So I get to work on Friday, and I'm wearing a light blue sweater and khakis. This fact guaranteed that another attorney asked me to cover a hearing in court for her. I explained what I was wearing, and she stopped by my office. Upon realizing that I had a suit coat hanging on the backside of my door, she said something like, "It's just foreclosure court. No one will care." And with that, I was off to court in a sweater and sport coat, looking like some hip, young college professor, not unlike Professor Jeremiah Lasky (Associate Professor of Anthropology at California University), although Kelly Kapowski did not appear to have any interest in me and I do not have an adorable daughter named Abby. In due time.
So I'm on the Yahoo home page, minding my own damn business, when there is a link to an article about "5 Conversation Starters." Since I haven't had to start a conversation with a woman in the better part of a decade, I figured I'd check it out to see what people without anyone special in their lives are forced to endure these days. The guy that wrote the article is named David Wygant, and his picture suggests that he eats more shit than pussy. Also, his denim shirt suggests that he may be Canadian or sent to the future from 1993 to administer terrible dating advice. Either way, he is not to be trusted. His suggestion is to use "props" in your environment to spark conversation. Aside from the fact that this technique essentially makes you a Kenny Banya to an otherwise more clever man's Jerry Seinfeld, I think an examination of his five starters will prove to be a worthwhile exercise.
1. "She has a great dog, so you pet the dog and ask, 'What's your dog's name?' Obviously she will tell you, to which you can comment on how sweet the dog is and the conversation should naturally unfold."
The first flaw I see in this is that it only works if she has a "great dog." Unfortunately a lot of people own pugs and schnauzers. What then? "Hey, what's your dog's name?" "Misty." "Oh, it's, uh, very, uh, ass-faced. But you're hot. I think we should go back to my place and engage in sexual intercourse, but only after we murder your dog."
Also, how the hell can you even tell if it's a "great dog"? Looks can be deceiving when it comes to dogs. My dog, for instance, is probably hands-down the best looking dog ever to grace this Earth. It's a fact. But it's also autistic, hates men, and will chew any shoe if given the opportunity. I also know a golden retriever that probably seems like a "great dog" if you saw him outside. But then that big-headed bull in a china shop gets inside and cannot go more than three steps without knocking something over with its hydrocephalous melon or plank-like tail that is constantly wagging.
Third, commenting on "how sweet the dog is" may unintentionally throw the gay vibe out there.
Fourth, I fail to see how the conversation will "naturally unfold" after that. It's a lot easier to ask a hot chick if you can pet her dog than getting her to let you pet her cat. And by "cat" I mean vagina. The very same vagina that you will never see because you are literally one of hundreds of men each day who asks to pet her dog and tries to hit on her. Ergo, the conversation will naturally unfold as such:
You: "What's your dog's name?"
You: "Your dog is so sweet."
Her: "Thanks. [pulling dog's leash] C'mon Mongo, let's go."
You (as she's walking away): "So, would you, like, maybe wanna get coffee or something sometime?"
She pretends not to hear you and fails to turn around, hoping to God that when she gets home you will not have followed her, although if you do, a knife is also a really good prop with which to start a conversation with a hot chick.
2. You're in a café and she has a newspaper. You can ask, 'Do you mind if I read that section when you're done?' When she gives it to you, ask, 'Anything exciting I should read first?'"
Are you kidding me? First of all, hot chicks don't read the newspaper. They read People and Us Weekly, and maybe the Red Eye, which you can get for free and she will probably tell you that.
Second, what kind of an asshole walks up to a girl at a restaurant (or "café") and asks for something he can walk outside and pay 50 cents for? Oh, I know: the kind of guy that a girl reading a newspaper in a café would not date or give a section of her paper to.
Third, what happens when this imaginary hot chick with a newspaper in a café says "no" when you ask her if there's "anything exciting" in today's paper? Do you follow up like a tool and ask, "Really? Nothing exciting? Hmmm? Hmmm?" while raising and lowering your eyebrows? Probably not because after she gives you the Style section, she is going to get up and leave immediately.
3. On an airplane, ask to borrow a pen. If you're feeling really courageous, once you've got her pen, shake her hand and say very seriously, 'Nice to meet you, I'm ranked #2 among America's Most Wanted Pen Thieves. Ever seen it?' Sure it's kinda cheesy, but it's also the kind of off-the-wall thing women love.
First of all, sitting right next to a hot chick on a plane who has a pen will happen about as often as an unassisted triple play. Now if Wygant were to offer some advice on how to approach a 350-pound man whose side flab is encroaching on your armrest WITHOUT making him think you're hitting on him, then we might have something of use.
Second, no one who is the #2 pen thief in America is going to blow his cover. Once you feed her that line, she will just ask for the pen back, and when you don't give it to her, alert the authorities.
Third, as long as you're building a relationship on lies and superficialities, why settle for #2? It just makes you sound like you're not the best at what you do.
Fourth, "pen thief" is on par with "lamp shade salesman" as far as making a woman moist.
Fifth, "Ever seen it?" is not a natural progression from the previous sentence because "I'm ranked #2 among America's Most Wanted Pen Thieves" does not sound like you're referring to a TV show, so "Ever seen it?" is a bit confusing. A better follow-up would be any of the following:
-"Say a word to anyone and this pen goes straight into your jugular."
-"I also steal babies."
-"But Moriarty's got a little surprise coming, if you know what I mean, so I should be number one within the hour."
-"In the last year alone, I stole over 75,000 pens. This might explain why I haven't been on a date in that same time span and have to resort to lying to strangers on airplanes."
-"As you can see, I have Down Syndrome."
-"The only thing that will stop me is if I join the Mile High Club, but I just haven't found a woman brave enough to save society from my wrath. Until now, that is."
-"My name is Ozzy Osbourne."
4. "At a diner, ask her if you can borrow the salt from her table. When she gives it to you, say, 'Thanks, I saw you eyeballing it so I thought I'd help out by removing the temptation for you. Salt is very bad for you, ya know,' as you proceed to douse your own food with it -- another one that's sure to get some laughs."
You might as well follow that up with "And I don't masturbate twice a day either."
5. In a bank line, you can even use the lack of customer service on the part of the tellers as a prop. Why? Because it gives you something to talk about -- that's exactly what props are for.
This is about as insightful (and probably as effective) as "How 'bout this weather we're having? Did you know that I love you?" Here's how I see this bank conversation going:
(you're standing behind some hot chick named Her)
You: "Man, what a lack of customer service."
(no response from Her)
You: "You know what I mean?"
(Her does a half turn)
Her: "Oh, were you talking to me?"
You: "Yeah, I was just saying, 'what a lack of customer service.'"
Her: "Oh. Yeah, it's busy today."
You: "Now that we've established a rapport, I think we should go out."
(Her takes out pepper spray and maces the shit out of you)
Possibly a Terrible Idea
I've been toying with the idea of listening to all of my CDs in alphabetical order while I'm at work (excluding Hair Band Fridays, which will always remain dedicated solely to hair band music). This will allow me to rebut Jessie's repeated presumption that I "have too many CDs" (not like that's possible anyway) and that I "don't even listen to half of them." In addition, it will allow me to rediscover some of the CDs that I haven't listened to in a while -- hell, I don't even listen to half of them anyway. The problem is that with over 500 CDs, this may take a while. I figure that most albums are around 45 minutes. Thus, assuming I could listen to music for 8 hours every day at work, I could listen to an average of 10.67 CDs a day. Assuming I have around 530 CDs (I'm counting double albums as 2 CDs), it would take me about 50 days to accomplish this task, which is ten full working weeks. Another problem is that I don't really want to listen to the full soundtrack for The Natural. That alone may prevent me from going forward.
First Three Albums of the Day
It's Hair Band Friday
-Mötley Crüe - Greatest Hits
-Warrant - Cherry Pie
-Guns N' Roses - Appetite for Destruction