"I'm Your Ice Cream Man, Stop Me When I'm Passin' By"

It's Hair Band Friday once again here in my office. G 'N' F'N' R's shit-kickin' debut "Appetite for Destruction," Def Leppard's underrated sophomore release "High 'N' Dry," and Van Halen's eponymous debut are currently blaring from my speakers. There's a lot of energy floating around today. The booze is flowing like the Mississipp' and the groupies are out of control. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here. Mothers and daughters performing sex acts on each other just because I dictated a letter to opposing counsel. One of several girls named Amber came up to me and said, "If you keep reviewing documents like that, I'm going to leave a wet spot on your Black's Law Dictionary." I don't even know what that means. This girl named Jade approached me with an odd request: "Edit that motion to exclude with a red pen while I simultaneously pleasure and choke myself with my pet boa." Rather than ask why, I took out my red pen and started rearranging some arguments. Another tawdry little number named Candi just came up to me and said, "The way you move your fingers when you type memos is so fucking hot. Is the space under your desk being used?" It most certainly is not. Hey, I'm just doin' what I'm doin', workin' my heart out every day. And if even just one kid out there looks at what I'm doin' and says, "Hey, I wanna be a lawyer," then everything and everyone I've ever done has been worth it.

Well, the weather has officially changed from fun and saucy to cold and disturbed. I had to wear a jacket for my walk to work this morning, as it was 52 degrees and drizzling. What that means here in Dayton is that I will see the sun approximately 7-10 times from now until April. I guess that'll happen when God shits on your city.

I'm heading to Bloomington this weekend for Homecoming, which is always sunny and always a good time. The Hoosiers will be taking on the Fighting Illini, or as a guy in my office calls them, the Fighting Vagini (haha--get it? Vagini). A win takes the Hoosiers to 4-1, which means that we would need only 2 more victories for that Motor City Bowl birth I have been creaming over for the past 11 years. I would love for IU to win by at least 3 TDs. We haven't blown out a Big Ten team since the nearly successful Antwaan Randle El led the Hoosiers to a 56-21 throat-stomping of Northwestern on 11/3/01. I'd pay at least another $5 to see a 63-0 IU win.

Homecoming also guarantees that I'll see a ton of people I haven't seen in years. This is a good thing at IU, unlike when you see people you went to high school with who you really don't want to talk to, but you do anyway, resulting in an extremely awkward conversation ("So, what are you up to these days?" "Nothing much, just working at Osco. I'm up to assistant night manager. Still living with my folks, but I'm thinking about gettin' my own place here pretty soon. What about you?" "Uh, I'm a lawyer." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, it's alright." "Remember that one time in Mr. Larson's class when Jim Munoz tipped over in his desk because he was stoned?" "No.").

Meanwhile in Bean Town, the White Sox are going for the sweep tonight. Again, as a White Sox fan, I won't be convinced until they are ahead with 3 outs in the bottom of the 9th, especially considering Boston's recent come-from-behind playoff success. It would be nice, though, for the White Sox to win a playoff series for the first time since the Wilson Administration (for those of you that went to Purdue and "dint have no his-tree clayses," that's Woodrow Wilson, who was our nation's 28th President, holding office from 1913-1921). As for the Astros, they head back to H-Town for 2 games at the Astrodome, er I mean Enron Field, er I mean Minute Maid Park, tied 1-1 with the Braves. While I'd obviously rather have them up 2-0, I'll take 1-1.

What the shit is that, you ask? It was found in the Everglades a couple weeks ago. It's the carcass of a 6-foot gator busting out of the mid-section of a 13-foot Burmese python, which "tried to swallow the gator whole and literally exploded -- killing both animals." The article also said that the gator might have pawed at the snake's stomach as the snake tried to swallow it. There's 2 ways to look at this: (1) That's a badass snake, full of the same blind ambition that allows the porn industry to succeed, or (2) How weak/dumb of an alligator do you have to be to get eaten alive by a python? And how the fuck did a python make it to Florida all the way from Burma (or Myanmar, depending on whether you are in cahoots with General Than Shwe and the military junta)?

For a little humor heading into your weekend, Mike "Obi" Malangoni sent me this link that analyzes the 10 worst album covers of all-time: http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=13236. To pique your interest, I've put my 2 favorite below. Enjoy.