The Hot Sundae to which she is referring is NOT the dynamic trio of Kelly Kapowski, Jessica Myrtle Spano, and Lisa Turtle that nearly broke through with their hit "Put Your Mind to It (Break a Sweat)" (the link is to the video, which is awesome) -- lyrics and music by Zachery Morris, as Laura pointed out -- an uplifting song about getting out there and putting your mind to it (whatever "it" may be), going for it, getting down, breaking a sweat, rocking, rolling, and telling the world "you ain't seen nothin' yet." Had Spano kept her hand out of the pill bottle, Hot Sundae could have been the worldwide sensation that they were so goddamn capable of becoming.
Sadly, perhaps because of the original Hot Sundae's failure to make it, a new and less exciting Hot Sundae has reared it's ugly head. This one, however, is not comprised of two hot chicks and a pill popper from Bayside. Rather, this Hot Sundae is comprised of 5 DUDES from -- HNHS grads (go Vikes, by the way), you're gonna love this -- Huntington University in Huntington, Indiana (mere miles from where my lovely wife Jesterio went to high school).
What self-respecting straight males name their band Hot Sundae? A simple visit to their website helped shed some light on the subject.
I like to be presented with hideously easy targets, so you can imagine how hard it was to contain myself when I went to their website to find this statement of purpose on their homepage:
"A band with a purpose, Hot Sundae seeks to connect with all audiences through high energy originals and popular covers that everyone loves. Beyond the music, Hot Sundae loves to share what they're all about, following Christ. Through a combination of cutting edge music and quality relationships, Hot Sundae aims to meet the musical needs of groups pursuing their spiritual needs."Sometimes it's too easy. It's as if God himself put this band on Earth just for our amusement. But for the sake of comedy, let's dissect their statement:
"A band with a purpose" This implies that other bands do not have a purpose. However, the last time I checked, most, if not all, bands are formed and continue to exist for the purpose of playing music.
"Hot Sundae seeks to connect with all audiences through high energy originals and popular covers that everyone loves." (emphasis added) That must mean that, aside from various gigs in Huntington, Indiana, they probably play Compton, Spanish Harlem, and a variety of Wiccan festivals with regularity. After all, they do seek to connect with all audiences. As far as their "high energy originals," frankly I didn't hear anything energizing on their website. Maybe they save their thrash metal or ecstacy-induced turbo techno for their live shows (where chicks are so fucking worked up and moist they almost break into dance). When it comes to cover songs, they only play popular covers that everyone loves. This statement is even more idiotic than their statement about seeking to connect with all audiences, unless of course their only cover song is "Put Your Mind to It (Break a Sweat)" by the original Hot Sundae. There's not a soul on Earth who is capable of not loving that song.
"Beyond the music, Hot Sundae loves to share what they're all about, following Christ." Being a stickler for grammer, I think they meant to have a colon instead of that second comma (unless they simply meant that they love to share what they're all about while following Christ around, in which case, the comma was proper, although someone should inform them that Christ has been dead for at least 100 years). Aside from Huntington University's lagging English education, this statement is yet another unbelievable overstatement. First off, we know that following Christ is not what they're all about. For Christ's sake, they're in a band, which means that they are at least in part about music (as discussed above in their "purpose"). Their lies are further exposed in their individual bios (discussed in detail below), where they unabashedly admit to being about things other than Christ. And if they are so into Jesus, why wouldn't they name the band Hot Sunday instead of Hot Sundae? It's clever, less blatantly homosexual, doesn't rip off SBTB, and relates to JC more so than the image of ice cream.
"Through a combination of cutting edge music and quality relationships" Again, this "cutting edge" thing is a bit of an overstatement. They're pretty much the same "screamo" Blink 182/Lit rip-offs that have plagued the music business for the past 5-6 years, but with a hankering for JC. The "quality relationships" claim is more of a mystery to me than anything else. I have yet to find any factual evidence to substantiate this claim.
"Hot Sundae aims to meet the musical needs of groups pursuing their spiritual needs." Even Satanists?
What kind of man allows himself to be in a band called Hot Sundae, you ask? Well, I asked the same question, and because the Lord likes to humor me, he commanded these five of his servants to put bio pages on their website. It turns out that, despite their band's name, none of the band members themselves are gay. Why don't we take a further look into who makes Hot Sundae just so damn lovable?
Amos "Q-Tip" Caley - Vocals/Piano
Despite what the picture may lead you to believe, Amos does not always stick his thumb into his poopchute for a cheap thrill when the camera is pointed his way. And why he's wearing a Notre Dame shirt is baffling, since he went to Huntington University and is from Grand Rapids. He has a wife, which isn't very "rock 'n' roll," if you ask me. He says that he gets "paid to hang out with kids and go to their sporting events and teach them about Jesus." That seems borderline illegal, and also, not very "rock 'n' roll," but then again, that's what people said about Gary Glitter. While most rock stars become addicted to cool things like Jack, heroin, coke, fucking nameless groupies in the shower night after night, etc., Amos admits that he has but one addiction: "using Q-Tips." Not those store-bought generic brands -- he's talkin' 'bout the real deal! At least we can assume he has clean ears, if not a clean thumb.Jeff "Amsterdam" Edgel - Guitar
As the picture shows, Jeff is kind of the "wildman" of the group. Perhaps unmarried and apparently well-traveled (just look at his shirt), Jeff describes working at Huntington University as the "real world." Always a jokester, he says, "The 'real world' isn't such a bad place after all." This statement is quite telling, considering Huntington has only one movie theater and even fewer minorities. And ladies, he's also a bit of a sweetheart, admitting that at 24, his voice still cracks, but it'll be a cold day in hell before he lets that get him down. For Christ's sake, he's in a Christian rock band. If that's not enough to make him happy, then I don't know what would. Probably a hooker wearing a below-the-knee dress.Kyle "Chrippie"* Brenneman - Bass
Despite what his shirt implies, Kyle is older than 16. Kyle's mop haircut has caused quite a stir with the little ladies of Huntington (but not with their fathers!). Not to mention his necklace, which many at conservative HU thought might be some sort of badge of homosexuality. But it's not all about misleading t-shirts, unkempt hair, and gay necklaces for Kyle. After listing Jimi Hendrix, Phil Keaggy, and Victor Wooten as some of his influences, he admits that he "wouldn't be anywhere musically, though, without the influences from back home." Yes, I think we would all be worse off without the many musical talents that have emerged from Spencerville, Ohio.*"Chrippie" is a word I just made up for a hippie who abstains from mind-altering substances, takes regular showers, votes Republican, and who follows Jesus around instead of Jerry (if either were alive). Clearly Kyle is a dirty fucking Chrippie.
Micah "Don't Call Me Jared" Beckwith - Drums
The ladies man of the group, Micah has more Bible studies with random hot chicks than anyone else in the band. His coy looks and girlish figure are owed in significant part to the fact that he frequents the lone Subway located in Huntington. After all, no morally upstanding girl wants to be courted, treated nicely, and not fucked in the ass until marriage by an overweight suitor. He lists as an influence "Dell Pakston," a horribly weak attempt at harkening the fictional Dell Paxton, who was Wonders' (or Oneders') drummer Guy Patterson's hero in the 1996 Thomas Everett Scott-Steve Zahn vehicle, That Thing You Do! While he lists his love of water skiing, snow skiing, wakeboarding, snowboarding, and playing golf as "little known facts" about him, he forgot to mention breaking hearts. Wait a minute, everyone knows that! Oh Micah, you are the living end!Zac "Black Diamond" Hill - Guitar
Unlike the others, Zac is well into his 40s and lives in "the big city" (Ft. Wayne) with his wife Amanda, who is probably not a stripper. Only through his virtuosic guitar playing has the rest of the group been able to overcome the fact that he is not a member of the Church of the United Brethren in Christ, but rather, gulp, a Methodist. Or maybe it was an Episcopalian. Or a Presbyterian. Shit, I don't know. Those Protestants are all the same. No matter what you call 'em, they're all going to hell anyway. Not wanting to be confused with the original Hot Sundae's manager, Zac dropped the "k" off the end of his name a couple years ago. "I didn't want to be associated with that devil-worshipping, voodoo music," he once told no one. He dares you to "Believe it or not" that he had never snow skied until he was a freshman in college. I believe it.So there you have it. Hot fucking Sundae. Despite their gay name (and I mean "gay" in both the American sense and the Ozzie Guillen Venezuelan sense) and their discernible lack of resemblance to the real, original Hot Sundae, it seems that these five guys from Northeast Indiana just might make it. By "make it" I mean "predictably not make it." Nonetheless, not since, well, anyone has a band come out of Huntington. Look for them at a church fair or fete near you. And whatever you do, just remember that it's alright to laugh when Jeff's voice cracks! Rock on guys!
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5 comments:
Perfect. I love this man.
It should also be noted that he was wise enough not to ask how and why I came across the God-loving, Nick-Lachey-emulating Hot Sundae site in the first place. Such a question could only lead to an answer. I don't think anyone wants that.
Ah. Who knew that degree in Rock 'n Roll would pay off so hansomely.
And who knew that degree from NYU would pay off so handsomely.
And "It," I have a strict "don't ask don't tell" policy in these kind of situations. Plus, I just assumed you were trying to find out if the real Hot Sundae had regrouped, put their mind to it, etc. for another stab at success in the music world. There is nothing wrong with that.
Um. Sure. Let's go with that.
And, not unlike our friends in Hot Sundae, I'm going to pray (oh, I pray) on sufficiently bended knee that you post Q-Tip's email... and not notice that I pulled the above parenthetical emphasis directly from a 98 Degrees song.
Only with his permission (and yes, I have asked--just awaiting a reply).
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