- Now, when someone asks what I do, I can say, "I don't like to brag, but I own some land in Illinois" or "Well, Jessica Alba, I'm a mortgagor. And a lover."
- I now have a crawlspace in which to hide, uh, things. (By ", uh, things" I mean "goat fetuses and jars of jam and whores")
- My dream of an IU/Beatles/Bears/Air Bud/George McGovern/abortion themed entryway is finally a possibility.
- In one fell swoop, I have risen from fourth place to first in the most recent AP Number of Bathrooms in Dwellings Owned by My Immediate Family Poll, and I plan to stay there, putting bathrooms in every room in my house and removing showers in my dad's house to ensure my reign at the top continues indefinitely.
- The band can finally get back together and record some new songs. "Abortion Monday" and "Burning Urination" have run their course, at least stateside.
- The other band can finally get back together and record some new songs. "Your Daughter Got Abducted" and "Ding Dong Bitch" have run their course, at least continentally.
- Two words: sex swing.
- Two more words: key parties
- I can finally quote 2 Live Crew's "Get the Fuck Out of My House" without feeling like a phony.
- Punching holes in the ceiling and urinating on the carpet while binging on speedballs will not cost me any security deposit money.
- Multiple bedrooms = multiple wives.
- We finally have room for all those dildos! (By "dildos" I mean "pots and pans and whores")
- When someone asks "what were you up to yesterday?", I can truthfully say, "I was masturbating to What's Happening reruns, at my home."
- A second and third bedroom will allow for a real-life version of "You, Me, and Dupree," although this time it would actually be humorous.
- Jester and I shall use our newfound power as a means to fight for the proletariat, so that we can harness his trust and thereafter exploit him for our personal gain.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Well, it's official. The wife and I now own a house, or at least about 20% of one-sixth of a building in which people reside. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to finally be allowed to vote. 54 40 or fight! In addition to our suffrage, this purchase will certainly change some other things: