American Horror Story: Murder House

1983.  The Murder House has a sweet silver t-top Trans Am in front.  No Loverboy blasting from it, which is never a good sign.  In the master bedroom, Moira (who is looking fine) is making the bed.  Some drunk preppy dude wearing a shirt and tie (probably an Alpha Beta) comes into the room and starts putting the moves on Moira.  She's all, "Get your finger out of my anus."  He's all, "Want a Camaro?"  She's all, "No."  Then he starts to force himself on her.  Constance – that nosey bitch from next door – walks in with a gun, shoots Moira through the eye, which seems like a shitty punishment for getting raped.  Then Constance tells the dude, "I've loved you since I was 16."  He's all, "It meant nothing."  Wrong.  It meant two shots to the chest.  Pop pop.  After realizing she's gonna have to clean all this blood out of these nice white linens since she just killed the maid, Constance freaks out.

Flash forward to the present.  Vivien is all pissed at Ben because their investment manager went all Madoff on them and took their cash.  She wants to sell the house, probably because of the murders that happen all the time in the house.

Vivien gets the real estate agent, Marcy, back into the house.  Marcy calls Obama a "bum."  She gets all pissed off because she lives in a shitty apartment.  Then Vivien turns the tables and explains in no uncertain terms that Marcy will put on a happy face and try her damnedest to sell this house, lest she wants to see the back of Vivien's hand or a "criminal negligence" lawsuit.  Technically, you can't sue someone for "criminal negligence," but I don't think Vivien went to law school – certainly not an accredited one.

Moira walks in on Constance stealing silverware from the Harmons.  Constance tells her she's going to sell it the silverware on eBay.  There's something really fucked up going on between them.  They talk about being stuck in this situation.  Constance confirms

Ben's meeting with a patient – a really boring chick who can’t stop blabbering, listing the NFL teams.  Then all the sudden he wakes up and finds himself outside with blood on his hands.  He comes back into the house, and Hot Moira is cleaning up the blood.  Then she comes onto him, and he rebuffs her.  Vivien walks in and sees Ben grabbing and yelling at Old Moira, since only Ben sees her as Hot Moira.  Man, this old/young Moira shit is hilarious.  Ben and Vivien try to fire Moira.  She basically says no.  More people should take a cue from Moira.  "You're fired."  "No, I'm not.  By the way, I folded your sheets and did your laundry, dicks."

Vivien is in the front yard cutting yellow roses – which are not the state flower of Texas, regardless of what songs may lead you to believe.  Then an "Eternal Darkness Tours" truck pulls up.  The Murder House is on the tour route.  That can't help the resale value.

So out of nowhere, Hayden shows up at the Harmons' house.  Yes, the very same bitch who Ben knocked up.  Turns out, she didn't get an abortion, she's moving to LA, she is having this kid, and she wants Ben to support the kid.  Ben about has a stroke.  This is unacceptable.  Why are all the women in Ben's life so crazy?  If only he'd married a nice Italian woman, he would have been dead when she walked in on him and Hayden, and he wouldn't have to put up with any of this shit.

Just as Ben is about to go apeshit on Hayden – or maybe hate fuck her (there's no way we can know) – some detective rings the bell.  He's looking for that boring chick who was Ben's patient who he may or may not have killed.  Even the detective thinks this chick was boring.  Weirder yet, the detective sees Moira as Hot Moira too.  Mamma mia!

Then, Vivien takes an Eternal Darkness Tour.  Get this:  the tour ends at the Harmons' house.  It's just that eerie.  The tour guide takes us through the history of the house.  A doctor built it in the '20s, got addicted to ether, and developed a "Frankenstein complex."  Charles is his name.  He's played by Louis Carruthers from American Psycho.  He tried to sew bat wings on a pig.  I saw it with my own eyes.  Charles had some financial troubles.  I can't understand why.  His wife decided that, to make ends meet, they would lure would-be Hollywood starlets into their house under some sort of sex-and-money-for-stardom ruse, and then drug them and kill them after getting their money.  Classic.  The tour guide then tells us that dozens of chicks were murdered in the basement, but things came to a head in 1926.  Then Vivien has her period.  This wouldn't be a big deal except she had assumed it was okay to wear white pants.  Awkward.  She bolts from the tour into her house – the Murder House.

Don't worry.  It was just a little spotting.  A little discharge is perfectly normal.  Vivien's OB/GYN tells her she can't move because it's too much stress.  Ben faints.

Constance has dachshunds.  Maybe I like her after all. 

Ben scours his office for a missing tape recorder.  Then he wakes up lying in the backyard next to a shovel.  He goes for a run.  Larry, the burned guy who murdered his family in the Murder House, spots Ben and asks him for $1000.

The doorbell rings.  Vivien answers the door.  It's Charles's wife.  She wants to look at the house.  Vivien is tentative, given that the last time she answered the door, it ended in murder.  You know, because it's the Murder House.

Putting aside the fact that Charles's wife has likely been dead for 80 years, she's kind of acting strange.  She doesn't like the kitchen.  Then she gets all creepy and says she had a child once.  Then you see that the back of her head has a pretty nice chunk taken out of it.  Definite hat day.  Vivien turns around, then Charles's wife disappears.

The detective shows up.  The patient didn't die at Ben's hands.  She just tried to commit suicide.  She took Ben's tape recorder.  No big deal.

Vivien and Violet look at a nice 2BR apartment.  Violet doesn't want to move out of the Murder House.  Meanwhile, Ben figures out that Moira is drugging his coffee with some narcotic that hasn't been used since the '30s that causes short term memory loss – and murder?  Before he can really explain to Moira that this isn't appropriate behavior, no matter how hot she is, Hayden shows up again.  She's getting mouthy.  Pregnancy does that to a woman.  Believe me.  Ben is all, "Simma donna."  She agrees to go somewhere with him where they can discuss the giant problem that she is going to cause for Ben.  As they step out of the backdoor, Larry is there with a shovel.  BAM!  Right to Hayden's head.  And again.  Only two whacks, and she's dead.  Classic Larry.  Ben is freaking out.  Larry explains that shit's gonna be fine.  He digs a hole and says, "Yo Ben, about that $1000."  What he lacks in physical attractiveness, he gains in slyness.  At the bottom of the hole Larry digs is another body, which may have been Charles and his wife's baby.  It's too early to tell. 

To celebrate Hayden's death, Ben builds a gazebo on the spot where Hayden and possibly a 1920s baby are buried, like in less than a minute.  It's quite impressive actually. Constance and Moira are watching this from a window in the Murder House, presumably while Constance steals more of Vivien's jewelry.  The Constance tells Moira she's "stuck here forever."  Moira must really love gazebos.

As the episode ends, Vivien and Ben are sleeping soundly in their bed.  Building a gazebo in less than a minute will tire you out.  Charles's wife, however, is now sitting on the bed.

So, we are left with the following questions?

1. How is any of this possible?

2.  How soon until Ben quits his job as a psychiatrist and becomes a gazebo builder?

3.  Will Charles's wife – who is dead, mind you – make things awkward for Vivien and Ben when they wake up?  Or will they all have a good laugh about it and then get naked?  Will Moira join in?  If so, will it be Hot Moira or Old Moira?  Will anyone even care?

4.  What does Larry need that $1000 for?  I bet it's whores.  Or maybe more shovels.

5.  Whatever happened to that Trans Am?

6.  Why is Moira stuck at the Murder House?  Does it have to do with the fact that she's a Cyclops thanks to Constance's crack shot?

7.  Do these people ever just sit down on the couch and watch King of Queens reruns?  I think that would go a long way towards endearing the Harmons to all of the murderous ghosts in the house.

8.  What are the chances the Murder House sells?  I'm guessing Charles's wife – who is dead, mind you – doesn't have the greenbacks to buy it.  And where's Charles?  Can I call him Chuck?

9.  When are Tate and Violet going to take it to the next level?  Kids are so cute at that age.

10.  If a house is a Murder House, can it ever become a non-Murder House?  Like maybe a Hair Band Music House?  Or a Beer and Smoked Cheese House?  Or JD Roth's Fun House?  I think any of those would help Marcy sell the house.  But then again, would the Harmons even want to move if they could make the house turn that corner?  It'll be interesting to see which one they choose.