Sorority House Fashion Massacre

So I'm minding my business on Yahoo's homepage last week, about to search for some work-appropriate literotica, when I see a link (this is one of Yahoo's top four stories at the time, mind you) called "Secret sorority style rules." Thinking I might have found what I was looking for, I clicked on the article. While it wasn't what I had hoped, I did learn that the Pi Phi house at Cornell has a "style guide" for its pledges, authored by the rush chair.

This got still-bitter GDI Jennifer Romolini's panties (Hanes, no doubt) in a bunch, enough so that she wrote an article lambasting the well-groomed and immaculately dressed women of Pi Beta Phi. It's as if Romolini is completely shocked that a sorority (at an Ivy League school, no less) is superficial, elitist, and vain. From what I could tell, that's pretty much why sororities exist: to further the cause of elitism and vanity on college campuses. Hell, there were sororities at IU who would make their pledges do sit-ups before dinner each night. It's too bad the Pi Phis at Cornell aren't as concerned about the physical health of their pledges as they are about their clothing and upper lip hair.

Let's take a gander at some of these allegedly horrifying fashion suggestions (for the full "guide," click here):

Clothes and accessories

No watches with timers or any kind of Indiglo light are allowed. ("I will have the time to keep you informed, so unless your watch is a piece of jewelry, you don't need it. Put on a bangle.")
But what if the pledges want to have a 600-yard dash? How will we know who's the best? Also, I assume the second sentence meant "The Bangles" and not "a bangle." Manic Monday, indeed!

Pi Phi members should not wear satin unless they weigh under 130 pounds or the piece is from Dolce & Gabbana or Betsey Johnson.
Frankly, I think they could have just stopped after the word "satin." I don't know who Betsey Johnson is, but she must be the chick in the house with the classiest satin dresses. I am concerned about the implication that Pi Phi has members who are over 130 pounds. Perhaps they need Jillian Michaels more than they need advice about wearing satin.

No American Apparel leggings.
So they don't want their pledges to look like undernourished, sullen, vaguely foreign models who bend over in front of mirrors?

"No cropped pants. Ugh."
Aren't all pants cropped at some point? I guess it would be hilarious to see a bunch of 129-pound chicks walking around campus, tripping over really long pant legs that hang down under their satin dresses.

No "frumpy" clothes or "muffin top."
No one likes 19-year-olds who dress like 50-year-olds, and, likewise, muffin tops are generally uncouth, unless, of course, she is talking about the food. In that case, they are surprisingly high in calories.

"Booties ok if you can pull them off, aka probably not."
Thank you! Someone realizes that women look ridiculous in boots. Uggs are an abortion.

"I expect everyone to be wearing accessories. This is an important part of every outfit and can make or break any ensemble."
"Accessories" is pretty vague, and this could be construed by some literalists as a command to wear people who have aided in the commission of crimes. That would definitely break an ensemble.

"Bangles need to coordinate."
Of course Susanna Hoffs and Vicki Peterson are going to coordinate. Otherwise, the harmonies on "In Your Room" would seem forced.

"I'm not saying you have to wear a Harry Winston wreath, but I am saying I won't tolerate any gross plastic shizzzz. I love things on wrists and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced."
Who the fuck wears wreaths? Is Harry Winston a local Ithaca arborist? This all seems a little too Christmas-centric for me. Then again, I doubt Pi Phi lets in Jews (or any non-Anglicans, for that matter). And what's with the "shizzzz," Snoop Dogg? Sounds like someone's been hanging out in Kings County! You know who else loves things on wrists and demands earrings? Hitler. And Andy Bernard.

Makeup and grooming

No chapped lips or mustaches.
I can't believe a sorority wants its members not to look like dudes with bloody lips.

"Blush is not optional."
This reminds me of something my pledge trainer O'Shea Jackson once told me: "Pimpin' ain't easy, but it's necessary." Same concept.

Hair must be "freshly colored."
I can understand that a sorority would not want its members to have green or purple hair, or any other color popular in the devil-may-care 1980s, although this seems somewhat at odds with this chick's Bangles fetish.

"You best have a mani/pedi when you get to Ithaca."
After all, Ithaca is gorges. Ah-thank you!

I think the best part is the university's response. When alerted to this attempt to beautify the campus, the university more or less said, "Who fucking cares?" Agreed.