Pet Peeves

Taking a cue from Kissing Suzy Kolber, who took a cue from McSweeney's, who took a cue from life, here is a detailed list of my biggest pet peeves. Feel free to comment ad nauseum, agreeing, disagreeing, or adding your own.

1. When a baby boomer trips going down the stairs at the Diversey L stop, such that he blocks the left side of the stairs while he lies on the landing with his head resting in a pool of his own blood. Some dickhead did this to me as recently as today. What an ass!
2. When people back into parking spots. What the fuck is wrong with you people? You are pissing everyone off behind you who has to wait while it takes you 2 minutes to do something that could be done in 2 seconds. There is absolutely nothing to explain why this is reasonable or necessary, except that you're an idiot, because no matter what, you're going to have to go forward once and reverse the other time. I hate you. Stop it.
3. When people older than me (or anyone, for that matter) call me "sir." Do I look like a "sir"? Absolutely not. I'm wearing a t-shirt. I look like an asshole. You wouldn't call an asshole "sir," would you?
4. People who talk at urinals. If I wanted to talk to you right now, I wouldn't be pissing.
5. Talking on cell phone on crowded and/or silent train. Boy do people love the sound of their own voice against an otherwise quiet public captive audience. What's even worse is when someone gets a call and says "No, I'm not busy. I'm just on the train," recognizing his or her whereabouts, but failing to conform his or her actions to the environment. And why is it that some women are incapable of riding mass transit without calling at least three people to discuss wedding planning? That grates on my soul.
6. When people try to rationalize their kid's or pet's behavior with "oh, that's just how he is" or something similar, as if unruly behavior is cute or acceptable. I could care less if your little Madison "always knocks strangers' drinks out of their hands because she's our little ninja." It's not cute. It's not funny. You should smack her. And you know what, when your dog is mauling my dog, I'm not satisfied with the excuse, "Oh, sorry about that. Bruno just gets a little aggressive around other dogs." No shit? Then he belongs in the cadaver lab at a vet school, not at the dog park.
7. "Excuse me, bro." I am not your bro, and even if I was your bro, I would smack you in the mouth for calling me "bro." You have been warned, Reed.
8. Watching a movie with someone who feels the need to say every line. Did you know that, in Tommy Boy, when Richard knocks on Tommy's hotel door that one time, he says, "Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?" Yes, of course you do. And so does everyone. Because you just said the line right before Richard said it. You're ruining things.
9. Driving with someone who sings along to whatever music might be playing, when no one else is singing. This applies whether or not the person knows the lyrics, although it's much more annoying when he or she doesn't know the lyrics or has a vague notion of words that might rhyme with other words in the song. And I actually find it more maddening when the person sings in a barely audible whisper. In these situations, it is always appropriate to ask the person singing, "Who sings this song?" When he or she replies, "The Bee Gees," you must reply, "Let's keep it that way." Zing!
10. When parents don't discipline their unruly kids. Good God, if I was four and started acting up at a restaurant, my dad would have explained in so many words (or without saying anything at all) that my continued antics would result in the reintroduction of his hand or belt to my ass. His threats were not idle. But apparently if I was a child now, I would get a Heath bar and a PSP every time I threw a salt shaker at a bus boy.
11. Bad tippers. I've never worked in anything that can be considered a service industry, but I get pissed off when someone I'm with tips poorly or I hear of someone who tipped poorly. I recently heard a story from a waitress about a yuppie family who left $57 on a $56.50 bill. This isn't Russia, is it?
12. When a superior asks for an assignment by a certain date, and you give it to him or her by that date, but then he or she fails to review said assignment for another week, then gives it back to you with less than 24 hours before it has to be to the client or filed with the court, thus causing you to work late. You see, boss, this is the exact reason I gave it to you a week ago. Say hi to your family for me. I'll be here at the office.
13. Sunglasses in bars. Hey Corey Hart, take those sunglasses of your head. It's 11:30 p.m. You may not be an asshole, but you sure as hell look like one.
14. When bars say they're open until 2, but they have last call at 1:30 and kick you out at 1:40. I'm finishing my beer. I don't care if it's "time to go" or you're trying to "get out of here." It's 1:45, and the sign on the door says I have another 15 minutes to drink the beer for which I just gave you $4. Do you not feel? Do you not bleed?
15. Bathroom attendants. I am fully capable of grabbing my own paper towel, thank you. I am not going to give you a dollar, so you can put the Coolwater down.
16. When people pronounce mature "ma-toor." I almost punched myself just for making myself think of that.
17. People who are clicking away on their Blackberries while taking a dump. That is just foul.
18. When people end their sentences with "so." "I went to Notre Dame, so . . ." Yes? So what? So you're an asshole? So you've never felt the touch of an attractive woman? So you cry a lot? What?! Finish your fucking sentence!
19. One-uppers. You know who I'm talking about. Those people who can never let anyone else outdo them. If you call yourself a Big Lebowski fan, then "oh yeah, I've seen that movie like 612 times." If you've been to 15 Bears games in your life, then "oh yeah, well I've been to like thirty or forty, mostly front row or in the owner's box." If your mom just died from cancer, then "oh yeah, I know what that's like. My entire family died from stomach cancer -- that's pretty much the most painful kind -- all on the same day -- my wedding day -- after all suffering for like five years, so I had to postpone my wedding to go to twelve funerals in twelve different states, all on the same day. It wouldn't have been such a big deal, but, you know, I didn't have any groomsmen or flower girls -- oh yeah, I forgot to mention, one of the deceased was my six-year-old niece -- and then, when the wedding day actually came, my fiancé was maimed into an unwakable coma on the way to the church by a rabid dog named Bruno. And she doesn't have a living will, so she will remain on life support in a vegetative state for up to 20 years while I fight with her family about whether she would have wanted to be taken off life support. I will never love again, and, even if I find someone else, I will always be known as the guy with the vegetable fiancé. No woman will want to deal with that. So yeah, cancer can be a tough pill to swallow. Speaking of which, I can swallow fourteen pills at a time. I can also grab a quarter off the top of a backboard without getting a running start."
20. That look on Tyler Hansbrough's face. Just take a dump already!
21. When people in the left lane go less than 5 mph over the speed limit. I'm not flashing my brights as part of some sort of gang initiation. Get out of my way, however, or else you may be murdered.
22. When someone (especially a boss) says "I need [insert meaningless assignment] done by [insert meaningless deadline]." Fuck you. You don't need anything, except maybe to go back to finishing school. Ask nicely, motherfucker. It goes a long way.
23. When people mispronounce certain words. I've written about this before, and it still creases me to hear "supposably" or "acrossed" (also potentially misspelled and misspoken as "acrosst"). These are not words, nor have they ever been. Regional dialectical differences I can deal with. The brutal and repeated rape of the English language, I cannot.
24. When someone takes the elevator to the second floor, or worse, DOWN from the second floor. It can't possibly be that bad to walk up or down one flight of stairs, you rat-fucking-lazy-bastard. Your sloth angers me. And you wonder why America is the fattest nation on Earth.
25. Abuse of vanity license plates. At what point do you think to yourself, "I know the perfect way to let the world know that the car they are driving behind is a BMW and that I am in possession of that very same BMW: 'MY BMW'"? Certain things should never appear on your license plate: your name, your initials, the make or model of car you drive, or what kind of degree you have. Those who have stuff like "JIMS TOY," "4RNR," "IM A JD," "SAM IS 16," "GREG RN," "IM DRVNG," or "THIS IS A CAR," deserve to be shot in the brain with an elephant musket. If you need a license plate to tell the world what kind of car you're driving, what your name is, or the degree you hold, then you need to get over whatever inferiority complex you have, preferably by driving your car into the Chicago River or a barn engulfed in flames.