627 Reasons Why I'll Be Working Out Tonight

So Jessie and I were watching this show on TLC last night about this 627-pound woman in North Carolina. Her Body Mass Index was 103. A BMI of 50 puts you in the "super morbidly obese" category, which I didn't even know existed until last night. Up until what looked like her 30s, she was a normal weight, but she had some surgery that deprived her of solid food. Upon her return to consumption of said food, she gained 150 pounds in 2 months, and then decided to do herself one better and more than double that. She was so fat that Duke Medical Center refused to do a gastric bypass on her because they thought she wouldn't survive the surgery. So she was transported via flatbed to some doctor in Richmond, VA who did it.

In case you're eating right now, there was a hole about 2 inches wide and 5 inches long in her sternum where the doctor had inserted both hands to perform the operation. While it was healing (and before it had closed), it became infected, and they showed nurses cleaning the puss out of it. If I ever need a thought to prevent me from becoming sexually aroused, that's the winner, hands down. And I just puked all over my keyboard.

Anywho, this once again brought up the age-old question: if you're more than 50% fat, are you considered to be a fat, rather than a human? Jessie felt that someone who is more than 50% fat is still a human, but just one with a lot of fat. I take a more scientific approach. I say that if someone is more than 50% fat, then he/she ceases to be a human in the literal sense and is in fact a piece of lard that has characteristics resembling those of a human. Now I realize this may upset the over-50%-fat GMYH-reading crowd out there, but it's just how I feel, and if you're in that demographic, then you're probably having this read to you anyway (on account of the inability to move), so the person reading it to you should've read ahead and chosen to edit what they relayed to you.

MLB playoffs start in a couple minutes at 1pm Eastern with the Cardinal taking on the Padres, who had the worst record of any team to ever make the playoffs (82-80). Sox/Sox play at 4, and then the Yankees/Angels at 8. Astros/Braves start tomorrow. Here's how it happens in my perfect world:
-ALDS: White Sox over Red Sox; Angels over Yankees
-NLDS: Astros over Braves; Padres over Cardinals
-ALCS: White Sox over Angels
-NLCS: Astros over Padres
-World Series: White Sox and Astros share title

Fantasy Update:
-Corn Hole'ers (1976 Tampa Bay Bucs): 1-3 (T 6th of 8)
-FIC You (Car Ramrod): 1-3 (T 6th of 10)
-Glenview Gridiron (Angry Pirates): 3-0 (1st of 12)
-League of Extraordinary Gents (Angry Pirates): 3-1 (T 1st of 10)
-Pigskin 2005 Pick 'Em (Angry Pirates): 6th of 17 (11th last week)

Speaking of the NFL, the NFC Norris is making a Lance-Armstrong-in-the-mountains type run for the title of worst division ever. So far, the Bears, Lions, Vikings, and Packers have a combined record of 3-11 (with 2 of those wins coming against fellow division foes), led by the Lions and Bears tied for the lead with 1-2 records. I take back my previous prediction that 7-9 might win the division. 6-10 has a pretty damn good shot. On an extremely related note, rather than working on his arm strength and timing in an effort to improve the Bears' 29th-ranked passing attack, Bears QB Kyle Orton decided to chug Jack and become ornery towards his fellow patrons at a bar in Iowa City this past weekend. Good thinking Kyle. Then again, he did go to Purdue, where "they dint have no purty womens," so he probably just didn't know how to act at a college campus with women who don't have to wear pants with elastic waistbands to bars.