Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Main Ingredient Everybody Plays The Fool

Thanks to DBH for the link. This is for anyone thinking about wearing white pants before Monday.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The 25-Year Itch

The Stanley Cup teams are now set. Saturday night, the Blackhawks and Flyers will face off in Game 1 at the United Center. Both teams have Stanley Cup droughts of 35 years or more, with the Flyers last winning in 1975 and the Hawks last winning in 1961.

Because my mind is concerned with this type of thing, I wondered if there had been any other time(s) when two teams have met for a Cup with such long droughts. As it turns out, this is the first time in NHL history that two teams have met in the Stanley Cup finals where both teams have gone 25 years or more since winning a Cup.

Since I'm insane, I decided to take a look to see if it has happened in the other three major sports, and I was surprised to learn that it has happened four times before, although it's never happened in the NBA.

I did not include match-ups that included teams that had never previously won a championship. Thus, for instance, the 2005 World Series between the White Sox (who were riding an 88-year drought) and the Astros (who have never won a World Series) is not included in this analysis. Also, to be comprehensive, I included the ABA when analyzing the NBA, and the AFL when analyzing the NFL. And, of course, I count franchises that have changed cities and/or mascots as one team (i.e., the Tennessee Titans are the Houston Oilers).

With that, here are the other instances in the four major professional sports leagues where two teams meeting in a final both teams had gone 25 years or more since winning a title:

2000 Super Bowl between the St. Louis Rams and Tennessee Titans. The LA Rams were NFL champions in 1951 and the Houston Oilers were AFL champions in 1961.

1995 World Series between the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. The Milwaukee Braves won the World Series in 1957, and the Indians won the World Series in 1948.

1972 World Series between the Oakland Athletics and the Cincinnati Reds. The Philadelphia Athletics won the World Series in 1930, and the Reds won the World Series in 1940.

1948 World Series between the Cleveland Indians and the Boston Braves. The Indians won the World Series in 1920, and the Braves won the World Series in 1914.

So there you go. I hope you learned something trivial.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tuesday Top Ten: More Questions I Struggle With on a Daily Basis

Six months ago, I had two Tuesday Top Tens about questions I struggle with on a daily basis. My mind is contantly thinking about random nonsense. As you can see, I have real issues with the concepts of space, infinity, and deities.

10. When will I be too old to go to rock concerts or play flag football?
I hope the answer is never. You never really see old people at concerts. Then again, rock and roll isn't all that old, so now that our parents' generation is getting up there, maybe it will be more and more normal to see geezers throwing up the devil horns at an AC/DC show. Also, I love sprinting.

9. If someone tried to mug me, what would I do?
The way I figure it, I have four options: (1) give him (I'm assuming it's a dude) my wallet and see him on his way; (2) run away (as I am deceptively fleet of foot); (3) fight him, kick him in the dick, smack him in the forehead and tell him he "should have had a V8," and/or chase after him; or (4) try to outsmart him by pretending I don't understand him, using a hilarious foreign accent, looking him in the eyes and letting out a primal banshee-like scream and then dancing psychotically, or saying really confusing things like "Is it four past eleven already, Godfrey? To the hydrofoil!", "Look at you looking at me looking at you. I want to talk to you.", "Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular. Wildcat. Wildcat.", or "Helga the horse is no more than a morsel, nothing but vessel for Dionysus. Or was it Isis? The river knows." I think about this all the time. The possible answers change in my head depending on the size of the mugger, the apparent intoxication of the mugger, my level of intoxication, and whether the mugger is armed (and, if so, the type of arm). Mostly, I think about which option is most likely to get me stabbed.

8. When and how was space created?
Seriously, when and how was space created? And from what was it created? Is it possible to even know that? Things have to be created. This torments me sometimes.

7. When and how was God created?
More importantly, by whom (or what)? If God has allegedly been around forever, how is that even possible? Again, things have to be created. And if God was created by something else, what created that something else and how was it created?

6. Does my dog worship Zeus?
It's the only rational explanation for why she is so terrified of rain and thunder. She believes Zeus is angry. Also, she pukes only on rugs, carpets, or couches – never on the hardwood floor. Because wood is a natural material. And nature is made by Zeus.

5. Will there ever be a point when I give up?

4. Will IU go to a Rose Bowl in my lifetime? Sweet Jesus, Hoosiers, get it together.

3. Should I submit photos of Daughter to a baby modeling agency?
If so, will that doom her to a life of superstardom?

2. Am I going to be tired for the next 30 years of my life?
Seriously, I can't remember a time since I started working that I would consider myself to be "well-rested."

1. Can I run 500 meters in less than 2 minutes?
If so, I would definitely beat a horse running 1 1/8 mile to the finish line at Arlington. Eat it, Brothers Weeser* (minus Greg and Tim, oddly).

Again, if you have answers to any of these questions, please let me know.

On a side note, I do have the answer to this question: What is the best way to get those annoying charitable organization sidewalk stalkers to leave you alone? Tell them you already donate. And if they call you a liar -- which they won't -- you have my permission to go ape shit.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Here Come the Hawks!

Chicago is, for the first time in a long time, going crazy for the Blackhawks. Yesterday's victory over the Sharks put the Hawks in the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in almost 20 years.

As a Chicago sports fan, you're taught to be cautious and frantic when a team does well in the playoffs, much less makes it to the finals. You have to root extra hard because there is the overwhelming feeling that if they don't win it now, they might never win it in your lifetime. And, as any Chicago sports fan knows, that is a completely legitimate concern. The Cubs haven't been to the World Series since 1945 or won it since 1908. When the White Sox won the World Series in 2005, it was their first title since 1917 and first trip to the World Series since 1959. The Bears made it to the Super Bowl after the 2006 season, but haven't won it since January 26, 1986 (which was their first trip to a championship game since winning the 1963 NFL Championship). When the Bulls won their first title in 1991, it was their first trip to the NBA finals in what was then 25 years of existence. Since their last title in 1998, they've made it out of the first round of the playoffs exactly once.

And then there's the Hawks. Good God. If you looked up "hockey futility" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Chief Black Hawk with his hands over his face as Rocket Richard, Mario Lemieux, and Chris Chelios in a Red Wings jersey raise Stanley Cups behind him. There hasn't been much to cheer about in a long time. For those of you not paying attention, the Hawks have not won the Stanley Cup since 1961 – the longest drought in the NHL – and they haven't been to the finals since 1992, when they lost to Lemieux and the Pittsburgh Penguins (and that was their first trip to the finals since 1973, where they lost to the Canadiens in the finals for the second time in three years). The Hawks have the fewest Stanley Cups out of any of the Original Six NHL teams, and each of the other five have won Cups since the Hawks' last Cup (and all but the Rangers have won multiple Cups since then). For most of the last decade, the Hawks were horrible, led by ownership who created (seemingly on purpose) an indifference for professional hockey in Chicago. To make matters worse, the Hawks' longtime archrival, the Red Wings, have been the most successful team in the NHL over the last 15 years.

And then, in late 2007, things started looking up. It's amazing how the death of one man can result in so much joy for a city. When longtime Hawks owner Bill Wirtz died September 26, 2007, fortunes turned for the Hawks. Wirtz was notoriously cheap (earning the nickname "Dollar Bill"), once proclaiming something along the lines that he would rather save money than pay for free agents that might help the Hawks win a Cup. He also blacked out ALL Hawks home games, regardless of whether they sold out. He raised ticket prices in the 2000s despite the fact that the Hawks were terrible. And he traded away or refused to re-sign many of the most beloved Hawks stars of the '90s and '00s. Under Wirtz's reign, ESPN named the Blackhawks the worst franchise in professional sports, and Wirtz was himself named the third greediest owner in sports. Hawks fans booed loudly (and rightfully) during a pregame tribute to Wirtz before the 2007 home opener (less than two weeks after he died).

I always found it odd that an owner of a professional sports team would actively try to alienate his team's potential fan base and would outwardly admit that he would rather save money than win a Stanley Cup. Thankfully for Hawks fans, he died.

His son Rocky took over, and nearly immediately got Hawks home games on TV. He signed key free agents, actively sought to mend the deep wounds with the fan base, and generally acted in the exact opposite manner as his father had.

Before last season, the Hawks had made the playoffs once since 1997, and hadn't made it out of the first round since 1996. You could tell things were changing at the New Years Day 2009 game at Wrigley with the Red Wings. It was the first time in a long time I could remember a buzz about hockey in Chicago, and it was the hottest ticket in town. People were actually tuning in to watch a hockey game instead of bowl games.

I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm a big hockey fan, or that I've followed the Blackhawks religiously (or much at all) over the past decade. I haven't, and I don't make any apologies for once again being excited about hockey. A lot of people in Chicago took Bill Wirtz's offer, and turned their backs on the Hawks. But dammit, the last month has been fun, and the Hawks are bringing Chicagoans back. For a city that has suffered some of the longest championship droughts in professional sports, I'm not sure there would be any victory more redeeming than a Hawks Stanley Cup.

So, pardon us if we go a little nuts over the Hawks this year. We don't know when we'll have the chance again.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Christian Family Man Accidentally Puts Dick in Another Woman on Several Occasions

You may have heard that Congressman Mark Souder – a man whose congressional website touts his strong belief in family and Christian values (one of which, by the way, is "you shall not commit adultery") – resigned after admitting to having an affair with a staffer. Souder, of course, has been married for over 35 years and has three children, presumably by his wife. He also thinks abstinence education works, which is neither here nor there, but may bear some relationship on his ignorance and/or his ability to form rational thoughts. He also apparently doesn't understand what "abstinence" means.

Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting the impending excuse. Which previously undiagnosed addiction will it be? Booze? Sex? Online trivia?

I find it hilarious and terribly pathetic when politicians and/or famous people get caught with their pants down and then conveniently blame it on some addiction. It couldn't possibly be because you felt like having sex with someone hotter and younger than your wife, and you thought you'd never get caught. For once, I want to hear a politician who gets caught cheating say, "Ain't nothin' but the dog in me."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tuesday Top Ten: Bad Tattoos

I didn't have time for a real Tuesday Top Ten today, but you know damn well I hate to leave you fine readers empty-handed for your late Tuesday through late Wednesday. Thus, click on this link for a gallery of bad tattoos from KTLA in Los Angeles, which I assume is the epicenter of bad tattoos. (Thanks to Christoff for the link.)

This features 76 pictures of tattoos. Here are my favorite ten (plus one):
#1-4 An homage to the Raiders and Al Davis featuring face and head tattoos.
#5 Holy shit.
#11 Mr. Cool Ice, which features what appears to be a gay skeleton chest tattoo.
#18 The most terrifying grandma ever.
#24 A tattoo implying that Chewbacca is Irish.
#26 The only way to let very few people know how much you love The Crow.
#31 Weakest face tattoo ever.
#34 Check mate!
#48 Patrick Swayze as a centaur. He's like the wind.
#55 An overhead shot of a six-pack of beer tattooed on abs. Nice.
#72 "Beautiful Tradgedy" under the collarbone. I hope that was meant to be misspelled, although I have no idea why it would be, or why you would get that tattoo in the first place anyway.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Table 52, Heaven, and Hell

So last night, Jester and I went with Tradd and Kara to Table 52, which is a restaurant owned by Art Smith, Oprah's old chef. It must be pretty popular because Tradd made reservations about a month ago, and a Sunday 5 p.m. reservation last night was the first thing available. I would describe the menu as upscale Southern.

I don't go to expensive restaurants all that often, mostly because I usually don't find that the meal I spend $75 on is any better (or proportionally better) than the meal I spend $25-$40 on. I also find maître d's to be creepy.

The service at Table 52 was very good. "Pardon my reach." Indeed, I will. I was pleasantly surprised when our waitress brought us out complimentary deviled eggs. Perhaps Art knew I was coming. Of course, we only received four, so he probably didn't. We were later brought some sort of complimentary biscuit with cheese in it, which was also good. And even later, we were brought some bite sized samples of some sort of cake, but I was out of commission at that point.

Drinks are predictably expensive. They have a couple house cocktails. I went with the Pirate Punch ($15), expecting it to come in a fish bowl or at least a tiki glass. Sadly, it came in a standard cocktail glass. It was pretty good and I definitely felt like I was at Trader Vic's, but I should have just gone with one of their 3 Floyd's selections for $8 each instead.

For an appetizer, Tradd and I both ordered a "jumbo" crab cake ($16). While delicious and potentially the best crab cake I've ever had (were I to keep track of such things), I wouldn't refer to it as "jumbo," nor would I say that it was worth $16. Jester had some sort of coconut and curry soup with mushrooms that didn't appeal to me. Kara had the Southern pickle "salad" ($11), which looked pretty good and came with a small jar of a spread comprised of pulled duck in duck fat.

For my entrée, I went with the jambalaya ($28), which was good, full of seafood, and spicy. The house specialty is fried chicken ($24), which is only made on Sundays and Mondays. Jessie and Tradd both had that, and Kara went with the fish special, which was grouper with pretzel spaetzle. I probably should have going with one of those as well. The jambalaya ran through me like Jim Brown in his prime. I barely made it home in time. And to top it off, my stomach was in knots well into this morning.

For dessert, Jester and I split the lemon pound cake ($9), which was fantastic, even though I was very full and could feel a tsunami brewing in my stomach. Kara also went with the lemon cake. Tradd went with the hummingbird cake ($12), which is a banana and pineapple cake with cream cheese frosting. One piece looks to be almost a fourth of a cake. It was huge, and very good.

All in all, Table 52 was good, but it wasn't as good as I was expecting. Maybe my experience was tainted by the gastrointestinal issues, but when I spend $90+ on a meal, I expect to walk out of the restaurant feeling wowed, not praying that I don't shit on the L. The fried chicken was excellent, though. I just had some of Jester's leftovers.

To make matters worse, when I returned home, I learned that metal legend Ronnie James Dio died at the age of 67 from stomach cancer. Rock music owes an indelible debt to Dio because he was the man who first brought devil horns to music. The best part is that it was borrowed from his Italian grandmother, who used it to ward off the malocchio (or the "evil eye"). Here's a clip of Dio explaining:

In addition, from everything I've heard or seen about him, he was one of the nicest guys in rock and roll. He will definitely be missed.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 5/13/10

I've been stockpiling.

Prominent Hollywood composer reminiscing about the 80s: "You know, Len Bias really ruined it for the rest of us."
--Los Angeles
Eavesdropper: Weez

Thirtysomething female: "In Vegas, there was a homeless man with a dachshund. I wanted to kill him and take his dachshund."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething male returns to table during day-drinking viewing of Little 500: "Did I just leave the bar to shit? At Potbelly's? Yes!"
--Chicago, Kirkwood Bar, Sheffield & Oakdale
Eavesdropper: Goni

Twentysomething female: "I'm just looking for a guy who's into rope bondage."
--Durham, NC, West End Wine Bar
Eavesdropper: Flounder

Indianapolis Colts fan: "What quarter is the Wings game in?"
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

T-shirt worn by giant fat man: "I Beat Anorexia."
--Chicago, Lake & Dearborn
Eavesdropper: RDC

Mother to four-year-old son: "Drink your milk and I'll clean your bottom."
--Springboro, OH
Eavesdropper: Mounty

Hollywood development executive explaining preference for Owen Wilson over Luke Wilson: "They're both awful. But at least the blonde one had the decency to try and kill himself"--Los Angeles
Eavesdropper: Weez

Thirtysomething mom to husband: "Give her to me. Let her poop on my lap."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Accomplished Chicago chef recounting his experiences as a chef abroad: "I've never had pig cock."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Male and female friends discuss if he could pay her for sex:
Male: "Do you take credit cards?"
Female: "Only in one place."
--Durham, NC
Eavesdropper: Flounder

Street drummer to onlooker after finishing drum solo: "Give me money. Actually, give me money, crack, cocaine, or weed."
--Chicago, outside Chicago Theatre, State & Lake
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething special ed teacher, referring to a Dunkin Donuts box: "We could put the pill in one of those jelly filled Midgets and then feed it to her. (pause) Wait, isn't that what they're called? (pause) Are there any Midget in this box or what?"

Twentysomething school counselor: "Wait, what's a Midget?"
Special ed teacher: "Wait, what are they called?"
Counselor: "I've been sitting here waiting for a punch line to a joke. They're called Munchkins."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Hipster chick at concert: "I've had my fair share of mac and cheese, you could say."
--Chicago, Schuba's, Belmont & Southport
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk twentysomething marketing executive at a bar: "Do what you will to me, boys!"
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Petite thirtysomthing female: "I'm a German man trapped in a woman's body. Woodworking. Accordion playing. Dachshunds. It's all there." --Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH
Twentysomething therapist at a bar: "There's a nice little dick on that one."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Sixtysomething woman in hair curlers and robe, holding cup of coffee, to sixtysomething man leaving her house at 9am on a Sunday: "I'm not really into that right now."
--Chicago, Sheffield & Montana
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomthing female waiting for the 1st period of a hockey game to end: "I think we should try a 6-way in 2 minutes and 20 seconds."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Thirtysomthing female: "I'd really like to raise a chicken in the city."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Fourth grade teacher referring to a Sheltie: "He just got me in the face."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Thirtysomthing female watching Biggest Loser: "I feel like this show rewards people for being fat. Hey, here's a celebrity because you're a fat ass."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks to the many of you who opened your ears – and your hearts – to submit to this installment. It was a pretty solid one. As always, if you overhear something funny, email it to for inclusion in the next exciting edition of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tuesday Top Ten: Songs With "Mother" in the Title

Happy belated Mothers Day to every woman who has birthed or adopted a child. I managed to drop the ball on several of my Mothers Day present ideas for Jester. It turns out, it's a lot harder to find two frozen dead birds than you might think. Anyway, I have a great idea now, but I can't share it with anyone, and it will require some time to complete. This is all to say that this list will not have much analysis.

In honor of mothers everywhere, here are my top ten songs with the word "mother" in the title (this includes "mother's" or "mothers," but not "mama," "mom," "mommy," "motherless," "Mothra," or any other variation):

10. "I Want to be the Boy to Warm Your Mother's Heart" by The White Stripes
In this song, "your mother" sounds like a pretty big bitch.

9. "Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, Standing in the Shadows" by The Rolling Stones
In this song, "your mother" sounds like a pretty big banshee.

8. "Mother Mary" by Foxboro Hot Tubs
Green Day's alter-ego busts out a great garage rock tune.

7. "Mother Popcorn" by James Brown
More like the Godmother of Soul. See what I did there?

6. "Mother" by John Lennon
A heartwrenching song, influenced by primal scream therapy, saying goodbye to his mother (who had been dead for over a decade at that point). (Not on

5. "Mother" by Pink Floyd
"Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?" Yes. (Not on

4. "No Sugar Tonight / New Mother Nature" by The Guess Who
An underrated song.

3. "Mother's Daughter" by Santana
Awesome song off of the Abraxas album.

2. "Mother's Little Helper" by The Rolling Stones
It's about DRUGS!

1. "Mother" by Danzig
The ultimate song about a mother's duty to protect her child, unless she has no problem with finding hell with Glenn Danzig.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Monday, May 10, 2010

Attention Chicago Doors Fans!

No, Kevin, I'm not referring to Chicagoland area fans of wooden planks on hinges. As I wrote about on the penultimate day of last July, there is now-relatively new documentary about The Doors called When You're Strange. It features previously unseen footage of the band between 1965 and Jim Morrison's death in 1971, and it is narrated by Johnny Depp. In my opinion, The Doors are the best American rock band of all-time, and Jim Morrison is one of the most magnetic and intriguing figures in rock history. Clearly, I can't wait to see this.

It was briefly in select theaters, and it will be on PBS here in Chicago (Channel 11 -- the channel with Antiques Roadshow) several times this week. Get your acid and DVR ready. Here are the showtimes:
-Wednesday 5/12 9 p.m.
-Thursday 5/13 3 p.m. (this one's on WTTW Prime -- channel 11.2)
-Saturday 5/15 10 p.m.
-Sunday 5/16 3 a.m.

Thanks to Bohmann for the heads up. For your enjoyment, here is the trailer:

Friday, May 07, 2010


Most Popular Baby Names for 2009 Released

I love the Social Security Administration's annual list of the most popular baby names, which generally confirms my belief that people are morons.

When Jester and I toiled over baby names, we thought long and hard about the consequences of each name. (FYI, there are no bad consequences for naming a boy Leon.) We didn't want a name that was too trendy (Emma, Abby), too cutesy (Birdie), too weird (Propecia), is a dog's name (Bailey, Riley), might result in bad nicknames (Dysenteria), or is associated with people we hate or don't respect (Daria – God, I hated that show). That's why Daughter was a perfect name. It is reassuring to see that Daughter was not a Top 1000 name for girls (or boys, for that matter). At least I know my kid's name isn't trendy.

Here are the top ten for boys and girls born in 2009:

1. Jacob. Classic biblical name.
2. Ethan. Douche.
3. Michael. No problems with archangels.
4. Alexander. No problems with this either, although you better hope he is great.
5. William. No problems here either.
6. Joshua. Easy nickname: Tree.
7. Daniel. No problems here, although I would caution against it if you have a lions den. That's just too cliché.
8. Jayden. (Sigh) See "Terrifying trends" below.
9. Noah. "Hey Noah, nice ark. Now give me your lunch money before I beat you with my fists, two-by-two."
10. Anthony. Nothing wrong with this, either.

1. Isabella. A nice classic name for an Italian whore.
2. Emma. You might as well just name her Baby Spice.
3. Olivia. I can't believe the post-Cosby Show wave has lasted this long.
4. Sophia. Apparently there are a lot of Golden Girls fans in the US.
5. Ava. I don't have anything against this name.
6. Emily. This one's fine too.
7. Madison. This seems like a name for girls who will eventually drive Range Rovers.
8. Abigail. I actually like this name.
9. Chloe. At least it's not spelled "Khloe." That spelling is 95th, just behind, cough, Serenity.
10. Mia. Mama Mia!

Terrifying trends:
-Jayden is now the 8th most popular name for boys. Thank you Britney Spears for ensuring that a good chunk of the newest generation will never be CEOs or politicians. With a name like Jayden, you're pretty much relegated to telemarketing or motocross. It's like the Brandy of boys' names. Not that I have anything against Brandy. She's a fine girl and would make a good wife, but she's also a barmaid, and I'm a pirate.

-Andrew has fallen to 15th, its lowest rank since 1982. This is a classic, manly name (as long as you don't muck it up by calling the kid Andy), associated with dying spread-eagle. It doesn't get any cooler than that.

-Elvis has fallen from 713 to 858. Come on, America. Don't let the King's legacy fade.

-Speaking of which, King was the 462nd most popular boys name. King. I wonder how many times in each of their lives they'll be asked whether a particular girl is their queen. Do parents not think of this kind of stuff?

-Nevaeh, which is heaven spelled backward, was the 34th most popular name for girls (and Heaven was 275, and the misspelled Neveah was 959). What the fuck, people? Sure, Werdna (or Semaj, which is 674 for boys) is a cool way to confuse people, but I wouldn't name my kid that. Worse yet, Navaeh sounds an awful lot like a skin care product. And Heaven? You're pretty much just setting your kid up for failure and a lifetime of merciless teasing. Don't be surprised if there is a Satanist backlash. You might think Lleh is Welsh, but in reality is even more evil.

-Along those same lines, Genesis is the 83rd most popular girls' name. When she gets older, I'm guessing she'll want an exodus from that name. Hi-yoohhhh!

-Brooklyn is the 37th most popular girls' name. That's terrible. And the following are names that people have actually bestowed upon their sons: Trenton (208), Kingston (225), Dallas (338), Phoenix (367), London (517), Dayton (521), Boston (540), Memphis (605), Branson (815), and Houston (935). As Coach Finstock once told me, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

-As I did last year, I have counted the number of boys' two-syllable names that have a long "a" in the first syllable and a "den" sound in the second syllable. Last year it was 38. This year it's up to 41: Jayden (8), Aiden (12), Brayden (47), Aidan (72), Ayden (85), Hayden (91), Jaden (101), Kaden (102), Caden (103), Kayden (138), Cayden (143), Kaiden (169), Jaiden (171), Braden (185), Aden (253), Caiden (260), Aaden (271), Adan (293), Braydon (310), Braeden (374), Zayden (399), Jaydon (418), Jadon (505), Braiden (484), Bradyn (621), Aydan (622), Jaeden (636), Aydin (646), Raiden (670), Kaeden (716), Aidyn (724), Zaiden (763), Jaydin (799), Jadyn (804), Jaidyn (807), Kadyn (834), Aedan (838), Kadin (839), Jaydan (856), Haiden (911), and Braedon (919). All these, you no Iron Maiden. Maybe in 2010.

-The following boys' names should be reserved only for porn pseudonyms or characters in Westerns or spy films: Gage (141), Cash (250), Dakota (251), Colt (370), Jett (390), Justice (428), Talon (436), River (448), Maverick (543), Remington (583), Ace (608), Cannon (623), Nash (673), Gauge (718), Blaze (818), Bronson (897), Sterling (901)

Here are some names about which I felt compelled to comment:

Sergio (224). A baby should be named Sergio only if he comes out of the womb with a pencil-thin mustache.
Ryker (353). Might as well name him Attica (or Attyca), or even Atticus (#609).
Titus (439). Maybe Dexter's Class would have been a better name. Or Herman's Head.
Maximiliano (460). It's a bit garish.
Cullen (485). "Son, we named you after a vampire from a book and movie series aimed at teenage girls. I think you should just focus on the vampire part."
Noe (544). No.
Luciano (653). He better be lucky.
Sincere (700). It's bad enough that anyone should be named Sincere, but it's worse for a boy. At least if it was a girl, when she undoubtedly grows up to be a porn star, she could have a series entitled "In Sincere."
Misael (748). Is that pronounced "missile"? Or like a gay southern man pronouncing "Miss L"?
Jagger (764) and Lennon (951). You can't just take a rock star's last name and make it into your kid's first name. Obviously, that last sentence is not true.
Jair (798) and Yair (837). The Jair (or Yair) up there.
Ean (808). Is that pronounced "een" or "ee-an"? You can pretty much guarantee he will be asked that on a daily basis for the next 28 years, right up until he commits suicide.
Aarav (814) and Arnav (870). They will either be fortune tellers or trapeze artists.
Bridger (867). "What does your son do?" "He builds and repairs bridges." "Oh, so he's a bridger." "Yes, that's why we named him Bridger."
Krish (879). Everyone will just assume he pronounces "Chris" weirdly.
Yael (930). "Dude, you should totally go to Yale." "I can't. My parents don't know how to spell."
Fletcher (931). If your son makes arrows, then yes. On the bright side, you can call him Fletch.
Slade (937). Mama, weer all crazee now.
German (944). I guess Justin Bieber was wrong. We do use this term in America.
Juelz (972). Not that Jules is necessarily a better option, but at least it wouldn't look like a four-year-old was attempting to spell "Jules."
Chaz (991). Under no circumstances should you name your kid Chaz.
Mustafa (1000). That Hansel is so hot right now.

Trinity (74). I'm glad to see The Matrix is still making its mark.
Marley (149). Again, you should never give your daughter the same name as a famous dog.
Scarlett (169). Scarlett is a whore's name. (On a side note, the only Scarlett I've ever met is not a whore, so I might be wrong on this one.)
Cadence (222). Cadence is a noun, not a pronoun.
Lexi (259) and Lexie (498). At least with Alexis, she has the option of not having a name that rhymes with "sexy."
Ivy (32). Ivy is a whore's name. (On a side note, the only Ivy I've ever known of was Ivy Crane on Passions, and she was a whore.)
Georgia (337). On my mind. Too easy.
Madisyn (359). This spelling is not good. It looks like an over-the-counter nasal congestion medicine. "My sinuses were killing me. Then I took two Madisyn, and they cleared up almost immediately, allowing me to do the things I wanted to do with my day." Cue picture of her riding a bike.
Paola (381). Inevitably, she will eat eucalyptus leaves and/or bring down Alan Freed.
Itzel (398). Yes, but what does itzel?
Harley (423). Harley is, in fact, my dog's name. It is also about as butchy a name you can give a girl.
Yaretzi (478). This is uncomfortably close to Yatzee.
Journey (497). Life is a journey.
Diamond (501). Diamond is the quintessential stripper name. It is impossible to stress that point too often.
Yareli (512). "Boy, yareli yelled at him Yareli."
Aspen (589). This also sounds like a stripper name. "Aspen to the center stage please."
Charlie (616). This is only acceptable for a female when it's a code name given to you by the United States Navy. She is a civilian, so you do not salute her.
Sanaa (731). First, it reeks of Dutch influence. Second, if you say it backwards, it's "anus."
Patience (747). Said sugar, take it slow. Things'll work out right.
Precious (783). Isn't she?
Azul (792). I know it means "blue" in Spanish, but it also sounds like a demon or maybe an evil ghost from Ghostbusters. Regardless, it's not a great name for a girl.
Jamya (803). Any name that could vaguely sound like a sexual metaphor should be avoided. "I want to jam ya right in the sanaa."
Shyanne (812). It's the opposite of Outgoinganne.
Calleigh (832). Why would I want to call Leigh?
Aracely (854). I don't know what to do with this one.
Belen (877). Because Helen might be too old-fashioned.
Maryjane (891). Come on.
Dixie (935). Really?
Deja (979). God dammit, no.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 5/7/10

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Thursday, May 06, 2010

Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

Jester apprised me of a hilarious website: Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Man, there are a lot of lesbians who look like Justin Bieber, or is it the other way around.

Christoff apprised me of a hilarious website: Look at This Fucking Hipster. There is also a site called Look at This Fuckin' Hipster. Despite their different names, both sites have essentially the same premise (and both are hilarious). Some of the pictures may not be appropriate to view in your place of employment, so proceed with caution.

I Spit on Your Grave Redux

Back in the day, Floppy Burrito forged his mom's signature on a note that explained to All-Star Video he was allowed to rent whatever movie he so desired, no matter the rating. We took full advantage of this forgery. I'll say this: if you haven't seen Picasso Trigger as a 14-year-old boy, then you haven't lived.

One of the more memorable films we rented is the cult classic, I Spit on Your Grave -- an exploitation film made in 1978 and released in 1980 about a woman who gets raped by some bumpkins at her cabin in the middle of the woods where she was trying to write a book. In addition to a book, she authors some sick revenge. It is awesome. The death scenes are graphic and disturbing, yet extremely satisfying, given what Jennifer Hills endured. Some of the lines are classic and unintentionally funny. And there are boobs.

I learned today that there is a remake of I Spit on Your Grave, set for a Halloween 2010 release. Many thanks to Greg Weeser* for the link, which makes a preliminary comparison of the original and the remake, coming to the obvious conclusion that the original is better. I have mixed emotions about this remake. The original is a cult film, made in the late '70s with a 35mm camera. It's has a low-budget, gritty quality to it that adds to the feel of the film. Looking at the trailer for the remake, it's in HD. That alone is a bad sign. And it appears that it has some cliche horror movie lines.

Cult films should be off-limits for remakes. It's a cult film because of the time period and style in which it was made. I can't imagine a remake of I Spit on Your Grave capturing the essence of the original or being as much of a cult classic as the original, just like I can't imagine a remake of Avenging Disco Godfather or Orgy of the Dead being worthwhile.

Here are the two trailers. You decide.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Stop Education Cuts

I don't mean to sound sycophantic, but teachers are good people. Whether it's teaching or spewing out aural alchemy that a loose-lipped Lithuanian overhears, teachers add value to society. Along those lines, I don't like to hear about teachers losing their jobs (and certainly ones that I know) due to budget cuts. If there's one thing people across the political spectrum should agree on, it's that education cuts create a large and violent whirlpool -- one might say, a maelstrom -- of concern over the quality of schooling our future generations might be getting.

Here in Illinois, our sometimes cunty governor, Patrick Quinn (no doubt a ginger or two in his family) has proposed $1.3 billion in education cuts, which would result in class sizes of up to 37. As you might imagine, this has gone over like a queef at high mass.

Rather than be obsequious to the Governor's plan, go to NO TO 37 at, from which you can easily contact your state legislators (and the Governor) and protest cuts to school funding.

The parents who started NO TO 37 must have been prescient because it has gained a huge following and is one of the first public e-mail campaigns to actually receive some serious attention. According to one article, it has already resulted in 90,000 e-mails. It's more popular than Mothra.

Don't be a dicknose. Contact your legislators and let them know that education is important. And while you're at it, send this link ( to others or post the link on your Facebook accounts.

As for me, I'm getting tired. I think I'll retire to my sarcophagus.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Tuesday Top Ten: Words I'd Like to Use More Often

"I am a borderline psychopath." These are words that use with surprising frequency. There are a lot of words that I hear, however, and think "Sarcophagus. Now there's a word I'd like to use more often in everyday conversation. 'Excuse me, sir, I believe you're sitting in my sarcophagus.'"

Anywho, here are the ten words I'd like to use more often, along with a sentence or a couple sentences giving an example as to how it might be used.

10. Prescient
"Her anus was far from prescient."

9. Ginger
"Chet, I think I know who stole your dubloons: that fucking ginger sitting over there. Be careful, though. They're spry, unclean, and prone to biting."

8. Alchemy
"I've heard the music of Pink Floyd described as sonic alchemy. That's a pretty weird thing to say."

7. Sycophantic
"I was gonna tell her she has some nice fuckin' titties, but I didn't want to appear overly sycophantic."

6. Obsequious
"People in Ford commercials seem way too obsequious."

5. Mothra
"That reminds me of Mothra."

4. Cunty
"Your Honor, plaintiff's arguments are cunty at best."

3. Maelstrom
"Maelstrom is a word I'd like to use more often."

2. Dicknose
"Elihu always felt a little self-conscious about his dicknose."

1. Queef
"Pffffffffffffffttttthhhhhhhhhhhh is one of the many sounds a queef might make." On a side note, seriously people, I've said it before and I'll say it again: let's bring "queef" back into the common lexicon. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't pulled my weight, but then again, I've been hanging out with Mothra. Maybe if we started a Facebook group with a punny title like "God Save the Queef," then the movement could gain some traction.