Heavy Metal Band Name Flow Chart

What better way to kick off Hair Band Friday than with some metal. A couple days ago Greg Weeser* sent me a link to a highly detailed heavy metal band name flow chart, which accurately and ably demonstrates that most, if not all, heavy metal band names fall into five main categories: Deadly Things, Death, Animals, Religion, and Badass Misspellings. Of course, as the chart shows, there are many sub-categories, and there is inevitably some overlap.

Some of my favorite names include:

Anal Apocalypse. Ouch! Actually, I think that's a fair description of what happened the one time I downed two Bamba's burritos in one night.

Angel Queef. Is that even possible? Surely it would smell like heaven. Thhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Baal's Balls. I think Accept should do a tribute to these guys called "Baal's Balls to the Wall."

Bloody Wall of Gore. I would think all walls of gore would be bloody. I also think Accept should do a tribute to these guys called "Balls to the Bloody Wall of Gore." Sure, it's unclean, but they're already putting their balls to a wall anyway, so it's not like they're worried about hygiene.

Corncob Rape. Ouch! Actually, I think that's a fair description of what happened the one time I got raped with a corncob. See also, Anal Apocalypse.

Dëthkløk. You would think these guys have to be a Norwegian black metal band, but they are apparently a virtual/real band on Adult Swim.

Fetüs. Everything's cooler with umlauts, even unborn womb raiders. And, with that, I will be developing a first-person video game called Womb Raider about a hormonal frat guy who hates condoms, but he just can't seem to keep his dick in his pants or his ladyfriends out of the clinic. Rated M for Mature.

Lawnmower Deth. These guys must be pretty big fans of Sleepaway Camp 3. As am I, Lawnmower Deth. As am I.

Mexican Santa. Wouldn't that just be Santa?

My Dying Bride. Awwwww!

Satan's Awkward Gropings. As opposed to Satan's welcome and comforting gropings.

Thine Eyes Bleed. Well then how come I'm able to see this keyboard?

Most importantly, how have I not known there's a band called Angel Queef? I must acquaint myself with their entire catalogue. In keeping with one of my resolutions for this, the Year of Feelin' Fine, I will use the term "angel queef" when appropriate, which will actually be a surprising (and disturbing) number of times.