Thursday, March 30, 2006

Ashlee Simpson Doesn't Deserve To Be An Aunt

Fresh off her divorce from the only thing in her life that kept her somewhat in touch with reality, Jessica Simpson has now decided that she cannot go any longer without having kids. Since nearly every man in the world has made the heroic and well-reasoned decision to prevent her from extending her bloodline to future generations, young Jessica is milling around with the idea of adoption. This horrifying thought presents us with the possibility that some poor child or (God forbid) children out there will, in several years, believe the following:
  • Buffaloes have wings
  • Chicken of the Sea is a brand of canned chicken that tastes like tuna
  • Rigor mortis is someone's name
  • There was once an animal called the platymapus, which is now called the platypus
  • Camping calls for Louis Vuitton
  • A veneer is actually called a venture
  • Grandpa Joe is doing anything but whoring your untalented ass out for his own benefit
  • It's completely appropriate to spend $55,000 on a watch to give your husband for his birthday
  • Age 25 is almost middle-aged
  • The correct pronunciation of "God" is "Gaa"
  • It's okay to look like or spell your name like Aunt Ashlee
  • Doing your own laundry is completely unacceptable
  • Mommy's talented
  • You have more than a snowball's chance in hell of acquiring the life skills necessary to achieve something more than being "the kid that Jessica Simpson adopted"

My favorite line from the article: "She recently signed on to star in Major Movie Star as an actress who hits rock bottom and enlists in the Marines." Talk about a fish out of water in a fish-out-of-water story. What Hollywood geniuses thought she was the right choice? Were they wowed by her out-of-the-box performance as an undereducated, backwards, Southern piece of meat in Dukes of Hazzard? Or was it her riveting portrayal of herself in the "These Bites Are Made For Poppin'" Pizza Hut commercial? Or was it her Ivy League education? By "Ivy League," of course, I mean "complete lack of any legitimate formal."

Some Hilarious Blogs

Thanks to the investigative prowess of my wife Jester and our friend "InvestiKate" Rohrer, my eyes have been opened to four new blogs that were good enough that I simply couldn't wait to share them with my loyal GMYH readers. Each of them is great because each involves readers (everyday people like you and me) submitting things. I linked them in my "Other Blogs" link section on the right, so that you can access them at any time. Anywho, here is a description of each one:

Overheard in New York
As the name implies, this is all about random conversations that people overhear in New York City. I was thinking about starting an Overheard in Dayton blog, but I've never heard anyone here say anything remotely funny or non-Buckeye related. Anyway, here are some of my favorites from NYC:

Drunk girl: Sometimes, when I look at myself through the microscope of cold, hard objectivity, I think to myself, "God, you are awesome!"
--47th & 9th

Guy: I mean, eating your own cum is one thing, but eating it on a pizza four hours later? I should probably keep my voice down...
--43rd & 8th

Teen girl #1: You know what I think the worst smell would be? Dirty diapers with rotting flesh wrapped in rubber; all set on fire.
Teen girl #2: What about sulfur, too?
Teen girl #1: Well, sulfur usually comes along with the burning anyway. And you know, that all might smell so bad that it smells good...
Teen girl #2: Yeah, you should tell Dartmouth that when you interview there.
--81st & CPW

Overheard in the Office
Like Overheard in New York, but as you may have been able to surmise, this one involves conversations overheard in the office. It's nice because just about anyone can submit something to this one, so keep your ears open. Here are some good ones:

Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.
950 Eller DriveFort Lauderdale, Florida

Worker #1: Check it out, [Brad]'s actually being useful!
Worker #2: I don't believe it. And I'm not even going to look because I refuse to look at things that I know are lies.
740 Dundas Street East Toronto, Ontario Canada

Project manager: Thanks, [Craig].
Art director: You mean [Jose]? He's [Craig].
Project manager: I mean [Jose]. Sorry, I got you mixed up since you're both wearing yellow shirts.
Art director: My shirt isn't yellow. Neither is [Craig's].

Found Magazine
This site features items (usually photos or notes) that people randomly find. For instance, a dollar bill on which someone had scrawled, "TO MR. ATTITUDE: WE'LL BE BACK!" and the comment about it says, "Money for sex is nothing new, but there's something great about giving cash to someone you're about to beat up." Another good one was a note found in the bushes near some Army barracks that said nothing but, "I'm wearing women's underwear."

PostSecret
This is an interesting little site, where people can anonymously send in handmade postcards that tell their dirty little secrets. Quite therapeutic I'm sure. I'll give a couple examples: "Whenever you go out of town, your boyfriend tries to fuck me. Sometimes I let him."; "I have a very high-profile and prestigious job and I am a heroin addict (and nobody knows)."; or "I steal money from the non profit charity I volunteer." Then there was an email submission that said, "I willingly withheld the greatest discovery in mathematics from the world...It is the solution to the Riemann Hypothesis...The Riemann Hypothesis is false. The prime number 2^13466971-1 is off the critical line." I don't get it, but it seems important, or maybe complete bullshit, since everyone knows the Riemann Hypothesis is a universal truth. Or so I would assume.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

IU's New Coach

Today at 4pm EST, IU will hold a press conference in Assembly Hall announcing Oklahoma's Kelvin Sampson as IU's new head basketball coach. Personally, I agree with the national commentators (aside from Gregg Doyel--that dude needs to die in horrific fashion) who have for the most part said that IU has hit a homerun with this hire. Sports writers in Indiana seem less than thrilled with the choice, but that's because, while they may not have explicitly stated it, it was pretty obvious that they wanted former IU players Steve Alford (a guy who has gone to 3 NCAA tournaments in the past 7 years) or Randy Wittman (a guy with absolutely zero college coaching experience).

Let's look at Kelvin Sampson's positives:

  • He once stated something along the lines of that he would crawl across broken glass to have the opporunity to coach at IU.
  • He has extensive, successful big-time coaching experience. He has been at Oklahoma for 12 years and has a .719 winning percentage there. None of the other coaching candidates (with the possible exception of Calipari) have had the kind of sustained, year-after-year success at a big program that Sampson has had at OU. Tom Crean has done very well at Marquette, but he hasn't been there as long as Sampson has been at OU. Alford has been spotty at best at Iowa. Wittman has never coached a college team. Billy Gillispie has only been at Texas A&M for 2 years. Mark Few has coached in the West Coast Conference for his entire head coaching tenure. John Beilein has only been at West Virginia for 4 seasons (he was at Richmond and Canisius before that) and has only made the NCAA tournament the past 2 years. Mark Turgeon's only head-coaching experience is at Wichita State and Jacksonville State.
  • He has won at least 20 games in each of the past 9 seasons.
  • He is an awesome recruiter (his incoming class at OU was ranked in the top 5, with 5 top-70 recruits). Sampson brings a nationally known name that carries the kind of respect names like Gillispie and Turgeon will take years to acquire. While Alford and Wittman are known within Indiana, they do not have the national credibility that Sampson does. Furthermore, Sampson should have no problem keeping Indiana's top recruits in state (which was a knock on Davis and a main reason many people thought an IU guy should have been hired).
  • He has coached in a Final Four (2002), which is something that the other candidates (aside from Calipari and Crean) could not say.
  • He is a two-time National Coach of the Year (1995, 2002).
  • He won 20 games twice while coaching at Washington State. Yes, the same Washington State that hasn't been to the NCAA tournament since 1994 (Sampson's last year at WSU) or played in the postseason at all since the 1996 NIT.
  • At Oklahoma, he has gone to the NCAA tournament 11 out of 12 years.
  • He has international coaching experience (led 2004 USA World Championship for Young Men Qualifying Team to a gold medal; assistant coach for 2002 U.S. World Basketball Championship team; coached 1995 U.S. Junior National Team; assistant coach for 1994 Goodwill Games team).
  • He is a board member and the former president of the National Association of Basketball Coaches.
  • He is the Big XII's all-time winningest coach.
  • He has coached Oklahoma to 3 Big XII tournament titles (IU has never won the Big Ten tournament).
  • He has a hard-nosed mentality. Plus, I love the fact that he is a full-blooded member of the Lumbee tribe. I don't know why, but I just do. There's just an innate toughness that I associate with Native Americans.
  • He demands the best effort from his players and his teams have notoriously hard practices.

And now let's look at the negatives:

  • Oklahoma is currently under investigation by the NCAA for making phone calls to recruits during non-phone-call periods between 2000 and 2004. OU has sanctioned its program by limiting men's basketball scholarships over the past two years, limiting the number of phone calls the coaches can make, and limiting the time period in which the coaches are allowed to recruit.
  • Apparently his graduation rate has been less than stellar. However, from my understanding of the NCAA's goofy rules for determining graduation rate, it doesn't take into account junior college transfers (of which Sampson has had several), even if they graduate, players who left early for the NBA draft (even if they come back and finish their degrees), or players who transfer to another school and graduate from that school (Sampson had at least one transfer). The way the graduation rate is calculated, all of those things hurt the rate.
  • Sampson's Sooners lost to Mike Davis's Hoosiers in the 2002 Final Four. Apparently, to some IU fans, that means that Sampson is somehow a worse choice than Davis.
  • His NCAA tournament record at OU is 11-12 and he is only 9-7 against lower-seeded teams.

Personally, I think the positives outweigh the negatives. In my mind, the biggest concern is the NCAA violations. While I can rationalize them by saying that at least he wasn't paying recruits or anything that serious, an NCAA violation is an NCAA violation. It seems as though that is in his past, and it seems doubtful that any sanctions will follow him to IU.

I'm not as worried about the graduation rate, since it's such a screwy formula and Sampson got hurt by having junior college transfers. Plus, IU has great programs and staff for helping student-athletes in the classroom, and apparently Oklahoma doesn't have nearly as good of an academic infrastructure set up for its athletes.

I just hope the fans give him a fair shot. IU doesn't need another situation like that with Davis, where there was a faction that hated him from the get-go and never gave him a shot. Then again, winning silenced many of them, and I think Sampson will be a winner at IU immediately, especially if DJ White and Robert Vaden stay.

Welcome to the IU Family, Coach Sampson!

Classic SBTB

As you should know by now, I watch Saved By The Bell every morning before work (it's on from 7-9 EST on TBS). This morning's episode was a great one (like it's possible for there to be a bad one). It was from the "Good Morning Miss Bliss" years, when the gang was in junior high and lived in Indianapolis.*

This morning's 7:30 episode featured a new kid at JFK Jr. High: Deke Simmons. Deke is a bully who, as bullies are known to do, likes to pick on nerds. Ironically, he looked like a young Ted McGinley. But I disgress. Deke had an instant hatred of Screech and would stop at nothing to pummel him. Screech tells everyone else to stop trying to protect him and just let him get his whoopin'. So Deke eventually takes Screech into a boys' bathroom where both of their expectations were that Screech would reemerge in a bodybag. Here's how the climactic scene went down (the lines are approximate):

Screech (backing into a corner): Let's get this over with. I have a trick knee and I just had some dental work done, so watch the legs and my mouth.
Deke: You're weird.
Screech (approaching Deke): Oh great. It's bad enough that you're gonna beat me up, but now you have to insult me. What do you know about weird?
Deke: I know plenty.
Screech: Yeah right.
Deke (half yelling): I don't know how to read.
Screech: Oh.
Deke (confused): No no. Here's the part where you laugh at me because I can't read and then I beat you up. Why aren't you laughing?
Screech: Because it's not funny.

Deke then lets Screech go. Pure comedic genius. If there's one thing bullies in my school always did during a fight, it was admit serious intellectual and emotional vulnerabilities. What an idiot. No wonder he couldn't read.

*For the three of you unfamiliar with Saved By The Bell's history, the show started as "Good Morning Miss Bliss," starring Hayley Mills (of Parent Trap fame) as Miss Bliss, an 8th-grade teacher at JFK Jr. High in suburban Indianapolis. After one year, it changed to "Saved By The Bell," and Zack, Screech, Lisa, and Mr. Belding inexplicably move to Bayside High and never once mention living in Indiana. In fact, they act as if they've lived in Bayside their whole lives. Zack acts as if he's always lived next door to Jessie Spano, even though she never lived in Indiana or showed up at JFK Jr. High. In Indiana, Zack's parents are divorced and his dad (who is much more homely than the Mr. Morris we know and love in Bayside) tries to date Miss Bliss. In California, Zack's parents are married, and there is no mention of any infidelity with any of Zack's midwestern junior high teachers. More importantly, in Indiana, Zack's dad's name is Peter Morris, but in California, it's Derek Morris. They never attempt to explain all of these inconsistencies, but I'll bet it has something to do with Scientology.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Age of Profanity?

According to an AP-Ipsos poll, you better fucking believe it. Shit, just writing that feels better than an 11-year-old Vietnamese bitch's asshole. Too far?*

*The answer of course is "yes." Way too far. I blame the media -- more specifically, cable television -- for allowing characters on TV shows to say things like "asshole" and "bitch." But at the same time, I blame network TV shows like Dateline, 48 Hours, and 20/20 for constantly touting the danger and excitement of transcontinental pedophilia. Oh, and I blame rap music for using profanity and objectifying women. And I also blame John Hughes for promoting the idea that "you can never go too far." No matter what, it's not my fault for saying something like that -- nor will it ever be, so long as we continue to allow First Amendment protection for things like television, film, and music.

She Totally Pittsnogled All Over His Face

I don't know how in the world someone got ahold of this link, but eventually it made its way to Ryan "Pittsnoff" Christoff, who sent it to me. It is the online wedding album of West Virginia University basketball player Kevin Pittsnogle. For those of you who aren't sure if you know who he is, he is the only person you've every heard of with the last name Pittsnogle. I think the white suit with the purple tie and vest is a classy way to cover his wrist-to-shoulder tattoos, but not as classy as the fact that he paid Dennis Farina to play the part of his father (photo 6), he paid a midget to pretend to be his brother-in-law (photo 9), he totally Pittsnogled his wife in front of everyone (photo 20), and then she totally Pittsnogled him in return (photo 21). His father-in-law's unabashed concern is palpable (photo 11). I guess I would be pissed off too if my daughter's name was about to be Pittsnogle.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Danger is My Middle Name

This weekend was a series of ups and downs. Jester and I (and Harley, our possibly autistic dog) went up to Chicago. Apparently our departure from Dayton signaled to God that it was time to destroy my NCAA tournament brackets. By the time we got to Chicago, Boston College had pissed away their (and my) hopes of a Final Four run. With one Final Four team in my main bracket gone, I made the choice to root for Washington to take out UConn, since I had Washington winning it all in 3 of my 18 brackets. I think we all know how those brackets are doing.

I handed Jessie and Harley off to Ari (the taller twin), and I made my way to McGee's, a popular Lincoln Park watering hole, where one of my brother's friends was having a $25-all-you-can-drink-from-10-to-1 birthday party in a private room. I like a challege, so I went with Jameson on the rocks in order to get my $25 worth.

Of note: There was a guy there who was ranked #58 in the nation in the ESPN Tournament Challenge. After UConn ended my dreams of a purple-and-gold national title run, this dude had 7 of 8 Elite 8 teams (all but George Mason). I can't remember who he said he had in his Final Four, except LSU and UConn. Anyway, I was excited that I got to be in the presence of such a learned bracketologist. Then I found out he went to Hinsdale Central and I cut his achilles tendon with a broken beer bottle.

The night ended with me and Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff going to LaBamba, where I dominated a steak super nachos. For some reason, I remember having a smug look on my face while doing so. I wish I knew why. When I woke up at 9:30 the next morning without a hangover, my nachos decision seemed wise. Maybe that's why I was smug: I recognized my own astounding ingenuity.

Saturday, Jester and Ari were going to a bachelorette party, which apparently involves getting makeup done and a whole lotta other shit that seems unnecessary when compared with the get-drunk-and-go-to-a-strip-club standard procedure for bachelor parties. Anyway, I took Harley to Christoff and Tradd's hizzie, where I would be staying that night. As an added bonus, Tradd was in Akron for the weekend (buying rubber I assume), so I didn't have to sleep on the very same couch from which I watched my projected runner-up (Texas) go down.

Before the game started, Encore blessed us with the opportunity to see Road House, the 1989 classic where Patrick Swayze is an NYU-educated bouncer who bangs Kelly Lynch on barn roof and cleans up a Missouri town run by a corrupt, rich bastard played by the same guy who played Jackie Treehorn in Lebowski. Road House has everything: totally sweet fight scenes, Jeff Healey playing the lead singer/guitarist in the house band at the Double Deuce, monster trucks, Sam Elliott without a mustache, and gratuitous nudity as only the '80s allowed.

Saturday evening, I met Morgan "Crazy Legs" Hirst and Jeremy "Uter Von" Widenhofer at BW-3 to watch the UCLA/Memphis game, which turned out to be an utterly terrible game to watch. Even though I had UCLA in the Final Four, my bracket had taken enough of a dick kicking that I was rooting for Memphis.

While at BW-3, at approximately 7pm, we saw a cat fight, or what is more accurately described as a near cat fight. No blood, no connected blows (as far as I could tell), but apparently one girl was distraught enough (read: a stuck-up Lincoln Park bitch who thinks she's entitled to everything) that she called the cops. Watching her explain her side of it to the cops was darling. Watching the cops not write anything down was funny. Watching her boyfriend stand next to her the whole time with a possibly angry or possibly bored what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-here look on his face was downright precious. Needless to say, Chicago's finest will be spending minutes on this case.

At around 9, we decided to go to the Burwood Tap (aka, my favorite bar in Chicago). The next 5 hours are somewhat of a blur. I remember the following: (1) getting pitchers of Smithwick's, (2) Greg "Roamin'" Bohmann showed up, as did Christoff, (3) Morgan insisting that we do Jager Bomb after Jager Bomb after Jager Bomb, (4) finding out that the Burwood now accepts credit cards (I'm still unsure if I took advantage of that), and (5) putting $5 in the jukebox to play 15 songs and learning that there is a little man that lives in the jukebox who only plays some of the songs I pay to play.

Other than that, your guess is as good as mine. I do know that Christoff, Bohmann, and I made the one-block jaunt to--you guessed it--LaBamba. I went with a steak burrito this time, which I ate without the same self-satisfied, shit-eating grin that I had the night before. I do know that the burrito had the same hangover-neutralizing effect as the super nachos, which I found out at 8:15 Sunday morning, when Harley woke me up after my 4-hour nap.

The drive home turned out to be more boisterous than usual. Granted, there were no tire blowouts or F-4 spottings, but there was one of the biggest upsets in NCAA tournament history and a hilarious conversation about baby names. Don't get any ideas: Jessie and I are sure as shit not having a kid any time soon. Frankly, a dog is enough of a pain in the ass at this point in our lives. Regardless, for some reason, Jessie and I have a habit of using car trips for heated and often light-hearted discussions about what we would name our kids when we have them in 10 years.

The names that we actually both like are few and far between, and they're not nearly as good as some of the other names we came up with (or have been suggested to us). For instance, Jessie suggested Austin. I said that was fine, but only if his middle name was Danger. She said that was fine, but only as long as we pronounced it with a "hard g" instead of a "soft g": dang-grr. That way, his whole life he could explain that, despite what it looks like, danger is in fact not his middle name. Here are some of the other highlights:
For boys:
-Jabbar LeMar
-Lamar Lemar LeMar
-Saddam LeMar (or Uday or Kusay)
-Osama bin LeMar
-Sandy Al LeMar
-Heathcliff LeMar (brother would be Riff Raff, and boy would they be some trouble-making cats)
-Sly Danger LeMar (Danger ("dang-grr") kept popping up as a possible middle name)
-Theodore Donald Kerobatsos LeMar (We would call him Donny for short, and every time he opened his mouth we'd tell him to "shut the fuck up Donny.")
-Ulysses S. LeMar (we would call him U.S.)
-Chester T. LeMar (the T stands for Themolester)
-Rutherford Danger LeMar (we would call him Ruth for short, with the "u" pronounced like the "u" in Russ. Of course we would also have a daughter named Ruth, pronounced in the traditional manner.)
-Hadrian LeMar (we would be sure he had a really kickass wall in his room)
-Vlad The Impaler LeMar
-Count Dracula LeMar
-Lion LeMar (This is an offshoot of the name that I would most want for a boy, which is Leon. Unfortunately for me and our future son, Jessie can't stand the name Leon.)
-Filbert LeMar
-Silvert Durango LeMar (When Jessie was younger, she wanted to name her boys Silvert and Durango after a railroad out West)
-Gila LeMar (pronounced Jeela -- this is the name that I suggested to my parents to name my brother. It was met by my parents with a mix of indiscriminate laughter and sincere disappointment)
For girls:
-Pootsie LeMar (This was my suggestion to my parents if my mom had a girl instead of my brother. As far as I know, it would have happened.)
-Grandma LeMar
-Bertha LeMar
-Gazelle LeMar
-Jiselle LeMar
-Iman LeMar
-Tyra LeMar
-Heidi Klum LeMar
-Twiggy LeMar
-Propecia Finasteride LeMar
-Allegra LeMar
Unisex:
-Skeez LeMar (or alternatively, Skiis LeMar)
-Grand Mal LeMar
-Ether LeMar
-Butch LeMar

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, March 24, 2006

"Lock the Cellar Door"

Hair Band Friday is here, and I gotta tell you, I'm a bit surprised at how crazy it is today. Granted, I'm pumped that Duke lost, but I never expected some of these ladies to be so excited. "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison, "You're Crazy" by G 'N F'n R, and "Lick It Up" by KISS were the last three songs to come through my speakers, which are cranked to 11, by the way. Pretty much since the game ended last night, I've been bonging Jack and practicing depositions with some random chick named Tara. I don't know about you, but I wish all my deponents were near-comatose hot chicks wearing nothing but clear plastic high heels, a Livestrong bracelet, and a small, well-groomed vertical strip of hair several inches below the belly button. Meanwhile, Lucy and Candi keep yammering away about wanting pearl necklaces, but I keep telling them that I don't have any jewelry. I guess women get greedy after drinking tequila off each other's naked bodies for several hours. Then there's this other chick who ate some shrooms and has been riding a burnt orange tricycle around my office (buck naked, of course), yelling "hook 'em 'horns" every 5 seconds. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I may have to give her something to put in her mouth to shut her up, if you know what I mean. Maybe a Zone bar or some raisins.

There has been a rumor floating around that Marissa Cooper actually ate last night on screen during The OC. Since I was watching last night's glorious NCAA basketball action, I have not yet had the opportunity to confirm or deny this rumor. If it is true, however, it was episode 69 (seriously, how awesome is that!), which means that Holt "Your Fire" Hedrick is the winner of the hilariously imaginative OC When Will Marissa Eat? Pool. As of now, he is the unofficial winner. Upon my own personal viewing of the episode (I have it on my DVR), I will declare that he is or is not the official winner. God help us all.

For those of you looking for something completely awesome to do this Sunday while waiting for the Elite 8 games to start, tune into VH1 Classic at 2pm EST for one full hour of Nena's 1984 apocalyptic classic, "99 Luftballoons" (aka "99 Red Balloons"). And yes, both the German and English versions. Why? Because some Captain Courage with $35,000 paid for it. I yearn for the day when I can make VH1 Classic play "Take On Me" by Norwegian supergroup a-ha for 24 hours straight. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out what the hell is going on in that video. Is he real? Is he a cartoon? What about her? How desperate and/or slutty is this chick if she's willing to jump into a comic book just get a piece of ass from some guy she's never met before? Should he be concerned about that? Is he colorblind at all times, or only when he's a cartoon? Will he remain a cartoon, or will he stay in the real world with her forever for what can only be described as some uproariously awkward encounters with full-color, real-life situations? If so, how long with it take him to adjust? And what did he do to propmt elderly motorcycle racers to come after him with wrenches? Is there any risk that they will become real? If so, are they able to navigate real-world streets well enough to find her apartment? Is this guy any good in the sack, or is all of the effort put forth for this cartoon-to-real-life conversion going to be wasted after one disappointing night? Does he want kids? If so, does he want to raise them in the real world or in the friendly confines of poorly drawn black-and-white comic book hallways? Shouldn't she figure this stuff out before she jumps into a relationship (or into bed) with this guy? I'll gladly pay $840,000 to find out.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Mispronounced Words

Maybe I'm anal when it comes to word pronunciation, but there are few things that chap my ass more than when someone who is allegedly highly educated consistently mispronounces a commonly used word. It's cute and all when you're 4 and you say "pisketti" instead of "spaghetti." But it's a whole different story when you're 40. There's a lawyer in my office who consistently puts a "t" in the middle of the word "else," thus pronouncing it "eltse." It takes every ounce of restraint I have to not yell, "There's no fucking 't' in the word 'else,'" and then smack him in the teeth with Webster's (unabridged, just in case).

In addition to "eltse," here are some of my most hated mispronunciations:

  1. "Supposably" - Nothing quite turns an otherwise respectable person into a complete sped like when they say "supposably" instead of "supposedly." It's almost as funny as Sister Act 2. Almost.
  2. "Pacific" - Most 3rd graders can tell you that Pacific refers to one of the world's five oceans. It is not a synonym for "particular."
  3. "Liberry" - It's actually called a library, which is a building that houses plenty of books on how to pronounce words correctly. It's not some sort of berry made of lies.
  4. "Pitcher" - As many of you know, a pitcher is someone on a baseball team or something you use to store and pour liquids. As some of you may not know, a pitcher is not something you hang on your wall or something you take with a camera.
  5. "Acrossed" - Despite what Lyons Township High School football coach "Captain Jack" Derning may think, there is no such word. Wide receiver Bobby Moore didn't run acrossed the field to score a touchdown when you were supposed to be guarding him in the 1971 East-West Shrine game, thus ruining any hopes at a pro football career. Ahmad Rashad ran across the field to score a touchdown, exposing a slow, white linebacker from Northwestern with bad knees. Similarly, you don't go acrossed the street to get your GED. You go across the street to get your college degree.
  6. "Illinoiz" - For those of you from New Jersey or the undereducated South, there is only one state of Illinois (not several, as your pronunciation would imply). The "s" at the end of the word is silent. What this means is that the correct pronunciation is "Illinoy." The only time that the "Illinoy" sound should be followed with an "s" sound is when you are (1) referring to the plural of Illinois (i.e., "I wish there were more states like that. We could really use more Illinoises"), or (2) referring to the possessive of Illinois (i.e., "The University of Illinois's lack of NCAA basketball championship banners is surprising, given the fact that their fanbase seems to think that they are the greatest basketball program in the history of the world.")
  7. "Warsh" or "Warshington" - I've never understood when or why an "r" was placed in the middle of the word "wash." And George Washington has to roll in his grave everytime someone screws up his name. He was only our first president. And it's only the name of our capital. Frankly, I blame America's teachers. Speaking of which...
  8. "Faltse" - My 8th grade science teacher (who I'm positive molested children and all manner of domesticated animal, fish included) always put a "t" in the middle of the word "false." Unfortunately we never had a test question that read "True or False: The correct pronunciation of 'false' is 'faltz'." Fucking Niccum. When he gets to hell, I hope Satan (1) makes him a eunuch and (2) whenever he says "faltse," he gets strapped to a chair full of upward-facing rusty tacks, his eyelids are held open and some sort of imp squirts lemon juice into his eyes while he is forced to watch Hitler, Stalin, Slobodan Milošević, and Jesse Helms (he'll be dead by June) perform a lengthy, all-nude rendition of Cats. None of them are very good singers or dancers.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Who Will Be IU's Next Basketball Coach?

Now that the Hoosiers have been knocked out of the tournament (which, I must say, is a whole hell of a lot better than not being there to begin with, like the past 2 seasons), the focus of Hoosier Nation has officially shifted to one burning question: Who will be IU's next coach? As of last night, we know that it will NOT be Steve Alford (much to my enjoyment--he was a great player, but he's not a great coach).

As some guy from Gainesville once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." We here at GMYH can't stand the anticipation, which is why we have compiled the first official GMYH IU Head Basketball Coach List of Attainable Coaches (or GIHBCLAC). The following is a list, in order, of the coaches who IU could lure from their current positions*, who GMYH believes would be the best coaches to replace Mike Davis:
  1. Mark Few - Gonzaga head coach. Supposedly IU has already tried to contact Few, but his team is still in the tournament (perhaps the IU administrators forgot that Gonzaga beat us 4 days ago). Unfortunately, the longer Gonzaga plays in the NCAA tournament, the less likely it is that IU will be able to nab Few, both because he will be unavailable until after the season is done and because it will mean that he can get far in the tournament with Gonzaga.
  2. Billy Gillispie - Texas A&M head coach. He has done wonders with A&M, which is a traditionally terrible basketball school. In only his 2nd season, he took A&M from 7-21 the year before he got there to their first NCAA tournament since 1987, their first NCAA tournament win since 1980, and within a miraculous last-second three-pointer (by LSU) of the Sweet 16. All reports say that he's a great recruiter and the kind of in-your-face, enthusiastic coach that IU fans would really take to. As an added bonus, he has been an assistant coach in the Big Ten (at Illinois under Bill Self).
  3. Tom Crean - Marquette head coach. Crean is a Tom Izzo disciple, has taken Marquette to a Final Four (2003), and made the smoothest transition to the Big East out of all of the former Conference USA teams. In Marquette's first season in the Big East (this season), the Golden Eagles tied with Pitt and Georgetown for 4th place at 10-6 in the conference, with only West Virginia, UConn, and Villanova finishing ahead of them, and they were the only former C-USA team from the Big East that made the NCAA tournament. The closest other Big East rookie (Cincinnati) finished at 8-8, while all of the other former C-USA teams (Louisville, DePaul, South Florida) finished no better than 6-10. Also, he has shown that he can recruit in Indiana (freshman stud Dominic James in from Richmond).
  4. Karl Hobbs - George Washington head coach. He has done a great job thus far at GW, turning it around from losing seasons in his first two years to the NIT the next year and then Atlantic-10 championships the past two years. Aside from an A-10 tournament loss to Temple, their only two losses this season were to NC State and Duke. His UConn playing and coaching pedigree (including being an assistant on the 1999 NCAA title team--he is credited with recruiting Rip Hamilton and Khalid El-Amin) shows that he knows how big basketball schools operate.
  5. Randy Wittman - Orlando Magic assistant coach. He played at IU and seems to want to keep the job in the family, already talking about bringing back a bunch of former players to unify the IU basketball family. However, he doesn't have any college coaching experience and a pretty terrible NBA head coaching record (62-102).
  6. Rick Majerus - Former Utah head coach. A great coach with Indiana ties. He would be higher on the list if I thought he was going to live for more than 5 years.
  7. Mark Turgeon - Wichita State head coach. Turgeon has taken the Shockers to the Sweet 16, and has a pretty good shot at taking them to the Elite 8. Also, he played and was an assistant coach at Kansas, so he knows what it's like to be part of a big-time basketball program.
  8. Johnny Dawkins - Duke associate head coach. A Coach K player and assistant coach, Dawkins is about ready for a head coaching job. The biggest concern, though, is that Coach K's former assistants and players haven't had the greatest head coaching success. Also, one of the biggest knocks on Mike Davis was that he had never been a head coach before coming to IU. Dawkins would face that same problem, and IU officials would be under some pretty intense scrutiny if Dawkins didn't do well at IU.
  9. Brad Brownell - UNC-Wilmington head coach. He has Indiana connections (high school teammate of Calbert Cheaney) and has done very well at UNC-Wilmington, averaging 20+ wins in 4 seasons, going to the NCAA tournament twice, losing to Maryland in 2003 on a last-second 3-pointer by Drew Nicholas and losing this year in overtime to George Washington.

*GMYH does not believe that the following head coaching candidates (all of whom have been mentioned as possibilities at one point or another) would be willing to leave their current positions: Mike Anderson (UAB head coach), Rick Barnes (Texas head coach), John Bielein (West Virginia head coach), John Calipari (Memphis head coach), Billy Donovan (Florida head coach), Thad Matta (Ohio State), Mike Montgomery (Golden State Warriors head coach and former Stanford head coach), Rick Pitino (Louisville head coach), Scott Skiles (Chicago Bulls head coach, even though he has a house in Bloomington).

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Weather is Stupid

Every now and then God likes to get a good laugh. After all, what fun is being omnipotent if you can't screw with humans. Take today, for instance. Yesterday was the first day of spring. Most of us spent the day balancing eggs on end, holding feasts in honor of the goddesses Eostre, and praying to Bast, the goddess of cats, for a bountiful spring. Sweaters, coats, and longjohns were put away. T-shirts, shorts, and bosoms were prepared for the coming of warmer weather. So what does God do? He/she/it douches the Midwest with snow. Man, I bet they're laughing their asses off up there in heaven. It's this kind of tomfoolery that led to the factioning of religion in the first place. Extremely short-sighted and bush league, in my humble opinion.

The Madness of King George (Mason or town)

What a weekend. I'm sure I say this every year, but this is the best NCAA tournament in recent memory. I got to see all of the games here in Dayton, which included George Mason taking out half of last year's Final Four and Georgetown beating Ohio State into a coma. Nothing was quite as sweet as watching OSU fans pile out of the arena with 8 minutes to go and their team down by only 9 points, proving that OSU fans are, for the most part, giant pieces of fair-weather dung. Apparently teams from the Washington, DC area that start with "George" really like playing at UD Arena. If they had tossed George Washington into the mix, the world would have ceased to exist as we know it.

In addition to my bracket-busting games, here are some other highlights from the greatest weekend in sports:
-14-seeded Northwestern State drops a last-second bomb on Iowa (aka a sham team that didn't deserve a 3 seed whose coach was a fantastic player, but better not be coming to coach my alma mater next year).
-Some guy on Tennessee hits a last-second shot to beat 15-seed Winthrop, thus postponing the Vols' inevitable demise for one more game. I knew they were a fraud, yet I somehow picked them to get to the Sweet 16 in nearly every one of my brackets, even though they had never been to a Sweet 16 in school history. Damn you Bruce Pearl and your fancy suspenders.
-I had about 14 mini heart attacks while watching IU's first-round victory over San Diego State. Robert Vaden's 3 with 3.3 seconds left gave the Hoosiers the victory, allowing us to go up against the ugliest team in college basketball in the second round.
-Bradley showing why it was chosen over the likes of Cincinnati and Michigan by beating Kansas and Pitt to get to its first Sweet 16 since 1955.
-Either Wichita State or George Mason will be given the opportunity to be murdered by UConn on the Huskies' way to the Final Four.
-Another year, another 1st round loss for Syracuse and Kansas. Remember that one year when they both made it to the championship game? It seems like it was light years ago.
-The following were exposed as complete frauds: the Big Ten conference (most notably Ohio State and Iowa), Tennessee, North Carolina, Kansas, Syracuse, Nevada, Oklahoma, that bug-eyed, traveling SOB Tyler Hansbrough.

Of my 18 brackets, I still have 7 with all four of my Final Four. My GMYH predictions would have been a pretty good bracket, with 6 of 8 Elite 8 teams and all 4 Final Four teams still playing. Of course I didn't actually use that bracket in any of my pools.

I'm actually leading in one of my pools (which is unheard of), and of course that bracket has Duke going to the title game. Rooting for Duke is kind of like being given the opportunity to hook up with a really hot girl who you know has herpes. As tempting as it may be, no matter how drunk you get, that one night of pleasure just isn't worth the guilt, regret, and awkward explanations you have to live with for the rest of your life. If you do everything in your power to avoid the situation, then you'll come away clean, proud, and still able to laugh at Valtrex commercials.

Since everyone in the world has Duke and UConn in the final game, I have to rely on the several brackets I have with Washington winning it all. It's not a position I'd like to be in, given that there have been only 3 teams from the state of Washington that have played in a Final Four, the most recent of which was during the Eisenhower Administration (the mighty 1958 Seattle University Chieftans, led by none other than Elgin Baylor, who lost to Kentucky in the title game). Nonetheless, I'll be rooting for the Huskies over the Huskies.

My favorite bracket, you ask? That would be the one where I had Tennessee over Kansas in the final game. After I filled it out, I looked at it and thought that it might be the worst bracket I've ever filled out. Sometimes it hurts to be so damn right.

Friday, March 17, 2006

"I Took the City 'Bout 1 A.M., Loaded, Loaded"

Talk about a Hair Band Friday for the ages: IU won last night in dramatic fashion, it's St. Patrick's Day, and I'm going to the tournament games today in Dayton. Since the end of IU's come-from-behind victory, it's been insane here in my office. The music is pumping, and the last three songs have been especially rockin': "Youth Gone Wild" by Skid Row, "Rocks Off" by Def Leppard, and "Livin' After Midnight" by Judas Priest. Amphetamines have been tossed around like a Dutch whore, giving me enough juice to go on an all-night brief-writing-and-sex bender. About 4am, we finally realized that it was St. Patrick's Day, so this chick Samantha (we all call her "Toucan Sam" because she once did herself with a toucan beak after she watched me and Nick conduct a particularly kickass document review session back in '03) busts out the green body paint and ecstasy-laced Shamrock Shakes. So now I have green paint splattered all over my office, clothes, and various discrete body parts, and the noises coming from my office have been a mixture of totally awesome music, boisterous laughter, and screaming orgasms. How the hell am I going to explain this one to the bosses? They're already concerned about my productivity, given the fact that I have a full bar and two stripper poles in my office, as well as a slough of willing, trashy-hot ladies wearing crotch-length mini-skirts (and rarely any underwear) parading in and out on any given Friday. Fucking suits. They wouldn't know a good time if it slapped them repeatedly in the face with a used Trojan. No worries, though, because I'll be ducking out before noon to head over to UD Arena for some NCAA action. Plus, they know not to fuck with me because I always have brass knuckles on me. Always.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The OC Pool Deadline is Tonight

Don't forget to the OC "When Will Marissa Eat?" Pool before tonight's episode starts.

My Office

18 brackets. 19 different Final Four teams. 12 different finalists. 9 different champions. No chance in hell.

Are You Ready for the Madness?

Special thanks to Holt "WTF" Hedrick for sending the link below to get you pumped up for the tournament, which starts in less than 2 hours. My favorite part is when Bob Knight punches the phone. Enjoy. I just pissed myself.

http://home.comcast.net/~rkramb/1987_One_Shining_Moment.wmv

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Whammy

It's truly a sad day in the game show world. Peter Tomarken, host of my favorite game show of all-time, Press Your Luck, died yesterday when a plane he was flying (which I assume was named No Whammy, Big Bucks, or PT Cruiser) crashed off the coast of LA. When are celebrities going to realize that they should not fly planes themselves? Looks like Tomarken pressed his luck by doing so. Too soon?

For those of you too stupid to remember Press Your Luck, it was the only game that featured the hilariously droll Whammies and people shouting "Big Bucks! Big Bucks! No Whammies!" The rules of the game are explained nicely on Wikipedia. It was pretty much the greatest game show ever, until 1984 when some guy figured out that the pattern of lit-up squares was not random, winning over $100,000, which in today's money is the equivalent of about $4 billion, nearly bankrupting the upstart Columbia Broadcasting System in the process. Only Tomarken's wry wit and devastating good looks kept the show and the network afloat. Good night sweet prince.

Monday, March 13, 2006

My NCAA Tournament Predictions

Here are my thoughts on all 64 NCAA tournament games. In reality, I have about 15 different brackets out there (one nice thing about Ohio is that it has an exception for March Madness pools in its gambling statute), so this is a conglomeration of all of them. I am by no means an expert, having finished out of the money in every pool I've been in, except for a 2nd-place effort in 1994. So take this with a grain of salt, and if you have any sense at all, don't use this as a basis for your own picks. And, as I did for my hilariously awful conference tournament predictions, I'll be updating this post with green for the picks I get right and red for the ones I get wrong.

Atlanta Region
First Round
Thursday March 16
#1 Duke vs. #16 Southern. Winner: Duke
#8 George Washington vs. #9 UNC-Wilmington. Winner: George Washington
#5 Syracuse vs. #12 Texas A&M. Winner: Syracuse
#4 LSU vs. #13 Iona. Winner: LSU
Friday March 17
#6 West Virginia vs. #11 Southern Illinois. Winner: West Virginia
#3 Iowa vs. #14 Northwestern State. Winner: Iowa
#7 California vs. #10 NC State. Winner: NC State
#2 Texas vs. #15 Penn. Winner: Texas

Second Round
Saturday March 18
#1 Duke vs. #8 George Washington. Winner: Duke
#4 LSU vs. #5 Syracuse. Winner: Syracuse
Sunday March 19
#3 Iowa vs. #6 West Virginia. Winner: West Virginia
#2 Texas vs. #10 NC State. Winner: Texas

Sweet 16
Thursday March 23
#1 Duke vs. #5 Syracuse. Winner: Duke
#2 Texas vs. #6 West Virginia. Winner: Texas

Elite 8
Saturday March 25
#1 Duke vs. #2 Texas. Winner: Texas

Oakland Region
First Round
Thursday March 16
#6 Indiana vs. #11 San Diego State. Winner: Indiana
#3 Gonzaga vs. #14 Xavier. Winner: Gonzaga
#7 Marquette vs. #10 Alabama. Winner: Marquette
#2 UCLA vs. #15 Belmont. Winner: UCLA
Friday March 17
#1 Memphis vs. #16 Oral Roberts. Winner: Memphis
#8 Arkansas vs. #9 Bucknell. Winner: Arkansas
#5 Pittsburgh vs. #12 Kent State. Winner: Pitt
#4 Kansas vs. #13 Bradley. Winner: Kansas

Second Round
Saturday March 18
#3 Gonzaga vs. #6 Indiana. Winner: Gonzaga
#2 UCLA vs. #7 Marquette. Winner: UCLA
Sunday March 19
#1 Memphis vs. #8 Arkansas. Winner: Memphis
#4 Kansas vs. #5 Pitt. Winner: Kansas

Sweet 16
Thursday March 23
#1 Memphis vs. #4 Kansas. Winner: Kansas
#2 UCLA vs. #3 Gonzaga. Winner: UCLA

Elite 8
Saturday March 25
#2 UCLA vs. #4 Kansas. Winner: UCLA

Washington, D.C. Region
First Round
Thursday March 16
#5 Washington vs. #12 Utah State. Winner: Washington
#4 Illinois vs. #13 Air Force. Winner: Illinois
#7 Wichita State vs. #10 Seton Hall. Winner: Seton Hall
#2 Tennessee vs. #15 Winthrop. Winner: Tennessee
Friday March 17
#1 UConn vs. #16 Albany. Winner: UConn
#8 Kentucky vs. #9 UAB. Winner: UAB
#6 Michigan State vs. #11 George Mason. Winner: Michigan State
#3 North Carolina vs. #14 Murray State. Winner: North Carolina

Second Round
Saturday March 18
#4 Illinois vs. #5 Washington. Winner: Washington
#2 Tennessee vs. #10 Seton Hall. Winner: Tennessee
Sunday March 19
#1 UConn vs. #9 UAB. Winner: UConn
#3 North Carolina vs. #6 Michigan State. Winner: Michigan State

Sweet 16
Friday March 24
#1 UConn vs. #5 Washington. Winner: UConn
#2 Tennessee vs. #6 Michigan State. Winner: Michigan State

Elite 8
Sunday March 26
#1 UConn vs. #6 Michigan State. Winner: UConn

Minneapolis Region
Opening Round Game
Tuesday March 14
#16a Monmouth vs. #16b Hampton. Winner: Hampton

First Round
Thursday March 16
#5 Nevada vs. #12 Montana. Winner: Montana
#4 Boston College vs. #13 Pacific. Winner: Boston College
#6 Oklahoma vs. #11 UW-Milwaukee. Winner: Oklahoma
#3 Florida vs. #14 South Alabama. Winner: Florida
Friday March 17
#1 Villanova vs. #16 Hampton. Winner: Villanova
#8 Arizona vs. #9 Wisconsin. Winner: Wisconsin
#7 Georgetown vs. #10 Northern Iowa. Winner: Georgetown
#2 Ohio State vs. #15 Davidson. Winner: Ohio State

Second Round
Saturday March 18
#4 Boston College vs. #12 Montana. Winner: Boston College
#3 Florida vs. #6 Oklahoma. Winner: Florida
Sunday March 19
#1 Villanova vs. #9 Wisconsin. Winner: Villanova
#2 Ohio State vs. #7 Georgetown. Winner: Georgetown

Sweet 16
Friday March 24
#1 Villanova vs. #4 Boston College. Winner: Boston College
#3 Florida vs. #7 Georgetown. Winner: Florida

Elite 8
Sunday March 26
#3 Florida vs. #4 Boston College. Winner: Boston College

Final Four
Saturday April 1
#2 Texas vs. #2 UCLA. Winner: Texas
#1 UConn vs. #4 Boston College. Winner: UConn

Monday April 3
#2 Texas vs. #1 UConn. Winner: UConn

In making these predictions, I have essentially ensured that the Final Four will not have any of these four teams. Take heed.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

March Madness is here, and I'm happier than a Scotsman on June 24 in the Year of Our Lord Thirteen Fourteen. This is the most wide-open tournament in recent memory. Anyone can beat anyone, which should make for an awesome next three weeks, with more surprises than Weekend at Bernie's. And that's just the NIT (just kidding--the NIT could be comprised entirely of quadruple overtime games and no one would notice).

How IU got a 6 seed I'll never know, but I'll take it. The bitter irony, of course, is that we're playing San Diego State, a team that Jessie, Holt, and I watched win the Mountain West tournament while at the bars Saturday night, which features Marcus Slaughter, who Jessie could not stop raving about. Will she root for her alma mater or her new crush? Assuming she wants to keep living life as she's grown accustomed to (walking, breathing, having a dog, etc.), I think I know the answer.

I'm going to the 1st and 2nd round games here in Dayton on Friday and Sunday. Let's take a gander at the matchups I'll be witnessing in person:
-Friday 12:15 - #15 Davidson vs. #2 Ohio State. It's probably a good thing that this is the first game because it will mean that I won't be drunk enough to get into it with the many jackass OSU fans who will be there. It's funny how everyone is now an OSU basketball fan, considering most of them don't know the fundamental rules of the game ("why is the ball round?"). Anyway, it will be sweet when Davidson pulls the upset. Go Wildcats!
-Friday 2:35 - #10 Northern Iowa vs. #7 Georgetown. This looks like a pretty good matchup. I look for the Hoyas to win, proving once again that the Missouri Valley Conference is a fraud and hopefully prompting the NCAA to change its RPI formula back to how it used to be.
-Friday 7:10 - #11 George Mason vs. #6 Michigan State. MSU should take care of business here, although the Patriots will keep it interesting.
-Friday 9:30 - #14 Murray State vs. #3 North Carolina. The Racers should not be taken lightly. Their only non-conference losses were to NCAA tournament teams Tennessee (by 11) and Southern Illinois (by 4) and NCAA snub Cincinnati (by 4). By this time I will be drunk enough to be cheering very loudly against UNC.

Stay tuned for my tournament picks.

Friday, March 10, 2006

"A Runaway Was Found Today Dyin' In The Alley"

March Madness is underway (or at least the conference tournament portion), and Hair Band Friday is off the chain today. When I got into the office this morning, my goal was to bong half a bottle of Jager and see how many deposition outlines I could write before I couldn't see the screen anymore. The answer: 1. No worries, though, because the ladies don't care. Hell, they're just impressed I can type at all, even when I'm sober (which is never!). The last three songs playing at ungodly levels from my speakers were ricockulous: "Wasted Generation" by Steel Dragon, "Get It Hot" by AC/DC, and "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen. Meanwhile, Leila and Candi are smoking some joints dipped in angel dust. That, my friends, can be a risky proposition. One minute you're in a law office banging two strippers at once, and then the next thing you know you're waking up in a stranger's bedroom completely shaved head-to-toe, wearing nothing but aqua socks, RecSpecs and a codpiece, bound to a chair with urine-soaked rope and blue electrical tape, being force-fed pimento loaf and Dark Eyes vodka by some chick behind you wearing latex gloves, with Rammstein blaring in the background and the stench of sour milk and stale goat's blood permeating the room, and the only two things in front of you are reruns of Simon & Simon dubbed over in German on a 13" black-and-white TV and two midgets in a 69 on some sort of make-shift altar. That's not so bad, right? Wrong, because both midgets are dudes and the chick behind you is a 75-year-old she-male dominatrix named Randy. True story. It happened to this guy I know named Kevin Juday (well, not the part about banging two strippers, and there were no drugs involved).

As you know, I haven't yet seen last night's The OC, so I am unable to provide useful insight about whether or not Marissa ate on screen. However, of note, is the fact that while bowling last night, my lovely wife Jessie shattered her previous high game by 24 pins, rolling a 151 in our final league game of the year. I've never been so proud of her. Never.

If you have not yet entered the GMYH OC pool about when Marissa will eat on screen, make sure you get your guess in by next Thursday at 9pm EST.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

OC Pool: When Will Marissa Eat?

Thanks to the ingenuity of GMYH reader Kara "When Will Marissa Eat?" Madrin, I have decided to start a little online OC pool.

Tonight's episode will be the 67th episode of The OC (I miscalculated in my earlier post to say that Marissa hasn't eaten in 56 episodes, but it's actually 66--don't worry, I corrected it). The modest task that is your charge is to predict which episode Marissa will finally break down and eat on screen. Please post a comment to this post with your prediction of the exact episode number in which you think Marissa will eat. The winner will receive an OC t-shirt, courtesy of GMYH.

Here are some rules:

  1. To be eligible for the Grand Prize, you must post a comment to this post. Your comment must include the following: (1) (a) Your real name (first and last) or a nickname that I know personally (any ambiguities in my mind will result in your entry being deleted) and/or (b) your e-mail address or a personal website at which you can be contacted (such as on MySpace), and (2) The exact future episode number in which you think Marissa will eat on screen.
  2. There is a limit of one entry per person.
  3. You may not guess the same episode number as someone who has previously guessed. Any duplicate entries will be deleted.
  4. You must guess an exact number larger than 66. There is no upper limit, but you must guess an exact number (i.e., if you think The OC will last 1000 episodes, you can guess 1000, but you can't guess "never," no matter how likely that is). Entries without an exact number will be deleted.
  5. If your entry has been deleted for any of the above reasons, you are free to guess again.
  6. The deadline for entries is Thursday March 16, 2006 at 9pm EST.
  7. The winning episode will be one in which Marissa eats on screen under her own power. Drinking doesn't count (even protein shakes or mudslides). Neither does a feeding tube. Having food in front of her doesn't count. Neither does the implication that she ate off screen. She must actually use her own hands to put food in her mouth, then chew, and then swallow on screen.
  8. If no one guessed the exact episode number, then the winner will be determined by Price Is Right rules: the winner will be the one with the closest guess without going over (i.e., if she eats in episode 134, and the two closest guesses are 135 and 131, the person who guessed 131 will win).
  9. The winner will receive the Grand Prize, which will be his or her choice of one of the following two items: (1) a Free Marissa t-shirt from www.freemarissatshirt.com; OR (2) an OC shirt from CafePress.com of the winner's choosing, not to exceed $25 (excluding tax and shipping).

It is the winner's responsibility to contact GMYH (i.e., post a comment) in order to claim his or her prize. The logistics of the prize will then be worked out between GMYH and the winner.

Good luck everyone.

The OC Returns

Well, it's been a month since the last new episode of The OC, and tonight is finally a new one again. I have a bowling league make-up game, so I will not be able to view it live. Thank God for DVRs. In case you don't remember what the shit is going on, here you go:
  1. The OC's Lolita (or should I say, L-OC-ita), Kaitlin Cooper, has left Newport and is back at boarding school, where she is no doubt experimenting with various opiates, stealing cash from fraternities, and learning how to play hide the cobra with any man who walks through the door. By the time we see her again in another 2 seasons, she will almost be 18, strung out, and as loose as Tara Reid.
  2. Johnny is dead. God it feels so good to write that.
  3. Johnny's cousin, Sadie, has arrived in Newport to help Johnny's mom deal with Johnny's death. (I don't know why she would be sad. After all, she doesn't have to look at his stupid hair anymore, she won't have to hear him whine about Marissa, and she can use what would have been his college money to get a makeover and a sweet dune buggy. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.) Anyway, Sadie, as you may recall, is a free-spirited hippie chick who needs an upper-lip waxing (and probably a lower-lip waxing too, if you know what I mean). She has already bonded with Ryan, which can only be trouble for the rest of the world (read: Volchok) because when it comes to protecting the people he cares about, Ryan Atwood won't hesitate to gut you with a wine bottle.
  4. Marissa's on-screen hunger strike is up to 66 episodes.
  5. Seth is still smokin' those tweeds, which for some reason has not made him funnier.

Here are the biggest remaining questions for the rest of the season:

  1. How soon before Teresa shows up with Ryan's baby? My guess is the last 10 seconds of the season finale, or maybe about 2 minutes before Ryan is supposed to leave for college.
  2. Will Ryan actually stray from Marissa to make out with a post-op tranny?
  3. Will my theory about the gang all going to college at mythical Cal U. come true? If not, will they all conveniently go to college in the LA/OC area? If they don't, what the hell is going to happen to The OC as we know it?
  4. Will we ever see the day when Marissa ingests food?
  5. How many surfers will Ryan have to kill before they get the point?

I Sold Out

It turns out that you can advertise on blogs with great ease, so I sold out. If you see anything that interests you on the advertisements, feel free to check it out. They're safe.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Extremely Important Note About Conference Tourney Predictions

Because you care, I'll be updating my predictions with red for the ones I get wrong and green for the ones I get right. Deal with it.

Hilarious SNL Natalie Portman Rap

It seems that hilarious fake rap songs are becoming SNL's forte. First, the Chronic-what-cles of Narnia, and now Natalie Portman hardcore gangsta rappin'. My favorite line: "I'll kill your f**kin' dog for fun, so don't push me," or "I'll sit right down on your face and take a sh*t." Kudos to Brian "The Who Bear" Alessandrini for sending me the link.

Other Conference Tournament Predictions

I've already been hounded with questions like, "Hey GMYH, what's with your Midwest bias?", "GMYH, why only Big Ten predictions?", and "Was that you in my bushes last night wearing night-vision goggles?" To quell any concerns of bias, I will give you my predictions for the other major conference tournaments (although without the insightful analysis as my Big Ten predictions).

ACC
Thursday - First Round
#8 Miami vs. #9 Clemson. Winner: Miami
#5 Florida State vs. #12 Wake Forest. Winner: Wake Forest
#6 Maryland vs. #11 Georgia Tech. Winner: Maryland
#7 Virginia vs. #10 Virginia Tech: Winner: Virginia Tech
Friday - Quarterfinals
#1 Duke vs. Miami. Winner: Duke
#4 NC State vs. Wake Forest. Winner: NC State
#3 Boston College vs. Maryland. Winner: Boston College
#2 North Carolina vs. Virginia Tech. Winner: UNC
Saturday - Semifinals
Duke vs. NC State. Winner: Duke
BC vs. UNC. Winner: BC
Sunday - Championship
Duke vs. BC. Winner: Duke

Big XII
Thursday - First Round
#8 Texas Tech vs. #9 Kansas State. Winner: Texas Tech
#5 Colorado vs. #12 Baylor. Winner: Colorado
#6 Nebraska vs. #11 Missouri. Winner: Missouri
#7 Oklahoma State vs. #10 Iowa State. Winner: Oklahoma State
Friday - Quarterfinals
#1 Texas vs. Texas Tech. Winner: Texas
#4 Texas A&M vs. Colorado. Winner: Colorado
#3 Oklahoma vs. Missouri. Winner: Oklahoma
#2 Kansas vs. Oklahoma State. Winner: Kansas
Saturday - Semifinals
Texas vs. Colorado. Winner: Texas
Oklahoma vs. Kansas. Winner: Oklahoma
Sunday - Championship
Texas vs. Oklahoma. Winner: Texas

Big East
Wednesday - First Round
#8 Cincinnati vs. #9 Syracuse. Winner: Syracuse
#5 Georgetown vs. #12 Notre Dame. Winner: Notre Dame
#6 Pittsburgh vs. #11 Louisville. Winner: Pitt
#7 Seton Hall vs. #10 Rutgers. Winner: Rutgers
Thursday - Quarterfinals
#1 UConn vs. Syracuse. Winner: UConn
#4 Marquette vs. Notre Dame. Winner: Notre Dame
#3 West Virginia vs. Pitt. Winner: Pitt
#2 Villanova vs. Rutgers. Winner: Villanova
Friday - Semifinals
UConn vs. Notre Dame. Winner: UConn
Villanova vs. Pitt. Winner: Villanova
Saturday - Championship
UConn vs. Villanova. Winner: Villanova

Pac-10
Wednesday - First Round
#8 Arizona State vs. #9 Oregon State. Winner: Oregon State
#7 Oregon vs. #10 Washington State. Winner: Oregon
Thursday - Quarterfinals
#1 UCLA vs. Oregon State. Winner: UCLA
#4 Arizona vs. #5 Stanford. Winner: Stanford
#3 Cal vs. #6 USC. Winner: USC
#2 Washington vs. Oregon. Winner: Washington
Friday - Semifinals
UCLA vs. Stanford. Winner: UCLA
USC vs. Washington. Winner: Washington
Saturday - Championship
UCLA vs. Washington. Winner: Washington

SEC
Thursday - First Round
#4E Vanderbilt vs. #5W Auburn. Winner: Vanderbilt
#3W Arkansas vs. #6E Georgia. Winner: Arkansas
#3E Kentucky vs. #6W Mississippi. Winner: Kentucky
#4W Mississippi State vs. #5E South Carolina. Winner: South Carolina
Friday - Quarterfinals
#1W LSU vs. Vanderbilt. Winner: LSU
#2E Florida vs. Arkansas. Winner: Florida
#2W Alabama vs. Kentucky. Winner: Kentucky
#1E Tennessee vs. South Carolina. Winner: Tennessee
Saturday - Semifinals
LSU vs. Florida. Winner: Florida
Kentucky vs. Tennessee. Winner: Tennessee
Sunday - Championship
Florida vs. Tennessee. Winner: Florida

Big Ten Tournament Predictions

The Chicago Tribune and the Chicago Sun-Times have of course picked Illinois (both over Ohio State in the final). The Detroit News has also picked Illinois (over Indiana). I say bollocks to all of this Ill-annoying nonsense. So here are the real predictions:

Thursday - First Round
#8 Penn State vs. #9 Northwestern (Noon EST, ESPN2). The Detroit News actually has Penn State going to the semifinals. While that would be sweet, it's about as likely as Kevin Federline winning a Grammy for PopoZao.
GMYH Prediction: Northwestern 57 Penn State 53.
#7 Michigan vs. #10 Minnesota (2:30 EST, ESPN2). The Sun-Times actually has Minnesota going to the semifinals. It's that kind of foresight that has made (and will keep) them the second-best major newspaper in Chicago. Michigan needs this victory to secure an NCAA tournament bid, and they'll be damned if a bunch of Nordic bastards will stand in their way.
GMYH Prediction: Michigan 70 Minnesota 64
#6 Michigan State vs. #11 Purdue (5:05 EST, ESPN2). No one has Purdue pulling the upset of MSU, and rightfully so. Purdue sucks.
GMYH Prediction: MSU 81 Purdue 63

Friday - Quarterfinals
#1 Ohio State vs. Northwestern (Noon EST, ESPN). A lot of people think OSU is ripe for the picking in this game because they really don't have much left to prove. A lot of people also voted for our President. Twice.
GMYH Prediction: OSU 69 Northwestern 59
#4 Wisconsin vs. #5 Indiana (2:30 EST, ESPN). IU is on a four-game winning streak, playing with nothing to lose and everything to gain for their dying coach, Mike Davis. Wisconsin is a bunch of overweight, cheese-curd-eating, sausage-ingesting has-beens.
GMYH Prediction: IU 72 Wisconsin 67
#2 Iowa vs. Michigan (6:40 EST, ESPN Plus). Iowa, gangly and awkward, should be able to make it past Michigan here. Led by 45-year-old Greg Brunner and 8th-year senior Jeff Horner, the Hawkeyes will be too much for the Wolverines.
GMYH Prediction: Iowa 71 Michigan 64
#3 Illinois vs. Michigan State (9:10 EST, ESPN Plus). Everyone is counting the Spartans out, but I think they have a legitimate shot at beating Illinois, even without Matt Trannon and Marquise Gray. When they're on, the trio of Paul Davis, Maurice Ager, and Shannon Brown is as dangerous as any other trio in the country. And they're still bitter about losing at home to the Illini last Saturday on Davis and Ager's Senior Night.
GMYH Prediction: MSU 67 Illinois 66

Saturday - Semifinals
Iowa vs. Michigan State (1:40 EST, CBS). As much as it sickens me, I'm going with Iowa in this one. Unlike Ron Jeremy, MSU can't go all that deep.
GMYH Prediction: Iowa 73 MSU 69
Ohio State vs. Indiana (4:05 EST, CBS). In a close one, the Hoosiers defeat the guy who they wish was their coach next year. Marco Killingsworth breaks Terence Dials's foot in retaliation for earlier in the year when Dials caused DJ White to break his foot, effectively ending IU's legitimate Final Four hopes and Mike Davis's tenure as IU's head coach.
GMYH Prediction: IU 76 OSU 74

Sunday - Championship
Iowa vs. Indiana (3:30 EST, CBS). Mike Davis vs. Steve Alford. It will be bedlam in Jose Canseco Fieldhouse. The Hoosier players will be unbelievably pumped for this one, anxious to prove that their current coach is just as good as the man so many in the media think will be their next coach. It will be a Battle-of-Bannockburn-style bloodbath, with the Hoosiers escaping with a victory and a 5-seed in the NCAA tournament.
GMYH Prediction: IU 72 Iowa 71

Andrei Kirilenko's Understanding Wife

In case you haven't read about this, here is a link to an article about the deal that Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko's wife, Masha, made with him (at the end of the article, Mike Greenberg (the author) asks you to tell your spouse about the article and ask them if they'd be open to such an arrangement, then email Mike and he'll publish the results of the survey next week).

Essentially, Masha (shown above with Andrei and their son Fedya) realized that women throw themselves at NBA players, so she is allowing Andrei one night a year where he can have sex with someone else. This arrangement brings to mind several questions:
  1. What does Fedya thinks about all this? Does he even want half-brothers and half-sisters?
  2. Is Andrei allowed to bring said one night stand home?
  3. Do hookers count?
  4. Does his free night only apply to when he's in the same area code as Masha, since the "different area code" rule allows him to cheat on her anyway if he's in a different area code than her?
  5. If Andrei gets a chick naked, then sobers up before doing the deed, does that count? What about if he gets a chick naked and she has a penis?
  6. Is is considered sex if he doesn't come, or is penetration considered sex? What about if he just sticks the tip in?
  7. Along those same lines, is oral sex, digital penetration, or a bad hand job (as if it's possible to have a good hand job) considered sex?
  8. Is Andrei allowed to use his free pass any day of the year (birthdays (his, Masha's, or Fedya's), wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve)?
  9. If he does choose New Year's Eve, and his hook-up starts before midnight, but ends after midnight, is that considered one year's worth of free sex or two?
  10. Is it still considered his one free night if Masha joins in on the action?
  11. Will Masha have any right to complain when Andrei gives her the clap?

I'm sure these logistical issues will be worked out in a hilariously awkward trial-and-error period in which both Andrei and Masha try to figure out what's okay and what's off-limits, sure to be documented in a reality show, probably on Fox. The tag line will be a confused Andrei, after Masha yells at him when she finds another woman's underwear in his gym bag, saying to Masha, "It's always about you isn't it? It's always Masha Masha Masha." Then he looks at the camera, shrugs, and smiles sheepishly. Then they get a divorce.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Former Big Ten Coaches Celebrity Look-Alikes

Well, my Big Ten Coaches Look-Alike post was such a smash hit that I have received at least one request to have a post with celebrity look-alikes for some former Big Ten coaches. So, here you go:

Bob Knight (Indiana)


Gene Keady (Purdue)*


*This completes the Purdue/Goonies sweep, with Matt Painter coming in as Sloth's twin.

Jud Heathcote (Michigan State)


Tom Davis (Iowa)


Lou Henson (Illinois)


Clem Haskins (Minnesota)

In Memorium: Superwoman

On the same day as Kirby Puckett's passing, Christopher Reeve's widow, Dana Reeves, died at age 44 from lung cancer. And what better way for Yahoo to honor her in her obituary article than by posting a picture of a bra-less Mrs. Reeve with her nipples screaming to escape her dress. You stay classy, Yahoo.

Monday, March 06, 2006

In Memorium: Kirby Puckett


The news that Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett died today just scrawled along ESPN's Bottom Line. From all I can tell, in addition to being one of the best baseball players of the last 20 years, he was a hell of a guy, at least in his playing days (apparently he pissed in a mall parking lot during retirement). Anyway, I'm not a Twins fan or anything like that, but it's still sad when someone dies of a stroke at age 45. Rest in peace, Kirby.

Big Ten Basketball Coaches Celebrity Look-Alikes

The Big Ten Conference, long considered by GMYH to be the best all-around conference in the NCAA, has eleven head men's basketball coaches. And all of them look like someone famous. Before the impending off-season coaching changes, I figured I would have a celebrity look-alike post. So, here you go:

Bruce Weber (Illinois)

Mike Davis (Indiana)

Steve Alford (Iowa)

Tommy Amaker (Michigan)

Tom Izzo (Michigan State)

Dan Monson (Minnesota)

Bill Carmody (Northwestern)

Thad Matta (Ohio State)

Ed DeChellis (Penn State)

Matt Painter (Purdue)

Bo Ryan (Wisconsin)