Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Tuesday Top Ten: "Blue" Christmas Songs

We are now down to ten days until Christmas, which means that you are likely being inundated with holiday music wherever you go.  I like holiday tunes, from the classic to the cheesy to the rocking to the rapping.  Not all Christmas songs are all sleigh rides and anthropomorphic snowmen, however.  Some are quite blue, and I'm not talking about Elvis's classic, "Blue Christmas."  These songs are off-kilter, tongue-in-cheek, sexually suggestive, or just downright naughty.  With that, here are my top eleven "blue" Christmas songs (in alphabetical order by song title):

1.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Al Hirt and Ann-Margret
As I noted in my list of Top Ten Favorite Holiday Songs seven years ago, this is basically a date rape song.  I know Al Hirt and Ann-Margret's version isn't the original, but it's the one I have, and frankly, it's just as rapey as any other version.  From looking at the picture, perhaps this is the only way a guy who looks like Al Hirt could bag a dame who looks like Ann-Margret.

2.  "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter
The song is about banging chicks while their men are "out to play."  To get a nickname like Back Door Santa, presumably you have to be good at what you do, though.

3.  "C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S" by The Yobs
The holiday-time alter-ego of '70s British punk band The Boys, The Yobs decided to tell you what every letter in "Christmas" stands for.  "A is for the agony of catching your VD."  And that's one of the cleaner letters. You probably don't want to play this one at work.

4.  "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy
It's a cheesy, silly song, but at the heart of it, the song is about a drunken elderly woman getting trampled to death by a large, hoofed mammal.

5.  "Here Comes Santa's Pussy" by The Frogs
Setting aside the title of the song (although it supposedly means "cat," which I think makes less sense than the alternative), this song compares Santa to John Wayne Gacy.

6.  "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Ronettes
Originally sung by Little Jimmy Boyd, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is so ubiquitous that we don't really think about its lyrics.  The insinuation is that this kid is unknowingly watching his parents make out, but the fact of the matter is that this kid may also be watching his mom make out with a strange fat man.  I went with The Ronettes' version because any time I can hype the Phil Spector Christmas album, I will.

7.  "I Won't Be Home for Christmas" by Blink-182
This one is a typical Blink-182 song in its pop-punk sound and irreverent spirit, although it's the only one I know about hating Christmas.

8.  "Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt
Kitt oozes sexual innuendo in this one.  After explaining that she has not kissed many boys, she invites Santa to shave her pubic hair ("come trim my Christmas tree") and make quick love to her ("hurry down the chimney tonight").

9.  "Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'" by Bill Murray and George Clooney
The original version of this song by bluesman Albert King is a good one, but the version sung by Bill Murray and George Clooney during A Very Murray Christmas was pretty damn funny, so I'm including the video of that one.

10.  "Sexy Santa" by Steel Panther
Neo-hair metal masters Steel Panther update the Santa myth in a way that you would expect from Sunset Strip rockers.  Santa is now skinny, thanks to the Atkins Diet, and he has a "sackful of rubbers." This song is about as subtle as a Mack truck full of Sam Kinisons with bullhorns.

11.  "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" by Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg
The LBC's take on the classic Christmas poem features more sex and weed than the original, as you might expect.  Rest in peace, Nate Dogg.

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