Nine Oh Two One Aw Hell Yeah

Well, I finally had a chance to watch the series premier of the new 90210. I was a late-blooming fan of the original 90210, first dismissing it as nothing more than fodder for Midwestern girls who dreamt futily of shopping on Rodeo Drive and closeted junior high homosexuals who liked sideburns and bushy eyebrows, but eventually I came around to appreciate it for what it was: the most realistic television show this side of Bosom Buddies. Since The OC -- which RULED -- was forced off the air by jealous non-Emmy winners and Washington fat cats, there has been a definite void in my already black heart. I can't say that I'm going to be as big a "new 90210" fan as I was an OC fan, but, to paraphrase Chazz Michael Michaels, no exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more than I loved The OC.

So far, so good, though. The ladies are hot, including Lori Loughlin (of Uncle Jesse's wife in Full House fame). The plotlines are establishing themselves. The Wilsons are the new Walshes. Kansas is the new Minnesota. Lacrosse is the new water polo (yes, I know that was from The OC, but damn I miss that show). The Peach Pit is back. Nat is back (in the immortal words of Yeh, "Joe Tata? More like po-tata."). Brenda is back. Kelly is back. And Jessica Walter plays a hilarious, boozehound matriarch, which is kind of a stretch, given her role as Lucille in Arrested Development.

I'm looking forward to how they tackle such issues as:

• Teen pregnancy
• Teen necrobestiality
• Geriatric pregnancy
• More hilarious pranks on rival high schools involving pigs. You're next, Valley!
• The politics of lacrosse
• Whether Mrs. Wilson likes to walk around the house buck naked
• The prominence of Gushers in high school lunches
• Eastern Bloc vampire surfers: a necessary evil?
• The relative ease of driving vs. flying to West Beverly High
• Heroin!
• Whether there are "lacrossetitutes" at West Beverly like there were at Harbor Academy
• The rise of the proletariat
• Lesbian three-ways amongst drunk and curious high school girls
• Tsunami relief
• Whether everyone who graduates from West Beverly still goes to California U (and is Bob Golic still an RA there?)
• Is anyone's dad gay?
• Is anyone's mom slutty?
• Does gay dad trump slutty mom in Beverly Hills?
• Van Halen vs. Van Hagar
• Bioterrorism
• And just how do you talk to an angel? Oops, wrong early '90s Spelling teen drama, although it was, and still is, a very legitimate question.

I must also give a well-deserved shout-out to ESPN.com's Matthew Berry for combining a discussion of 90210 with fantasy football. Well done, sir.