Mispronounced Words

Maybe I'm anal when it comes to word pronunciation, but there are few things that chap my ass more than when someone who is allegedly highly educated consistently mispronounces a commonly used word. It's cute and all when you're 4 and you say "pisketti" instead of "spaghetti." But it's a whole different story when you're 40. There's a lawyer in my office who consistently puts a "t" in the middle of the word "else," thus pronouncing it "eltse." It takes every ounce of restraint I have to not yell, "There's no fucking 't' in the word 'else,'" and then smack him in the teeth with Webster's (unabridged, just in case).

In addition to "eltse," here are some of my most hated mispronunciations:

1. "Supposably" - Nothing quite turns an otherwise respectable person into a complete sped like when they say "supposably" instead of "supposedly." It's almost as funny as Sister Act 2. Almost.
2. "Pacific" - Most 3rd graders can tell you that Pacific refers to one of the world's five oceans. It is not a synonym for "particular."
3. "Liberry" - It's actually called a library, which is a building that houses plenty of books on how to pronounce words correctly. It's not some sort of berry made of lies.
4. "Pitcher" - As many of you know, a pitcher is someone on a baseball team or something you use to store and pour liquids. As some of you may not know, a pitcher is not something you hang on your wall or something you take with a camera.
5. "Acrossed" - Despite what Lyons Township High School football coach "Captain Jack" Derning may think, there is no such word. Wide receiver Bobby Moore didn't run acrossed the field to score a touchdown when you were supposed to be guarding him in the 1971 East-West Shrine game, thus ruining any hopes at a pro football career. Ahmad Rashad ran across the field to score a touchdown, exposing a slow, white linebacker from Northwestern with bad knees. Similarly, you don't go acrossed the street to get your GED. You go across the street to get your college degree.
6. "Illinoiz" - For those of you from New Jersey or the undereducated South, there is only one state of Illinois (not several, as your pronunciation would imply). The "s" at the end of the word is silent. What this means is that the correct pronunciation is "Illinoy." The only time that the "Illinoy" sound should be followed with an "s" sound is when you are (1) referring to the plural of Illinois (i.e., "I wish there were more states like that. We could really use more Illinoises"), or (2) referring to the possessive of Illinois (i.e., "The University of Illinois's lack of NCAA basketball championship banners is surprising, given the fact that their fanbase seems to think that they are the greatest basketball program in the history of the world.")
7. "Warsh" or "Warshington" - I've never understood when or why an "r" was placed in the middle of the word "wash." And George Washington has to roll in his grave everytime someone screws up his name. He was only our first president. And it's only the name of our capital. Frankly, I blame America's teachers. Speaking of which...
8. "Faltse" - My 8th grade science teacher (who I'm positive molested children and all manner of domesticated animal, fish included) always put a "t" in the middle of the word "false." Unfortunately we never had a test question that read "True or False: The correct pronunciation of 'false' is 'faltz'." Fucking Niccum. When he gets to hell, I hope Satan (1) makes him a eunuch and (2) whenever he says "faltse," he gets strapped to a chair full of upward-facing rusty tacks, his eyelids are held open and some sort of imp squirts lemon juice into his eyes while he is forced to watch Hitler, Stalin, Slobodan Milošević, and Jesse Helms (he'll be dead by June) perform a lengthy, all-nude rendition of Cats. None of them are very good singers or dancers.