Glove Up!

When you hear that someone is a deputy coroner, you almost always automatically assume that he or she is a self-entitled hellion. It's part of the job. Brash, cocky, and piss drunk is just what we've come to expect and accept from deputy coroners. They march to their own drummer (most likely Tommy Lee), and they sure as shit don't take no guff from some penny-ante cop who attempts to arrest them after they drive their minivan over a curb into the middle of someone's lawn and plow down a stop sign, losing a tire and a rearview mirror in the process and coming out of the vehicle reeking of booze.

Will County, Illinois deputy coroner Eryn Gray – apparently a woman of Welsh descent – was rightfully angry when this exact situation happened to her earlier this month. When officers attempted to question her, she responded appropriately by asking them "Do you know who I am?" Amazingly, they did not, so she further explained, "I'm a deputy coroner." Right then, the cops should have just backed away, but they didn't. In a police report, one officer said, "I advised E. Gray that I had reason to believe she had been drinking. E. Gray advised '(expletive) you.'" Classic deputy coroner response. And she's right. After the officer found out she was a deputy coroner, he should have stopped questioning her.

Gray then yelled, "If this was my scene, you know what I would do, I would glove up!" BOOM! When a deputy coroner says "glove up," that means shit's about to hit the fan – often literally. In case you don't know, "glove up" in deputy coroner speak means to, on a dare, take six shots of Beam, put on surgical gloves, put your forehead on a baseball bat and spin around ten times, and then try to penetrate at least one orifice of a corpse with at least two fingers, without puking. That's always the kicker. Veteran deputy coroners can do it in like twenty-five seconds. I heard Gray once did it in thirteen.

But the threat of digital penetration didn't faze these cops. If you can't respect how they treated a deputy coroner, at least you can respect their moxie. Gray certainly didn't back down. She told one officer he didn't know who he was "(expletive) with," and that the county coroner would call the next day "and have your job." Another classic deputy coroner response: telling a cop that the county coroner would, for some reason, call the chief of police and inquire about taking over that cop's beat. In the public servant hierarchy, everyone knows a deputy coroner has far more power and clout than a police officer. For Christ's sake, these people have associates degrees. And brass balls.

Apparently, Gray also kept yelling "I'm 10-79," which the article says is police code for "call the coroner." In reality, "I'm 10-79" is deputy coroner code for "I'm about to go apeshit on you. If you think gloving up is raw, get ready for the Anal Apocalypse." Anal Apocalypse, of course, being a metal band that is very popular with deputy coroners. Usually, when someone hears "I'm 10-79" and Anal Apocalypse blaring from the deputy coroner's minivan, that person is about to meet his or her maker and then, ironically, get a visit from the deputy coroner. (By the way, I do NOT recommend Googling "anal apocalypse" at work, unless you're a deputy coroner.)

The article says she is 34. Damn, if that's what 34 looks like, I'd hate to see 44. Then again, deputy coroners follow the following motto: "Live fast, die young, leave a trail of good-looking corpses, glove up, I'm 10-79." It still amazes me that these cops didn't recognize her, or that they weren't fired the next day, or that they haven't mysteriously vanished, leaving only a faint trail of death metal.

And just so we're clear, please don't mistake Will County deputy coroner Eryn Gray with Erin Gray. Erin Gray is a hot actress who played vixen Kate Summers Stratton, Mr. Stratton's love interest on Silver Spoons. Eryn Gray is – well, you know who the (expletive) Eryn Gray is. And if you don't, you will one day. Just pray to whatever sky deity it is that you worship that you're already dead when that day comes.

In all seriousness, is there anything better than responding "no" when someone asks "do you know who I am"? Actually, there is. Back when notorious d-bag Luke "Rim" Recker was at IU, he went into a crowded Applebee's on a weekend night. The hostess told him it would be a 45-minute wait. He responded with, "Do you know who I am?" She responded with something along the lines of "Yes, you're Luke Recker. It's a 45-minute wait." Owned. She also happened to be a writer for the school newspaper, so Recker's douchebaggery found its way to the press the next week. Then he transferred and was in a car accident that left his girlfriend paralyzed and one man dead. I don't even have to tell you what public servant showed up at the scene.