Well, folks, we made it to 2009, and thank God (or whatever deity you may believe in). 2008 pretty much sucked. Sure, there were bright spots (Obama, Chinese Democracy, Cubs choke in spectacular fashion yet again in the playoffs, Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impression, summer), but for the most part 2008 was a bust. The economy tanked. The housing market all but collapsed. Josh Schwartz and McG refused to take my calls. The IU basketball program imploded. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson procreated. Hurricane Gustav. Hurricane Hanna. Hurricane Ike. Mav and Goose lose to Link. The IU football team broke my heart for the 14th time in the past 15 years. Banks failed. Nobody was kung fu fighting (whereas, in the past, everybody was). Detroit. The Hottie & The Nottie. Santa resorts to mass murder. More corruption in the Illinois executive branch. Israel bombs Gaza. The Bears bring home nada. South Ossetia. Client Nine. Lehman Brothers. Mumbai. Santa Claus. Senate payoff. AIDS. Crack. Bernie Madoff. Somali pirates off the shores. Frozen water found on Mars. Cancelled trips to Myanmar. I can't take it anymore.
But get that double barrel out of your mouth, John Travolta, because before the ball (or balls) dropped on New Years Eve, I proclaimed 2009 to be The Year of Feelin' Fine™. After the disappointment and dread of 2008, we need a change in 2009, which is why I'm imploring everyone to do everything in their power to feel fine in oh-nine, whether that means drinking more, smoking more, having more (and more powerful) orgasms, or buying more houses.
Here are my resolutions for the Year of Feelin' Fine:
-Start some shit
-Expend more calories than I take in
-Save no money, in order to boost the economy
-Digitize all of my CDs
-Bring back "queef," "wuzzaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" and "know what I mean, Vern?"
-Play Asshole at least once with and once without the controversial "ISU Rules"
-Become the junior Senator from Illinois
-Ask only rhetorical questions
-Work my way up to master falconer
-Finish that fucking book I've been working on for two and half years
-Get a nude portrait of myself hung at Old Town Ale House
-Ski the K-12
-Wear bandanas less often
-Continue to beat anorexia
-Start shooting Excedrin Migraine for quicker, more intense hangover relief
-Breed a wolphin with a liger
-Eat ribs at Twin Anchors
-Dance with myself
-Write, produce, direct, and star in GMYH: The Musical
-Along with Tron, write, produce, and direct (but not star in) a series of porns taking place on the Metra. The "Getting Railed" series will include, but will not be limited to "High Speed Rail," "Bringing Up the Caboose," "Juice in the Caboose," "One Way, Round Trip, Three Way?," "Fucka Fucka You You," "Laying Tracks," "Hard Commute," and, of course, "All Aboard!"
-Put something on YouTube, preferably something involving vampires
-Smoke more often when I am sober
-Attend at least four weddings
-End some shit