Midwestern Eavesdropping - 7/6/06

Thanks for the great response and submissions this week. Enjoy:

Art Director for a large Advertising/Promotions agency: "Let me tell you one thing: being on fire fucking sucks."
--Chicago, Central Bar, 3446 N. Clark
Eavesdropper: RDC

Blinged-out black woman on a nearly empty L train singing softly to appease the wailing of her infant daughter in the presence of her 6 or 7 year old son: "I love my bitch . . . I love my bitch . . . I love my bitch . . . I love my bitch."
--Chicago, Red Line train
Eavesdropper: RobD

Twentysomething, somewhat nerdy looking guy: "I don't believe in science or God."
--Chicago, Clark & Wrightwood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk Guy (obviously somewhat aggravated with his friend): "Come on man, everyone else is outside already. Close your tab or whatever you need to do and let's go!"
Completely Wasted Guy: "Ok. I just have to get this girl's number before she sobers up and knows who I am."
--Cincinnati, "somewhere on a hillside"
Eavesdropper: NaviKate

Door guy at bar: "I need to see your ID, please."
Crazy patron obviously on some form of illegal substance: "Here." [shoves wallet in door guy’s face]
DG: "Sir, can you please take it out of your wallet?"
CP: "Here." [Shows ID again but will not let go of the ID]
DG: "Sir, I need to be able to see it."
CP: "No, I'm not going to let go of it. This is my property. Do you know what people do for identity theft? There is light above me, that could be a camera."
CP's friend: "Let's go, it's not worth it."
DG: "I am just trying to do my job. You are being rude and that is not a good way to try to get into this place."
Manager: "What's going on? Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside." [Attempts to escort CP out]
CP: "Don't you touch me. "
[Outside of the night club, CP harasses other people outside while security assembles around him. CP keeps getting into people's faces and screaming obnoxious things at them. One of the security guards (who happens to be Asian) tries to maintain the situation all the meanwhile having CP scream, "I know you, you, Chun Li. Try and get me, Chun Li." CP spots someone who was on a dance reality show. ]
CP: "You, there, I can fade you. I'm a better dancer than you. You ain't shit."
Dancer: "Mmm, hmm, sure." [Smiling the whole time CP is up in his face] "Okay, okay."
[CP starts to walk away, flicking everyone off in the general vicinity. Something erupts and he comes racing back, slams down his bag and takes off his shirt.]
CP: "I know all of you, I'm looking at all of you in the eye and seeing you ain't shit. You, Chun Li, You, dancer, I know you."
[Everyone in the area unsuccessfully controls their laughter. CP's friend finally convinces him to go across the street to another bar.]
CP comes back about a half hour later and steps up to the dancer: "Hey, man, you are really one of the best dancers I have ever seen. You can dance."
[CP finally gets his ass into a cab while his friend comes into the club and apologizes profusely to everyone.]
--Chicago, Funky Buddha Lounge, 728 W. Grand
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Petite blonde yelling into cell phone: "My mom? I told you, it's Barb . . . No . . . no . . . no! No bleachers and no Barb! Just alcohol and going out! . . . Allergic my ass!"
--Chicago, Clark and Monroe
Eavesdropper: RobD

2 guys who I pray are studying for the bar exam:
Guy 1: "Hey man, do you wanna go do some essays?"
Guy 2: "FUCK YEAH!"
--Chicago, Clinton & Adams
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Three seemingly well-off, floppy haired twenty-somethings lounging around a pool on the Fourth of July, speaking loud enough for everyone within a thirty-foot radius to hear them, including three girls I can only assume were their girlfriends:
Floppy 1: "Man, you know that one STD test where they take the Q-tip and stick it about this far [gesturing about an inch and a half with his fingers] up the end of your penis?"
Floppy 2: "Yep. "
Floppy 1: "Yeah dude, well that one really sucks. Bigtime."
Floppy 2: "Yep."
--Atlanta, some pool (I know it's technically not the Midwest, but Holt's from the Midwest, so I let it slide)
Eavesdropper: Holt

Flamboyantly gay host 1: "Don't try to start shit with me. I know where you live."
Flamboyantly gay host 2: "You don’t know where I live."
FB1: "Yes, I do. I came up to your crib where you had the little old Weber grill in your front yard. I brought you some macaroni and cheese and some mustard potato salad.
FB2: "It wasn't a Weber."
FB1: "Yeah, it was a Wober grill."
FB2: "No, it was a Wuber grill. Honey, I bought that thing at Big Lots."
--Chicago, Funky Buddha Lounge, 728 W. Grand
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

As is becoming the norm, we have another hilarious submission that technically isn't eavesdropping, but must be shared with the world. Here is an email I received from a loyal reader/submitter:
"Last Nov my roommates and I woke to find a pair of glasses, cell phone, PDA-phone and a shoe lying right outside the front door of our apartment, discovered the following text message exchange within the PDA:
Jackoff: "My guy got some of that mass murda wow"
Douchebag: "Wat u mean, dat killer dope?"
Jackoff: "Def aint no g13 hash plant"
Douchebag: "Black afgan?"
Jackoff: "Yo them bitches just now got here. There's no way ill be able to make it bro."
Douchebag: "yo pimp can u grab any killer"
Jackoff: "Wat up?"
Douchebag: "Shit...wats good"
Jackoff: "Laid up, u?"
Douchebag: "Bout to goto this class"
Jackoff: "Me too folks"
Douchebag: "That hundino pac is prolly gunna b here today"
Jackoff: "Fuk all that"
Douchebag: "haha big balln smashn makin!"
Jackoff: "lol...we from richard manor & idle creek..."
Douchebag: "jk get at me later"
Jackoff: "We run shit like young hov and bleek..."
Douchebag: "haha"
Jackoff: "I pop my collar and i swing my chain...u can catch da club pimpin doin my thang!"
--Bloomington, IN
Eavesdropper: RobD

Thanks again everyone for your submissions. Keep up the good work. Email your inanities (even if that's not a word) to gmyhblog@yahoo.com.