British Invasion

So Daughter turned ten months' old, which is insane. She said her first word the other day. It was "eeeaaggyaattthhh," which I think is Welsh for either heroin or maritime law. I'm pretty sure she also said "Gogol Bordello."

Oddly, she recently started to style her hair in kind of mod pixie do, much like Twiggy, although I think Daughter has a few pounds on Twiggy. Now that she's starting to get a personality and laugh and talk and all that shit, Jester and I have been asking ourselves some serious questions about how we're going to raise Daughter. What religion should we push on her? How soon before we tell her about Pop Rocks? What accents should we begin to speak with? When should we get her her own cell phone? What type of music should we blare at night to drown out other noises, to allow her to sleep soundly? After several days of debate, we decided on Wicca, never, British and high country Romanian, already did, and Captain Beefheart.

We've decided to raise Daughter as a British Wiccan. Mysticism is something that every child craves, and dialectical confusion is something that will make her strong, patient, and hilarious. Our hope is that Daughter will become a maenad. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "GMYH, there aren't any British maenads." To which I would reply, "What's a maenad?" And then you'd say, "You're the one who said maenad." And then I'd say "Touché." It doesn't have to make sense because I am the King of the World.

I've taken to interpreting her expressions. Here's what she's saying.

"Oh Dionysus, I've fallen into such melancholy in your absence."

"Mum, put away the crisps. Some bloke called Nigel just rang me, and he's on his way to pick me up in his lorry."

"That was my favourite advert for tyres, although most Carpathians thought it was mad."

"Five quid for a package of biscuits? Are you daft?"

"I've eaten too many bangers, and now I need to use the loo. Bollocks to this queue!"

"Did you see that Stone Roses show at Hammersmith Odeon? It was massive."

"An elephant upon my head? Jolly good!"

"Don't be a bloody wanker!"