What Your Bracket is Trying to Tell You

Hi, I'm your bracket.  That $10 that you're about to give to Jim in Accounting for your office pool?  You're never going to see that again, not because you haven't watched enough college basketball this year (that's impossible), but because you're an idiot.  You have so much hope right now it's sickening, so before you start writing, I want to tell you something.  I am trying to break your heart.  Yeah, I just made a Wilco reference.  What, just because I'm a piece of paper, I can't listen to music or watch documentaries?  Well I do.  And mark my words, I am your Waterloo.

On that note, I also want to let you know that there will be some major upsets.  You will not pick them.  If anything, you will pick the team that will be upset to win it all.  Because you do that every year.

Wow, you're going to use a green felt-tip pen?  Might as well use a crayon, Peter Pan.  Okay, we're starting with the South Region.  Top left.  How fucking original.  No one ever starts on the right side.  Kentucky over either Mississippi Valley State or Western Kentucky.  Bravo.  UConn over Iowa State.  That's a sexy pick that makes me think you haven't heard Doug Gottlieb say "Iowa State has three different players who hit 50 threes this season" for the fiftieth time.  VCU over Wichita State.  I appreciate the 12-5 upset, but not this one.  Indiana over New Mexico State, UNLV over Colorado, Baylor over South Dakota State.  Good good good.  Xavier over Notre Dame.  False.  Duke over Lehigh.  I would hope so.  Onto the third round.  Yeah, that's right, it's called the third round, not the second round.  See, it says it right on me.  I'm sure you still want to call the first round the "play-in games," but then again, you are a twat.  So anyway, Kentucky over UConn.  Thank you for not pandering to all the idiots on TV who say UConn will beat Kentucky.  VCU over Indiana?  Really?  I take back my last comment, as you are clearly pandering to some idiots who, because of Butler and VCU, there HAS to be a mid-major in the Final Four.  Baylor over UNLV.  I agree.  Duke over Xavier.  Wow, that's two in a row that made sense.  Okay, Sweet 16.  Try not to fuck this up.  Kentucky over VCU and Baylor over Duke.  I can actually live with that.  Baylor over Kentucky.  Wait, what are you doing?  Everyone knows Kentucky is going to win it all.  Coach Calipari doesn't look the other way while his players get paid for nothing.  Sure, it's going to get vacated later, but that doesn't mean you can't pick it now.  Jesus, you suck.

Good God, let's hope you do better in the West.  MSU over LIU.  Yes.  St. Louis over Memphis.  I can see that.  New Mexico over Long Beach State.  That's a 12-5 upset ripe for the picking, but I respect your decision, even if I don't respect you.  Louisville over Davidson.  Of course.  Murray State over Colorado State.  Agreed.  You're doing really well so –- Iona over Marquette?!  I know what you're thinking:  "There's gotta be one major upset in the first round."  First of all, it's called the second round now.  Learn how to read.  Second, I can't slap you in the mouth, but if I could, I would.  I would also box your ears.  Virginia over Florida.  Seems possible.  Mizzou over Norfolk State.  You sure, Captain Upset?  Third Round.  MSU over St. Louis.  Thank you.  Louisville over New Mexico.  I have no problem with that.  Murray State over Iona.  You got that right.  Mizzou over Virginia.  I hate to say it, but smart choice.  Sweet 16.  Michigan State over Louisville.  Fine.  Murray State over Mizzou?!  Now you're just trying to piss me off.  Michigan State over Murray State for a trip to the Final Four.  Thank you for not making me set myself on fire.

Wagons East!  Yeah, I just made a reference to one of the worst movies of all-time in an attempt to tie it to the fact that your next region is the East.  It was a risky move on my part, and by the perplexed look on your face, I see that it fell flat.  Remember this:  I am still your master.  Syracuse beats UNC-Asheville.  Clearly.  Southern Miss over Kansas State.  Okay.  Vandy over Harvard.  So you pick VCU and Iona, but not Harvard over one of the biggest choke schools in recent memory?  Two things are guaranteed in life:  Walter doesn't roll on Shabbos and Vanderbilt won't make it past the first weekend of the NCAA tournament.  "But they're different this year.  They have momentum from winning the SEC tournament."  Stop listening to Dick Vitale, and start looking at history.  They made the Elite 8 in 1965.  Since then, they have made it past the first weekend five times.  Their last three trips to the dance have lasted one game, losing as a 5 seed last year, a 4 seed in 2010, and a 4 seed in 2008.  I hate you.  Wisconsin over Montana.  Good.  Cincinnati over Texas.  I agree.  Florida State over St. Bonaventure.  I would think you're actually right on that one.  Gonzaga over West Virginia.  I suppose that's possible.  Ohio State over Loyola (Md.).  Way to finish that round strong.  Round of 32.  Syracuse over Southern Miss.  Agreed.  Vandy over Wisconsin.  Let me guess, you were the one person who watched Baby Bob.  Florida State over Cincy.  Fine.  Ohio State over Gonzaga.  Probably.  Sweet 16.  Vandy over Syracuse?!  You really are drinking the kool-aid, aren't you.  You do realize there is poison in it, right?  Of course you don't.  Because you weren't listening to Reverend Jones's speech.  Ohio State over Florida State.  I don't care anymore.  And, of course, you take Vandy over Ohio State to go to the Final Four.  Good luck, you magnificent moron.

Final region:  The Midwest.  Redeem yourself.  UNC over either Lamar or Vermont.  Touché.  Creighton over Alabama.  You're right.  Cal over Temple, huh?  A team from the Pac-12 that has no business being in the tournament is going to beat the A-10 regular season champ?  Why do I bother?  Ohio over Michigan?!  Okay, chode.  Now you're just trying to piss me off.  San Diego State over NC State.  Thank you for not listening to Doug Gottlieb on this one.  Georgetown over Belmont.  Good.  St. Mary's over Purdue.  Thank you.  Kansas over Detroit.  Glad you didn't buy into that "Kansas always loses in the first round" hype.  Okay, let's move onto the next round so I can reconsider any kind words I've said about you.  UNC over Creighton.  Well done, shitbag.  Cal over Ohio.  Does it really matter at that point?  San Diego State over Georgetown.  Ugh.  St. Mary's over Kansas?!  What in holy hell is wrong with you?  You know what an Alaskan Pipeline is?  That's what I want to do to you right now, but in your pee hole.  Sweet 16.  UNC over Cal.  Jesus, you sure?  St. Mary's over San Diego State.  Whatever.  UNC over St. Mary's for the Final Four berth. 

Let's get this over with.  Your Final Four is Baylor, Michigan State, Vanderbilt, and North Carolina.  Stop tapping your pen on me while you think.  Michigan State over Baylor.  I can live with that.  North Carolina over Vandy.  Our long national nightmare is over.  Michigan State over North Carolina in the aircraft carrier rematch.  Great job, dickhead.  I weep for you.  You know what's going to happen.  Come Monday April 2, you'll be wallowing in self-pity, sitting at some bar, playing Linda Ronstadt's version of "When Will I Be Loved?" on repeat on the jukebox, half in the bag with dried blueberry daiquiri stains on your shirt, babbling to some stranger while Kentucky and Syracuse play for the title.  "You know, I almost picked them," you'll mumble right before you vomit on yourself and are escorted out of the bar.  No you didn't, and I am the proof.  But by then I will have been long gone, buried at the bottom of your office recycling bin along with junk mail and the latest issue of GQ.  Because, even though you're well-dressed, you suck.