Sunday, January 13, 2008

"Every time I look in the mirror I can't help but think how attractive you are."

Have you ever had that feeling that the woman you married is just a little bit too much like you? Neither have I, since, as far as I know, Jessie isn't funding rhino poachers or hiding cat corpses in our crawlspace. But apparently there may be an issue out there for some people, as a pair of long-lost twins in Britain unknowingly married each other. They were separated at birth and then adopted by separate families, and neither knew that he/she had a twin. They found out that they were twins AFTER they got married (and got the marriage annulled).

Sweet Jesus, that's a tough pill to swallow. "I guess that explains why little Billy is a cyclops." Seriously, though, can you imagine the absolute horror you would feel when you find out the woman you have been fucking for the past five years, who you think is hot, who you planned to spend the rest of your life with, and who you planned to impregnate several times over, is your sister?! Talk about an awkward conversation to have.
W (after vomiting several times): "I just got off the phone with Dr. Rosenrosen."
H: "What is it? Are you pregnant?"
W: "Not exactly. You're gonna want to sit down for this."
(H sits next to wife)
H: "What is it, honey?"
W (after vomiting again): "Over there would be better. And please don't call me that anymore."

The next hour would be much like when Ace Ventura finds out that Einhorn is Finkle. And it's not like you can console each other with a hug because now it's creepy. And then you would have to deal with your buddies asking you if they can date your ex-wife, "you know, now that she's your sister and all." I'm not sure I could recover from that. As Christoff said when I sent him the story, "I couldn't hang myself fast enough." Personally, I don't know if I could ever touch a woman again, not that any woman would want to be with me, since I had previously been married to my sister (which I assume is a deal breaker for most women). I would move as far away from her as possible, I would wear only black robes with hoods to hide my sister-fucking face, ravens and crows would land on my shoulders as I walked down the street, and I would haunt children. That's what I would do.

This, of course, leads to the inevitable question: what's worse, finding out that the woman you're banging is a man or finding out that the woman your banging is your sister?

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