Tuesday's Random Thoughts

• The Utah Supreme Court missed a huge opportunity to increase the state's tourism and population, and the interest/enrollement in Mormonism. Frankly, I would have liked to visit Swinging Utah, as it would have been called in national tourism ads.
  "Ski by day. Swing by night. All it takes a one-way flight. Experience Swinging Utah."
  "Wife got you down? Just get another one. A whole world of possibility awaits you in Swinging Utah."
  "Jane is your best friend, but ugly as sin. Tara is your fuck buddy, but she can barely put together a sentence. Can't figure out which one to court? You can have them both, here in Swinging Utah."
  "You've been married to the same woman for 30 years, your mid-life crisis has got you down, and 19-year-olds have never looked so good. Build a trophy case in Swinging Utah."
• Yesterday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park in Amsterdam, a couple sloth bears chased down, mauled, and ate a Barbary macaque monkey in front of horrified zoo visitors who were most likely stoned out of their clog-wearing minds. The monkeys and bears had apparently co-existed peacefully up until this point, when the monkey must have done something to piss the bears off. In trying to escape, it ran into an electrical fence. Researchers are now more than 99% certain of the species of monkey from which Kevin Federline evolved. Thanks to Greg Weeser* for sending the link.
• Which brings me to my next point: Do you think the Ewoks had hookers?
• I totally forgot to tell you about another weird dream I had a few nights ago. I was walking around my hometown when I came across this house a couple blocks from me (for those of you from the LG, it's that big house at the corner of Waiola and Maple) that Bob Dylan had apparently bought. Yes, the Bob Dylan. In addition to the house being his residence, he added a recording studio, a restaurant, and a coffee shop/discoteque (because he couldn't sell booze in the disco). In the dream, it made perfect sense that he could serve coffee but not alcohol at his discoteque--it also didn't seem weird that Bob Dylan would own and run a discoteque on a residential street in suburban Chicago.
  
  Luckily, as I was walking past the house (feeling somewhat upset that it wasn't zoned for alcohol sales), Madonna and Sharon Stone were walking out of the restaurant together. They had apparently moved just down the street where they had bought a house together. Guy Ritchie was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, Madonna and Sharon were quite nice. They were also upset that there was no booze at the new Dylan Disco, so they invited me over to their place for some drinking. We drank, chatted about various current events and possible mates for Sharon, and thankfully did not practice any Kabala. There was no sexual tension or undue pressure from Madonna to strike a pose. It was a very pleasant experience. I hope to do it again some day.
• Last night I watched some National Geographic Channel specials about the Freemasons and the Knights Templar. There's some crazy shit going on with those two groups. You don't believe me? Well then why is the White House at the tip of a giant pentagram made of DC streets? Oh, that would be because DC was designed by some French Freemason named L'Enfant, who was working under the watchful eye and orders of some other Freemason who went by the name of George fucking Washington. I'm not even kidding. Look it up. These people rule the world and we don't even know it.
• I can't remember who I was having this conversation with in the past few days, but I said that the NBA was fixed and he asked me why I thought that. Well, here you go:
  
  Since the 76ers captured the 1983 title, there have been only 6 NBA teams that have won championships: Boston ('84, '86), LA Lakers ('85, '87, '88, '00-'02), Detroit ('89, '90, '04), Chicago ('91-'93, '96-'98), Houston ('94, '95), and San Antonio ('99, '03, '05). Of those teams, the Celtics are the only one that resides in a city outside the 11 biggest US cities (Boston is the 24th biggest city according to the 2000 Census). However, the Celtics are one of the all-time great NBA franchises and have a fanbase (and marketing appeal) much larger than just the Boston area. Hence, my theory is that the NBA makes sure that at least one large-market team is in the finals each year so that TV ratings are boosted. And a large-market team wins each year because that means more people will be buying their merchandise.
  
  Not since the Syracuse Nationals held off the Ft. Wayne Pistons for the 1955 title has there been two teams in the finals from cities outside the 25 biggest cities in the US. This year should be no different. Of the 8 teams left, 6 are within the Top 11 largest: Dallas (#9), Detroit (#11), LA Clippers (#2), New Jersey (which plays in East Rutherford, which is less than 10 miles from New York, which is #1), Phoenix (#6), and San Antonio (#8). Only Cleveland and Miami are not (they're not even in the Top 25), but both of those teams have huge stars (LeBron and Shaq/Wade) that will fill the NBA merchandise pockets. It's all a fucking ruse. And if Miami or Cleveland does make it to the finals, don't be surprised when a team from the Western Conference beats them. But not in 4 games. That's an NBA finals no-no.
• Just a reminder, the first installment of Midwestern Eavesdropping is coming up this Thursday. If you have eavesdropped on a hilarious conversation, send me said conversation at gmyhblog@yahoo.com, along with where you head it, a description of the conversants, and an eavesdropping nickname you would like to be known as.