go get it and turn it in. She goes to her locker, so I assume she has turned it in. Later as I am checking the homework box again, I notice that she hasn’t turned her homework in yet. I again send her to her locker to get her homework. This time she comes up to me and tells me her homework has brown stuff on it. I assume that it is a coffee spill, Chinese food or something along those lines. Paige then again goes to her locker but returns with no homework. I am starting to wonder why she won’t bring it into our classroom. She comes to our doorway and motions for me to come out to the hallway. I go out to the hall and she hands me her paper which indeed was covered with brown stuff. Once the paper is in my hands, I take a little whiff of it because I really can’t believe what she has just handed me — a poop covered paper. I of course start gagging and she explains to me that her dog took a GIANT dump inside her book bag and she didn’t realize it until she was on the bus and smelled something rank. I really couldn’t believe that she handed me a paper that was covered with feces. I did the only normal thing; I handed it back to her and told her to put it back in her book bag."
--Ft. Wayne, IN, elementary school (public, obviously)
Eavesdropper: Baboo

Technically this isn't an eavesdropping either, but it's pretty funny.
Text message to GMYH on a random weekday: "I'm sitting on the toilet @ work & the guy in the next stall answers his phone . . . formally . . . has a business conversation."
--Cincinnati, Procter & Gamble
Eavesdropper: Tron

Thanks to everyone who contributed. If you hear anything hilarious, make sure to email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Also, to reiterate, MWE applies not only to those inane things overheard within the confines of the glorious Midwest, but also to anything overheard by current or former Midwesterners in other parts of the country and world. Don't hold back just because of geography.

Also, I am going out of town tomorrow, so Hair Band Friday will not be appearing on this blog. I love you all. Go Hoosiers.