"Nice Boys Don't Play Rock & Roll"

It's Hair Band Friday and I'm loose as a goose. I guess bonging Jack at 7:30 in the morning will do that to you. As I write this, my CD player is blasting out Bon Jovi's seminal "Slippery When Wet," G 'N' F'N' R's second album, "G 'N R Lies," and AC/DC's underrated "Powerage." It's not quite as wild as it was last week in here, but I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't banged at least two sets of triplets this morning. At once. And we had to take Vince to the hospital because he temporarily lost his sight after he took a shitload of speed and tried to review 1000 documents in an hour. That dude's crazy.

So the Astros won last night in what will hopefully be the last game in that lump of architectural dung called Busch Stadium. Roy Oswalt dominated the Cardinals to help the 'Stros even the series at 1-1. The Sox play tonight, and I'm not even going to touch the whole AJ Pierzynski/Doug Eddings/Josh Paul situation, except to say that if Paul didn't hear Eddings say "out," he should have tagged Pierzynski just in case, AJ made a heads-up play, and Eddings should change his third-strike mechanic from now on in order to avoid any confusion. Most of all, everyone needs to quit dwelling on it, since there are still a possible 5 more games in this series. Hopefully the Sox will win the next 3 and "the call" will be less of an issue. The Sox have historically played poorly in Anaheim's theme-park-themed excuse for a baseball stadium, but this year the Sox had the best road record in the majors. Something's gotta give. Go Go Sox!! Gut that monkey with a butterfly knife!!

The weekend is shaping up to be somewhat low-key, but a good time. Tonight, my lovely wife Jessie and I will be heading to "NaviKate" Rohrer's company's 10th anniversary party. It should be a gala event, with free food and free booze--a welcome, but lethal, combination. Marc "Mr. 1000" Wiescinski and John "Hamburger Helper" Ashcraft are coming up from Cincy for the festivities, and in doing so, increased the likelihood of me doing Jager Bombs tenfold. Again, welcome, but lethal.

IU plays at Iowa tomorrow. It should be interesting to see if the Hoosiers can play with the Hawkeyes in Iowa City. Blake "Danger" Powers has certainly been impressive at home, but needs to step it up on the road. All we need to do is go 2-4 in order for that elusive Motor City Bowl berth. Vroom vroom, muthatruckas!!

In other college football news, I hope USC drops 60 on Notre Dame. I'm sure I'm not the only one who hates Notre Dame more than AIDS, and I'm also sure I'm not the only one finds Notre Dame fans more annoying than Kathy Griffin. There are a couple Domers in my office, and they honestly think ND might blow USC out. This kind of idiocy is typical of ND fans, who usually think their team is MUCH better than it actually is. Apparently they don't understand how ridiculous USC's offense is. They average 640.4 yards per game. That's only a couple yards a game off the record set by the mind-numbing 1989 Houston Cougars' offense led by Heisman-winning QB Andre Ware and WR Manny Hazard (142 fucking receptions and 22 TDs) that once dropped 95 points on a post-death-penalty SMU team that I can only assume was comprised of one-legged, overweight, blind, deaf kids with Down Syndrome (too far?). Speaking of too far, what did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her? Put doorknobs on the walls and a plunger in the toilet. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Because her dog was blind too. Why was Helen Keller's face burnt? Because she answered the iron (this one seems to be off, since Helen Keller was both blind and deaf and thus, would not have heard said phone ringing). I do like how her Wikipedia bio describes a young Helen as "spoiled" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller). I certainly can't think of a more accurate description for a blind, deaf six-year-old. But I digress. Combine USC's offense with ND's passing defense (ranked 116th out of 119 in D-1), which is penetrated more frequently and forcefully than a pre-marriage Jenna Jameson at a cock party (if such parties exist and involve frequent and forceful penetration), and I'm looking for a 20+ point USC win.

On a final note, if you're going to a moving picture show this weekend, consider "Domino," the story of a hot young lesbian bounty hunter with nothing to lose and everything to prove, or "The Fog," a scare-a-minute thrill ride with banshees and such. Avid GMYH reader and former member of both the Beans and the Pythons, Greg "Weez" Veeser, had a hand in the production of both films, as an Editorial Assistant and Assistant to the Director, respectively.