Mascot Fight Bracket

Back when I lived in Dayton, I used to run my office March Madness pool.  In Ohio, I kid you not, they have an exception in their state gambling law for March Madness pools, or at least that's what the office manager told us.  Anyway, one of the partners brought me a couple brackets one year, one of which was filled out by his six-year-old son.  The guy was almost apologetic about it (like I cared if he was wasting $5 on his son's bracket), and he explained that his son chose if bracket based on which school's mascot would beat the opposing school's mascot in a fight.  The final was Nevada vs. NC State.  That's right:  Wolf Pack vs. Wolfpack.  I assume he flipped a coin to choose Nevada.  He placed last.

So far, I have filled out 15 brackets, each with a different Final Four.  I hate all of them.  Thus, for my next bracket, I will go the route of the mascot.  Here is how it plays out.

South Region:

Play-in:

(16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. (16) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers.  The devil bought Robert Johnson's soul at the crossroads in the Mississippi Delta.  That's hardcore enough to beat someone who can run to the top of a dirt mound.  Winner:  Mississippi Valley State

Round of 64:

(1) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils.  This is a tough one.  On one hand, a wildcat is wild.  On the other hand, the devil is the devil.  I'm going to assume the devil controls wildcats, so Mississippi Valley State advances.  Winner:  Mississippi Valley State

(8) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (9) Connecticut Huskies.  Cyclones throw Huskies to their deaths.  Winner:  Iowa State

(5) Wichita State Shockers vs. (12) Virginia Commonwealth Rams.  Rams are stupid animals.  While I have no idea what a Shocker is (outside of the bedroom), I am going to assume it means an electric fence.  Rams run into electric fences.  Winner:  Wichita State

(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. New Mexico State Aggies.  I went to Indiana, and I'm not really sure what a Hoosier is, other than someone from the State of Indiana.  Hoosiers don't get beat or outsmarted by ag schools.  Winner:  Indiana

(6) UNLV Running Rebels vs. (11) Colorado Buffaloes.  Rebels have guns.  Buffaloes stand still and get shot.  Winner:  UNLV

(3) Baylor Bears vs. (14) South Dakota State Jackrabbits.  Bears eat Jackrabbits.  Winner:  Baylor

(7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (10) Xavier Musketeers.  Some drunk Irishman against a dude with a rifle?  No contest.  Winner:  Xavier.

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Lehigh Mountain Hawks.  Sure, a Mountain Hawk is a hawk, but a devil, no matter his color, is a devil.  Winner:  Duke

Round of 32:

(8) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils.  Cyclones are God's creation.  Sorry, Delta Devils.  Winner:  Iowa State

(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (5) Wichita State Shockers.  Hoosiers are familiar enough with electric fences to know how to avoid them and/or how to de-electrify them safely.  Winner:  Indiana

(3) Baylor Bears vs. (6) UNLV Running Rebels.  Rebels have guns.  Bears don't.  Winner:  UNLV

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (10) Xavier Musketeers.  This is a tough one.  A Blue Devil is mischievous and spry, while a Musketeer is a French dude with a gun.  Devils control the French.  Winner:  Duke

Sweet 16:

(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (8) Iowa State Cyclones.  You don't live in Tornado Alley without knowing how to deal with tornadoes.  The Hoosiers go to the storm cellar and wait for the Cyclones to pass and eventually dissipate. Winner:  Indiana

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (6) UNLV Running Rebels.  Rebels have guns, but Blue Devils control Rebels.   Winner:  Duke

Elite 8:

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (4) Indiana Hoosiers.  Even God-fearing Hoosiers can be tricked -- and killed -- by the devil.  Winner:  Duke

West Region:

Play-in:

(14) BYU Cougars vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  A sword-wielding Scot can chop the head off of a Morman cat.  Winner:  Iona.

Round of 64:

(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (16) Long Island University Blackbirds.  Blackbird singing in the dead of night . . . is killed swiftly by a Spartan.  Winner:  Michigan State

(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (9) St. Louis Billikens.  A billiken is apparently, I shit you not, a charm doll.  Winner:  Memphis

(5) New Mexico Lobos vs. (12) Long Beach State 49ers.  This is a close call.  I'm going to give the wild animal the benefit of the kill here over some money-hungry asshole from Ohio who just arrived in California with nothing more than a prospecting pan and a dream.  Wolves eat dreams' faces.  Winner:  New Mexico

(4) Louisville Cardinals vs. (13) Davidson Wildcats.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Davidson

(6) Murray State Racers vs. (11) Colorado State Rams.  This is another close call.  A Racer is a thoroughbred horse, so it's fast and powerful, while a ram has horns.  I'm going with the Rams, due to the battering ability.  Winner:  Colorado State

(3) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Eagles can fly, but Gaels probably have bow and arrows.  Winner:  Iona

(7) Florida Gators vs. (10) Virginia Cavaliers.  Some haughty Frenchman, bendy little sword in hand, steps off a canoe on the banks of a river, twirls the end of his Rollie Fingers mustache and promptly gets snapped up by a Gator.  Winner:  Florida

(2) Missouri Tigers vs. (15) Norfolk State Spartans.  Have you seen 300?  A Spartan can kill a Tiger.  Winner:  Norfolk State

Round of 32:

(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (8) Memphis Tigers.  Again, Spartans beat Tigers.  Winner:  Michigan State

(5) New Mexico Lobos vs. (13) Davidson Wildcats.  A classic matchup of natural predators.  This will be a bloody mess, but I have to go with the wolf over the cat.  Winner:  New Mexico

(11) Colorado State Rams vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Gaels fuck Rams.  Winner:  Iona

(7) Florida Gators vs. (15) Norfolk State Spartans.  This is a tricky one.  Spartans can be pretty cocky, so they probably think nothing of getting into the water with a Gator.  The problem for the Spartan is a little thing called the death roll.  Winner:  Florida

Sweet 16:

(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (5) New Mexico Lobos.  This one could go either way, but I'm giving the Spartan the edge because of the sword and general disregard for their own safety when fighting to the death.  Winner:  Michigan State.

(7) Florida Gators vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Gaels, while insane Scots, are out of their element when it comes to the Gator.  While they're in awe of what they assume is Nessie, the Gator eats their legs and they bleed out.  Winner:  Florida

Elite 8:

(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (7) Florida Gators.  We've already established what happens when a Spartan meets a Gator.  Winner:  Florida

East Region:

Round of 64:

(1) Syracuse Orangemen vs. (16) North Carolina-Asheville Bulldogs.  A man with orange-tinted skin is no match for a bulldog.  Winner:  North Carolina-Asheville

(8) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles.  The Golden Eagle swoops down, snatches the Wildcat up with its talons, flies to about 50 feet and drops the Wildcat.  It's not pretty, but that's how it goes down.  Winner:  Southern Mississippi

(5) Vanderbilt Commodores vs. (12) Harvard Crimson.  This could be the weakest mascot match-up, but I guess a guy who drives boats beats a color.  Winner:  Vanderbilt

(4) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  Badgers are tenacious, but Grizzlies are bears.  Winner:  Montana

(6) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (11) Texas Longhorns.  A Bearcat is, presumably, a fictional animal that combines the speed and agility of a cat with the power and claws of a bear.  A Longhorn is a cow.  Winner:  Cincinnati

(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (14) St. Bonaventure Bonnies.  Obviously, a Seminole is a Native American tribesman.  A Bonnie is a nickname that plays off the school name, but the mascot is a wolf.  I bet Seminoles could kill wolves, given that they ride horses and have flaming spears.  Winner:  Florida State

(7) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (10) West Virginia Mountaineers.  I'm going with the hill people with guns over the dog with back problems.  Winner:  West Virginia

(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (15) Loyola (Md.) Greyhounds.  A Buckeye is a nut.  But it is a poisonous nut.  Greyhounds will eat anything.  Winner:  Ohio State

Round of 32:

(9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles vs. (16) North Carolina-Asheville Bulldogs.  Bulldogs are too lazy to move, even when a Golden Eagle is approaching to snatch it up and drop it from great heights.  Winner:  Southern Mississippi

(5) Vanderbilt Commodores vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  I don't care if you can steer a ship or not, you are no match for a Grizzly.  Winner:  Montana

(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (6) Cincinnati Bearcats.  Flaming spears beat hybrid animals.  Winner:  Florida State

(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (10) West Virginia Mountaineers.  "Oh, look at this here delicious nut."  Dead.  Winner:  Ohio State

Sweet 16:

(9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  The Golden Eagle can't pick up a Grizzly.  Winner:  Montana

(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (3) Florida State Seminoles.  I feel like Native Americans know which nuts are poisonous.  Winner:  Florida State

Elite 8:

(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  This is your classic man vs. beast match-up.  You might be thinking, "Oh dear God, GMYH, how can a man ever defeat such a large and ferocious beast such as the Grizzly?"  To that I respond, "Because he lives off the land, knows when the bear is sleeping and has a flaming spear.  And what's with the Scarlett O'Hara accent?"  Winner:  Florida State

Midwest Regional:

Play-in:

(16) Lamar Cardinals vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Vermont

(12) California Bears vs. (12) South Florida Bulls.  A stock brokers dream!  Unfortunately for the market, the Bear kills the Bull.  Winner:  California

Round of 64:

(1) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  Do you know what happens when your heel gets stuck in tar?  A mountain lion disembowels you.  Winner:  Vermont

(8) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide.  I don't know what a Crimson Tide is, but I'll assume it's a tidal wave with red flood coloring in it.  Blue Jays can fly above sea level.  Winner:  Creighton

(5) Temple Owls vs. (12) California Bears.  Another one where no analysis is necessary.  Winner:  California

(4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (13) Ohio Bobcats.  This is going to be a great battle with a lot of bloodshed.  Both are gritty and scratchy, but I'll go with the Wolverine in a close one.  Winner:  Michigan

(6) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  I have to agree with the reasoning of my former co-worker's son.  Wolfpacks are tough to beat.  The thing about them is that there are multiple wolves.  Wolves can't be lured with gold like Cortes.  Winner:  North Carolina State

(3) Georgetown Hoyas vs. (14) Belmont Bruins.  You may think a Hoya is a bulldog based on Georgetown's mascot.  It is not.  It is derived from a Latin saying that means "What Rocks!" meaning "look at how awesome those rocks are!"  A bruin is a bear.  Winner:  Belmont

(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (10) Purdue Boilermakers.  "Hi, I am someone who make boilers," the Boilermaker said to the Gael seconds before being opened scrotum to chin by the Gael's sword.  Winner:  St. Mary's

(2) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (15) Detroit Titans.  I have to believe that a race of Greek deities can handle an alt-country band.  Winner:  Detroit

Round of 32:

(8) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Vermont

(4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (12) California Bears.  A wolverine is a great predator if you're looking to kill a squirrel or a sheep, but not a bear.  Winner:  California

(11) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (14) Belmont Bruins.  One bear versus one wolf would be a win for the bear.  But we're talking about a Wolfpack here.  Winner:  North Carolina State

(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (15) Detroit Titans.  This is a tough one.  The Titans were overthrown by the Olympians, so they're certainly not unbeatable.  The Gaels are tougher than nails, but have had problems fending off England.  That said, the English army has had more members than the Titans, and there are a lot more Gaels than Titans.  It's going to be a tough fight, but you have to think the Olympians will help out the Gaels.  Winner:  St. Mary's

Sweet 16:

(12) California Bears vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  Bears can kick cats.  Winner:  California

(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  Not even a bunch of rowdy Scots are a match for a Wolfpack.  Winner:  North Carolina State

Elite 8:

(11) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (12) California Bears.  We've already tackled the Wolfpack vs. Bear issue.  Winner:  North Carolina State

Final Four

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (7) Florida Gators.  Devils control the swamp.  Everyone knows that.  Winner:  Duke

(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  Sure, a Seminole riding a horse with a flaming spear can kill one wolf, but a Wolfpack?  I think not.  Even if the spear gets one wolf, the rest of the pack devours the horse and Seminole.  Winner:  North Carolina State

Championship

(2) Duke vs. (11) North Carolina State.  A Blue Devil controls Wildcats, the French, Rebels, and the swamp, so you would be right to assume it can control a Wolfpack.  Except that you'd be wrong.  The Wolfpack is the only thing that controls a Wolfpack.  Winner:  North Carolina State

So apparently that six-year-old was a genius.