"Metal Health Will Drive You Mad"

It's Friday, and we all know what that means in my office: Hair Band Friday. Last night got pretty wild for a school night, so I'm still a bit ripped today. Tico and I were taking shots of SoCo like our last name was Joplin, and we were hanging out with these twins who were big fans of some of the motions we've filed. Unlike a lot of guys in this business, I didn't become a lawyer for the fame and money. When I started out, I was just writing motions for the love of writing motions. I never dreamed it would take me this far, and you know, as long as there are people out there who want to read the well-organized, succinct, and amazingly persuasive arguments I put on paper, I'll keep layin' 'em down. Currently I'm listening to 3 mix CDs I made for the legendary Hair Band Party back in aught-two at 503 N. Grant (aka the Ded Relm--yes, that's how it's spelled) in B-town. The only memories anyone has from that party are in picture form, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the last 3 songs blasting out of my CD player have been totally killer: Jackyl's fun-lovin' "Down On Me," Quiet Riot's fist-poundin' "Bang Your Head," and Slaughter's thought-provokin' "Fly to the Angels." Rock on. I just hope I can make it through the day without sobering up. Lord knows I can't perform when I'm sober and I have a big motion to write today.

So this weekend is looking like it will be a good one. Tonight will be low-key. Jester and I will probably just chill with the dog, and maybe watch a movie or just simply dance. Tomorrow morning, 'round about 6:30, Holt "The Pickles" Hedrick, Ian "Can't Stop Peein'" Taronji (a co-worker of mine and Holt's), and I will be heading over to Bloomington for the IU/Ohio State game. Ian went to Michigan, so this game will provide him the chance to root against his archrival in a much nicer setting than Ann Arbor or Columbus. As usual, this is the only biennial sellout for the Hoosiers, since OSU brings about 10-15,000 of their hideously obnoxious fans. If I told you that there's a fan base in the Big Ten with less class than Ohio State fans, I'd be blowing smoke up your ass, which is really a mutually non-beneficial exercise. For the most part, OSU fans are complete jackasses. There are obviously exceptions, but overall, these people are idiots -- the "purple stuff" to the rest of the Big Ten fans' Sunny D. I would like nothing more for Terry Hoeppner to lead the Hoosiers to their first victory over the Buckeyes since 1988, not only because it would put IU only a game away from their first bowl birth in 12 years, but also for the delightful possibility of holding that over the heads of everyone in my office for the next year ("Oh yeah, sure, I'd love to write that memo for you, and I would do it -- I really would -- but apparently your memory is smaller than your dick because you seem to have forgotten that my Hoosiers beat your Buckeyes. Booyah!!").

So then after the game, we're driving back, and then I'm heading down to Cincinnati, a city once nicknamed Porkopolis (seriously), to Marc "Mr. 1000" Wiescinski's new hizouse. Also coming down will be Jessie, Kate "Like a Lion's" Rohrer, Jenn "Still a Rookie" Weisgerber, and Harley "The Dog Who Cried Wolf" LeMar. I think I'll probably drink a beer while watching Game 1 of my dream World Series. Then on Sunday, the Bungles are playing the Steelers, and Kate's a big Steelers fan, so we're all going to go to a bar down there Sunday to watch some football. I just hope Kate doesn't get us maimed (like Buckeye fans, Bengals fans are generally extremely intelligent, well-spoken people when it comes to their love for their team). And I also hope we go to a bar that also shows the Bear/Ravens game, which is likely to end with a final score of 6-3 or 3-2.

Last night, Shocktober continued as Kim "Possible" Byrum and Casey "Did I Say I Wanted Extra" Mayo had several of us over for movie night. The list of attendees read like a who's who of Kim's non-work friends that live in Dayton, Kettering, and Springboro: Jamie "It Was Clear Black Night" Belanger, Amy "Just Hit the East Side of the LBC" Belanger, AC, Holt "These Hookers Lookin' So Hard They Straight Hit the Curb" Hedrick, Kate "So I Hooks a Left on 21 and Lewis" Rohrer, and myself. We watched the movie that showed the world the softer side of Cabrini Green, "Candyman." I had never seen it before. Honestly, it seemed to me like the Candyman himself was a misunderstood romantic more than anything else -- an artist who longed to make the world remember his work. Spilling the blood of innocents was merely a necessary stumbling block in his quest for love and recognition. Personally, I think the director really did a good job of making the viewer empathize with Candyman's plight. The director also did a good job of making sure that female breasts did not go unnoticed, whether it was Virginia Madsen's bountiful bosom covered with a dog-blood-soaked bra, Madsen gratuitously taking a bath, or that non-bra-wearing student Trevor was banging after Helen went crazy. All in all, I give it 5 Hands Up.


Damn, I almost forgot. So Jamie works with a guy named Tapan Buch (last named pronounced like a synonym for shrubbery or a certain brand of low-brow beer). While Jamie did not realize the extreme hilarity in this guy's name, Amy immediately picked up on it an could not contain her excitement, thus telling all of us. Surprisingly, Tapan is the business world and not the adult film industry, even though his actual name is undoubtedly better than any fake porn name he could dream up. My only hope is that this guy names his kids Shayvan, Trimin, Kockan, Dicken, Munchan, Phistin, or Luvtueet, but not Stankyass, Yeestee, Smellee, Punchan, or Harry, and certainly not George W. Have a pleasant weekend.