It's been a few weeks. Get ready to deal with this:
Bitter 27-year-old male, to waitress: "Which one do you recommend, the Black Forest sandwich or the Mahi Mahi sandwich?"
Waitress: "I really like the Black Forest sandwich."
Bitter male: "I'll have the Mahi Mahi."
--Beavercreek, OH, Fox & Hound
Drunk 26-year-old female Iowa alum: "Dude whatever, fuck that. I'd fuck Julie Cooper. She's hot." (several minutes later) "Dude, what the fuck? She's fuckin' hot. I'd fuck her. It's cool. Don't even worry about it. And I would."
--Chicago, Fadó Irish Pub, Clark & Grand
Eavesdroppers: RDC, Gregerson
Two girls whose conversation to this point has NOTHING to do with cats:
Girl 1: "Oh I totally love corn puffs. I eat them all the time, I totally love them."
Girl 2: "Yea, I'm so all over cocoa puffs. Cats love cocoa puffs."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Crowded bar. Asshole in blue Duke bandanna and sweatshirt trying to convince so-so girl to come home with him:
Duke Douche: "I just can't believe how well my life is going. I mean, I'm one year out of school and I'm going to top six figures."
Girl: "Wow, that's great."
Duke Douche: "I mean, I'm one year out of school, and I made 30,000 in January alone."
Girl: "Nice work."
Burly Guy (turning around): "Dude are you seriously talking about how much money you made last month?"
Duke Douche (sizing up, then dismissing Burly Dude): "Envy is ugly, guy."
Burly Guy: "Get the fuck out of my bar."
Duke Douche: "Real funny, guy. Get lost."
Burly Guy (waving to someone): "There's two ways this can go down. One, you walk out of here. Two, this guy throws you out of here."
Duke Douche: "Fuck off, dude, seriously. How much can I pay you to fuck off?"
Burly Guy: "I own this fucking place. You've been paying me all night, assface."
[Bouncer grabs guy by back of pants and back of shirt and hustles him through the crowd, then out the door. Girl watches, barely interested.]
Burly Guy (yelling after him): "Never come back here, you cocksucker. Not tomorrow, not in a year. I never forget a cocksucker I kick out of my bar!"
--Chicago, Mad River Bar & Grill, Sheffield & George
Two twentysomething females browse DVDs, discussing which movies to buy:
Girl 1: "Why don't you get on the guide to the 1000 best movies ever?"
Girl 2: "Because I think that's too many."
--Chicago, Border's, Clark & Broadway
26-year-old female, while discussing with friends whether it would be better to have a tapeworm or be pregnant: "I'd rather have a tapeworm. I'd feel less guilty about killing it."
--Chicago, in a car
Eavesdroppers: RDC and Gregerson
Partner: "I'm leaving tomorrow for Colorado."
Associate: "Oh, where are you going?"
Partner: "Colorado Springs."
Associate: "That's one of my favorite cities."
Partner: "Oh really. Why?"
Associate: "I think I was conceived there."
--Chicago, law office, Wacker & Madison
Receptionist: "So what are you in town for? Going out with friends?"
Student: "Nah, I went out last night. Tonight I have to head back to school."
Receptionist: "Oh, that's too bad. How is school going?"
Student: "Pretty well, it's almost over, suddenly."
Receptionist: "Do you like it?"
Student: "Sometimes. Other times I sit in class and kind of want to--"
Receptionist: "I have a really cute niece. She just graduated from U of I."
Student: "--Uh, oh, yeah? What does... she... um, do?"
Receptionist: "She works for a PR firm."
Student: "That's, um... great. Cool. Yeah, cool."
--Chicago, law firm, Washington & Wacker
Thanks to everyone who contributed. Keep those ears open. When you overhear something funny, email it to email@example.com for inclusion in the next mindnumbingly hilarious edition of Midwestern Eavesdropping.