Friday, April 25, 2008

Land Ho!

Well, it's official. The wife and I now own a house, or at least about 20% of one-sixth of a building in which people reside. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to finally be allowed to vote. 54 40 or fight! In addition to our suffrage, this purchase will certainly change some other things:
  • Now, when someone asks what I do, I can say, "I don't like to brag, but I own some land in Illinois" or "Well, Jessica Alba, I'm a mortgagor. And a lover."
  • I now have a crawlspace in which to hide, uh, things. (By ", uh, things" I mean "goat fetuses and jars of jam and whores")
  • My dream of an IU/Beatles/Bears/Air Bud/George McGovern/abortion themed entryway is finally a possibility.
  • In one fell swoop, I have risen from fourth place to first in the most recent AP Number of Bathrooms in Dwellings Owned by My Immediate Family Poll, and I plan to stay there, putting bathrooms in every room in my house and removing showers in my dad's house to ensure my reign at the top continues indefinitely.
  • The band can finally get back together and record some new songs. "Abortion Monday" and "Burning Urination" have run their course, at least stateside.
  • The other band can finally get back together and record some new songs. "Your Daughter Got Abducted" and "Ding Dong Bitch" have run their course, at least continentally.
  • Two words: sex swing.
  • Two more words: key parties
  • I can finally quote 2 Live Crew's "Get the Fuck Out of My House" without feeling like a phony.
  • Punching holes in the ceiling and urinating on the carpet while binging on speedballs will not cost me any security deposit money.
  • Multiple bedrooms = multiple wives.
  • We finally have room for all those dildos! (By "dildos" I mean "pots and pans and whores")
  • When someone asks "what were you up to yesterday?", I can truthfully say, "I was masturbating to What's Happening reruns, at my home."
  • A second and third bedroom will allow for a real-life version of "You, Me, and Dupree," although this time it would actually be humorous.
  • Jester and I shall use our newfound power as a means to fight for the proletariat, so that we can harness his trust and thereafter exploit him for our personal gain.


Beth said...

All my friends seem to be buying homes these days. Congrats!

Mike said...

I hope you guys got a parking space in that neighborhood! Good luck finding a spot on the street.

The Weez said...

Don't forget "Tippecanoe and Tyler too"! Congrats.

Anonymous said...

Call me when the orgy happens. I want to take pictures and possibly participate in some skatalogical activities. In particular, do you have a coffee table made of clear glass? I want to dump on it then smear it all over my body and have everyone else at the orgy lap it up. Thanks. -Steve

GMYH said...

Key parties, not orgies, Steve. Key parties are fun. Orgies are, well, unclean and often quite awkward. We intend to maintain some air of decorum here at the new place. Dumping will hopefully be limited to the bathrooms.

Anonymous said...

What about watersports? -Steve

GMYH said...

That is a very fair question, and one that I haven't addressed. Watersports will be limited to hallways, stairs, and closets. Mostly it will be jousting with pugil sticks while riding boogie boards pulled by sailfish. The twist is that the first one to die wins. A similar game is very popular in North Korea.