Song Dissection: "Riptide" by Vance Joy

One of the catchiest songs from 2014 was Vance Joy's indie folk (?) hit, "Riptide."  I like the song a lot, and I have found the lyrics very intriguing since the first time I heard it, so I figured "Riptide" is a good specimen for a Song Dissection.  After all, wouldn't you like to know the meaning of "Riptide"?  Don't worry, I figured it out.

Joy's story is somewhat interesting.  He played professional Australian Rules Football in a mid-level Aussie Rules league for a few years before deciding to pursue a career in music.  "Riptide" is by far his most successful song to date (and I think his debut song in the U.S.), hitting the Top 10 in five countries as well as #30 on the Billboard Hot 100 charts and #1 on the Billboard Alternative Songs charts.

I caught the last few songs of Joy's set at Lollapalooza last year.  As you might imagine, he ended with "Riptide."  When the first few notes started to play, everything within earshot that had a vagina started waving its hands in the air and sprinting towards the stage, called to action by their red-headed master. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but the more I listened to the lyrics, the more I realized that this innocent-sounding ukulele-driven pop song is, in fact, something much more sinister.  I'll show you what I mean.  Lyrics are in yellow, and I won't repeat identical verses.

I was scared of dentists and the dark

In the first line, he's already using dark imagery.  Are there dentists in the dark?  Are they evil?  Are they trying to extract teeth in the dark?  If so, that sounds dangerous, and I might be scared of that too.  Otherwise, I don't think you have any rational reason to fear the dentist.

I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations

So lower your standards and get drunk.

Oh, all my friends are turning green

This would be a concern.

You're the magician's assistant in their dream

That's a weird thing for several different people to have the same dream, but fine.  By the tone of the line, I am assuming he is talking to a girl (whether she's pretty or not is unclear), and I think he thinks he's the magician.  But what kind of magician?

Oh, and they come unstuck

Oh, okay.  This has no context, since "they" is not clearly defined, and there is no mention of being stuck.

Lady, running down to the riptide

A riptide and the related rip current can actually be very dangerous, pushing an unsuspecting swimmer out past breaking waves and can result in drowning deaths.  I have no idea why anyone would want to run towards a riptide, especially a lady.

Taken away to the dark side

I wanna be your left hand man

And there it is.  Confirmation of Vance Joy's unholy intentions.  The Left-Hand Path is a term associated with black magic and Satanism.  He wants you to drown ("Taken away to the dark side"), and he wants to be there when you drown ("your left hand man"), wearing nothing but a recently butchered goat's head and a pair of breathable, but durable, linen slacks.

I love you when you're singing that song

Presumably something by Bathory.

And I got a lump in my throat

'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong

This is probably my favorite line from the song.  The anxiety that this man feels about you fucking up the words to "Bestial Lust" is so great that it manifests itself physically.  And since he's terrified of starting conversations with pretty girls, he's not going to say anything.  Instead, he's going to change the subject . . .

There's this movie that I think you'll like

That's pretty presumptuous, since you don't even know me.  Or maybe you do, Lord Baphomet.

This guy decides to quit his job and heads to New York City

Isn't this the plot to about 53% of the movies made in the 1980s?  It sounds like a terrible movie, since it's really hard to live comfortably in New York without a job.  Then again, as Aleister Crowley commanded, "Do what thou wilt."

This cowboy's running from himself

It is physically impossible to run from yourself.  Also, there are very few cowboy jobs in New York, due in large part to the total lack of cattle and dude ranches.

And she's been living on the highest shelf

Who's "she"?  Is the cowboy a tranny?  Or a hermaphrodite?  Who only drinks top-shelf booze?  Now the movie is sounding interesting.  Kind of like Boys Don't Cry meets High Noon meets Arthur meets Midnight Cowboy, but funnier and more poignant than all four combined.  It would star Ted Levine as the wealthy, dimwitted, and promiscuous -- yet lovable –- bisexual transvestite party cowboy Rooster Cockburn, who goes by the nickname "Dollarz."  I would call it "A Fistful of Dollarz," but that's just me.

[Chorus x1]

I just wanna, I just wanna know

If you're gonna, if you're gonna stay

What, for some sex magic?  I don't think so, pervert.

I just gotta, I just gotta know

I can't have it, I can't have it any other way

It's the age-old problem of "I can't even get off any more unless there's a knife in the bed."

I swear she's destined for the screen

Who?  The alcoholic shemale?

Closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen, oh

False.  Michelle Pfeiffer is the closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that I've ever seen.  Also, why Michelle Pfeiffer?  Probably because the chick is dressed head to toe in black latex (a la Catwoman) as part of whatever weird sex magic shit Joy has going on at the Boleskine House.

[Chorus x3]

So, there you have it.  Mystery solved.