Elite Eight Lies

If someone can compare the Sweet 16 teams to the 16 songs on Poison's greatest hits album (frankly I'm pissed that I didn't think of it), then surely the same can be done for the Elite 8. I would have waited until the Final Four, but aside from Disc Two of The Allman Brothers Band's The Fillmore Concerts, I can't think of an album with only four songs on it. If you're lucky, sometime next week I'll compare the Final Four teams to "Hot 'Lanta," "Whipping Post," "Mountain Jam," and "Drunken Hearted Boy," but seriously, only if you're lucky.

Back to the Elite 8 comparison. What album could possibly merit such degradation? It was tough finding an album with only eight songs, since most albums these days have at least ten songs. Nonetheless, there are several possibilities:

Led Zeppelin's untitled fourth album (known to some as IV and to others as Zoso and to others as Runes and to others as )? I know it well, as do the masses, which makes it a strong candidate. However, no team is worthy of comparison to "Stairway to Heaven" (and I don't think there are any teams that, if played backwards, would arguably praise Satanism). Had I been making this comparison last year, I would have used this album for the sole fact that LSU would have been perfect for "When the Levee Breaks."

Bruce Springsteen's 1975 epic, Born to Run? Another one with mass popularity, although I don't think its subject matter meshes well with the NCAA tournament. Also, it would be an insult to Bruce Springsteen to compare Ohio State to any of the songs from this album.

Black Sabbath's Paranoid? Unfortunately, not everyone is as familiar with this album as I am. Sure, Memphis would be "Rat Salad" and Kansas would be "Electric Funeral." And I think we can all agree that UCLA would be "Hand of Doom." But frankly, I'm not comfortable with the notion that any remaining team fits squarely within the realm of "Jack the Stripper/Fairies Wear Boots," unless one of the teams was attacked by a gang of skinheads, in which case I am way off about the song's applicability.

The Rolling Stones's Forty Licks? No, that has thirty-two songs too many.

Captain Beefheart & His Magical Band's 1968 sophomore effort, Strictly Personal? I eliminated this from contention because I have to be honest. This will probably come as a surprise to you, but I have never heard a single song from this album. In fact, I'm embarrassed to say that I have only heard one Captain Beefheart song in my life -- which I'm sure all of you are familiar with -- "She's Too Much For My Mirror" off of 1970's Trout Mask Replica. I know Strictly Personal is probably the most popular of all the eight-song albums, but I have to pass based on my own unfamiliarity with it.

I know what you're thinking: "GMYH, not only can I not believe your lack of knowledge about Strictly Personal, but you're forgetting about one of the greatest eight-song albums of all-time! I hate you so much right now." Fair reader, I have not forgotten. For I was just getting to that. More appropriate than any other eight-song album I can think of is Guns N' Roses's eight-song follow-up to Appetite for Destruction, 1988's GN'R Lies. As I'm sure you know, the first four songs were live songs recorded in 1986, before GN'R got big, and the second four are acoustic songs, recorded in the studio.

Reckless Life - Ohio State
Like the subject matter of the song, OSU is both young and energetic. Both Greg Oden and Mike Conley, Jr. hold "million dollar visions," and hopefully both of them will go to the NBA after this season is over.

I lead a reckless life
And I don't need your advice

This line seems to suit Oden, who has been fairly unwilling to listen to people telling him to go to the NBA, meanwhile leading a reckless student life at OSU taking such classes as basketball. Yep, basketball. That is what I call reckless.

Nice Boys - Memphis
This Rose Tattoo cover is out of control and reeks of decadence and self-indulgence.

I'm not a nice boy, and I never was
. . .
But now she lays in a filthy room
She kills the pain with a fuck and a spoon

I can't think of a better song to describe John Calipari and Memphis, both of whom have been shady for a long time now. You may recall Memphis (then Memphis State) had to vacate their 1985 Final Four appearance because of NCAA infractions. There's something about John Calipari that screams "I run a dirty program." Maybe it was the 1996 Final Four appearance at UMass that was vacated because of NCAA infractions. I know, I know. It's tough to believe that Marcus Camby to accepted $28,000 from sports agents under Calipari's watchful eye. Where were Padilla and Travieso on that one?

In late 2004, several Memphis players had their apartment broken into. They told the police that over $60,000 worth of possessions were stolen, including $2,500 worth of diamond jewelry, $4,000 in custom made shirts, $6,000 in SHOES, and well over $40,000 in -- wait for it -- FUR COATS. There are three -- and only three -- possibilities here: (1) they were all fashion design majors and made their own fur coats, designer shirts, and designer shoes; (2) they were lying their asses off; or (3) outside of Pau Gasol, they are the best-paid basketball players in Memphis. Fuck and a spoon, my friends. Fuck and a spoon.

Move to the City - Oregon
In this year's tournament, as the lowest remaining seed (a 3 -- egad!), they're the school that doesn't belong in the Elite 8. Thus, like the main character in the song, they packed their bags to move to the city (St. Louis, in this case), only to discover that it's not all shits and giggles, considering they have to play defending champ Florida. Plus, out of all the teams left, they are the most faceless (if that makes sense at all), without a household name or a household reputation. Thus, they tend to get swallowed up by the other seven teams. But that's what they wanted. They, they had to move to the city.

Mama Kin - Florida
This Aerosmith cover starts out with the most defining lyric of the song:

It ain't easy livin' like a gypsy

My grandma hated gypsies. They steal babies and goats from good, hardworking people. It is for these reasons that I'm positive she would have hated this year's Florida Gators. Unless and until you can prove to me that Joakim Noah does not put hexes on other teams after stealing and sacrificing their chickens, then I will refuse to believe otherwise.

Patience - UCLA
This has to be UCLA, given their plodding, deliberate style of play. Plus, I think I heard that Ben Howland loves to whistle. Additionally, I am under the assumption that the streets on UCLA's campus have not changed, but, baby, the names . . . have. I ain't got time for this game.

Used to Love Her - Kansas
I feel like Kansas might be the most overrated "elite" basketball program, considering they've won two national titles, just as many as the likes of NC State, UConn, Louisville, Cincinnati, Michigan State, Oklahoma A&M (now Oklahoma State), and the University of San Francisco. Nonetheless, Kansas is always mentioned as one of the top basketball programs. Thus, I would be much happier if Kansas was dead, and it brings me great pleasure every year when Kansas loses to a lower-seeded team. Eat it Naismith.

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
. . .
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way
. . .
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

After dealing with Kansas fans during their first round game, it also appears to me that they might be the type of fans who whine when the smallest thing doesn't go their way. For instance, they were up by 40 and still bitching about a foul that was called. Speaking of still being able to hear people complain, if Illinois was still in the tournament, I'm not sure there have ever been words sung by William Axl Rose Bailey that more accurately reflect an NCAA team's fan base than the last stanza quoted up there.

You're Crazy - North Carolina
Tyler Hansbrough, aka "Psycho T," alone gives UNC enough crazy to garner the "You're Crazy" title. The look in his eyes after he was elbowed in the nose a few weeks ago by Duke's Gerald Henderson suggested that he's "fuckin' crazy," in the words of the song.

I've been lookin' for a trace
Lookin' for a heart
Lookin' for a lover in the world that's much to dark
You don't want my love
You want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another
Piece of the action

No one wants or needs UNC's love. Furthermore, it seems like UNC is always "lookin' for a heart." You didn't look at this year's North Carolina team and think, "Man, those guys have a ton of heart. They sure are scrappy." No, you thought, "Man, that Hansbrough kid sure is fuckin' crazy." The song also explains why so many UNC players leave school early to enter the NBA draft: trying to find themselves another piece of the action.

One in a Million - Georgetown
I actually feel bad having to compare any team to this song, since the song itself is controversial and manages to offend just about every demographic. Having said that, Georgetown was the only team left, so I will try to force some sort of comparison.

You know we tried to reach you
But you were much too high

Georgetown is located in Washington, DC. Marion Barry was once (twice) mayor of Washington, DC. Marion Barry was caught on tape smoking crack while he was the mayor. Thus, if someone had been trying to call him at that point, he probably would have been much too high. The song also mentions immigrants. Patrick Ewing is originally from Jamaica. His son, Patrick Ewing, Jr., currently plays for Georgetown, and once played at Indiana. Axl Rose is from Indiana, and he said that the song is about his frequent bus trips from Indiana to LA during the period of time before GN'R got famous. So there you go. You are undoubtedly dumber for having read this.