"Out On The Streets, That's Where We'll Meet"

As usual, Hair Band Friday is kickin' ass and smokin' grass. The last three songs pumping from the boombox were classics: "Livin' After Midnight" by Judas Priest, "Round and Round" by Ratt, and "Don't Cry" (original version) by G 'N F'n R. What better way to celebrate a dominating performance writing interrogatories and document requests than with the 3rd Annual HBF Christmas Party. The mounds of snow outside are no match the mounds of snow inside, if you catch my drift. For today, the two stripper poles in here are ever-so-cheekily named the North Pole and the South Pole. If you go to the North Pole, Mrs. Claus is there to cook you up an open-faced tuna sandwich, and if you go to the South Pole, some chick dressed up like a penguin is there to make you stand on her feet "until you are mature enough to brave the brisk Antarctic tundra by yourself." I don't get it either.

I'd love to talk more in-depth about The OC, which RULES, but I have more important things to talk about. Nonetheless, a quick character-by-character recap is in order. Seth: still sarcastic. Ryan: even though he went to a strip club with Matt, still able to punch through your chest without even moving his arm. Matt: hair looks convincingly like that of Patrick Bateman, and hopefully his demeanor and tendencies will soon follow suit. Dean Hess: still just chugging cock off-screen like it's going out of style (at least 48 a day). Johnny: still refuses to get a haircut. Marissa: 15. That's the number of episodes it's been since we've seen her eat. Summer: apparently finding out that she's a genius means that she has to dress like a 15th Century Flemish peasant. Sandy: still has unruly eyebrows. Kirsten: still waiting to fall off the wagon in grandiose fashion. Julie: still waiting for her to be forced to make stag flicks to get out of the trailer park.

Now, onto more pressing issues. Starting at about 3:30 or 4 yesterday afternoon, it began to snow pretty solidly. By 7 or 8, we had a good 3-4 inches, and I'd say the total snowfall was around 5-6 inches. I swear to God, Dayton turns into a retard factory (or, I'm sorry, a specially educated factory) whenever it snows. It's as if no one in this city has ever seen snow before. Traffic jams occur in places where there is normally no traffic. Schools close. Workplaces shut down early to allow their employees to get home safely. Cars race along at 5-7 mph. Beginning at about 4 p.m., a constant ticker runs at the bottom of every local network affiliate for the whole night, detailing the closings at schools, churches, day care centers, libraries, soup kitchens (because homeless people have TVs), health clubs, comedy clubs, restaurants, bars, brothels, and hospitals. We live in the Midwest, people, where it has snowed at least once a year for the past 4.57 billion years.

Besides the general inability of Daytonians to cope with snow or the prospect of snow, it appears that the City of Dayton is wholly unprepared for even the slightest possibility of snow. We get 6 inches of snow and not one street downtown was plowed. Last night, Jessie and I saw at least 8 snowplows driving down snow-filled streets without their plows down. What the fuck? And God forbid a sidewalk gets shoveled. About 75% of my walk to work was through unshoveled sidewalks. I kid you not, the geniuses who own one of the parking lots on the way actually plowed all of the snow from the lot onto the sidewalk. So now, instead of the clear, shoveled sidewalks you might expect to see in such Midwestern cities as Peoria, Gary, Cedar Rapids, Duluth, Flint, Eau Claire, East St. Louis, or Terre Haute, there are three huge snow mounds that prevent anyone from using a 30-foot stretch of sidewalk in downtown Dayton, not only right now, but for many months to come (because we all know that any future snowfall will be again be plowed to the same spot, making it an impenetrable wall of firmly packed snow and ice that should finally melt just in time for next year's first snowfall).

Maybe there are some odds in Vegas (my guess is somewhere around 846 million to one) that it won't snow each year, and the City is betting their snow removal budget on it every year. It hasn't paid off yet, but boy when it does, the gilded streets will be plowed every single day regardless of snowfall so that everyone's hovercraft will glide along seemlessly, polygamy will replace the soon-to-be outdated notion of monogamy, all previously paid taxes will be refunded with interest, the bums will give you money, the many ghettos will be replaced with Las Vegas, the new mayor (a revived and fully functional Orville Wright) will sign into law the revolutionary Anti-Poverty Bill, the hookers will pay you to have sex with them in Dayton's new Bizarro Bordello District, the Dayton Steelers and Dayton Bears will battle every year in the newly renamed Dayton Bowl, and the rivers will run red with the blood of 1,000 Englishmen.

If you're bored on this fine December afternoon, try your hand at this game. My best is 16.981 seconds. Yeh, I expect you to beat that on your first try. Have a great weekend and fuck Kentucky.