The Hardest Button to Button

Well, I'm back from my weekend in South Central Indiana. Good times all around, as expected. Greg "Roamin'" Bohmann joined Jester and I for the whole weekend. I can only assume that he had a better time than Marv Alberts at a back-biting party (too soon?).

Friday night was the White Stripes concert in Indy at the Murat Theater (see picture to the right--yeah, I know it sucks, but it's a picture phone). Our seats were 16th row, center, which was awesome considering that the Murat is pretty small. The show was excellent, proving once again that the White Stripes are the greatest rock & roll band on the face of the Earth. Yes Christoff, even better than Air Supply. Meg White, while normally an average looking girl, is somehow extremely sexy on stage while bouncing up and down and pounding the drums. There's just something about her. Jack White, Meg's ex-husband, was looking as creepy as ever, sporting a pencil-thin mustache, some chin scruff, and skin paler than Michael Jackson's. He was, however, a master on the guitar, piano, and marimbas. They played a great set, with multiple songs from every one of their 5 albums. Highlights included a creepy cover of Dolly Parton's "Jolene," a fantastic, strobe-light-filled version of "Seven Nation Army," a Jack-solo-on-the-piano version of what I think will be a great late-night bar sing-along, "I'm Lonely, But I Ain't That Lonely Yet," and their finale, which was a house-rockin' cover of Leadbelly's "Da Ballit of de Boll Weevil."

After the show, it was off to the Mecca of all that is good and right in the world: Bloomington. Friday night was rather low key. Jester stayed in, and Greg and I went to Nick's (i.e., the greatest bar in the world) and Upstairs (i.e., the sweatiest bar in the world) for a couple drinks.

Saturday was the train wreck known as the IU/Nicholls State football game. Before I get to that, we must discuss tailgating. 4pm games are excellent because they allow for many hours of tailgating. Wee Wee and friends met me there, and I was able to get a prime parking spot next to them in the 2nd row. A new IU tradition started by new coach Terry Hoeppner is "The Walk" (see picture) where the players walk down the street in the middle of the tailgating fields and onto the stadium about 2 hours before the game, and the fans gather along the sides to cheer them to victory. It was good, but it will be even better when we start to beat 1-AA teams by more than 4 points and there are more than 40 people there.

The biggest and best part of tailgating was the fact that I was once again surrounded by the hottest women in the Midwest (including my lovely wife Jessie-- I love you). Apparently the new standard uniform for coeds is the miniskirt, thus replacing the sorostitute black pants that I grew to love in the late '90s. I am all for this change, and I thank whoever instituted it, as well as whoever brought dogs (especially the small ones) to the tailgating fields and whoever dropped footballs.

In addition to the beer drinking and occasional panty sighting, the biggest thing to come out of Saturday's tailgate was Jessie's new status: Legend. Here's how it went down. Some drunk idiot at the tailgate next to us was walking around with a little piece of shit dog that he kept claiming wasn't his. He happened to be wearing a Huntington North HS tennis shirt (Jessie's high school), so she went up to him to say "Go Vikes" (or whatever it is people from HNHS say to one another), and he was like, "Did you go to Huntington North? Are you a twin? Are you a Pope twin?" She of course says yes, and then all hell breaks loose. He yells to his buddies, "Hey guys, get over here. It's a Pope twin!" These guys end up being 4 years younger than Jessie (i.e., they never went to high school at the same time), yet somehow they knew that Jessie had an intership a couple summers ago in New York, that Ari was in Chicago, and that Jessie had been in Chicago. When Jessie inquired as to how these young sleuths knew this information, the answer was quite simple: "You're a Pope twin. You're a legend." So I'm married to a legend. I'm not sure exactly how to take that, but I'll assume it has more to do with her nun-chuck skills than anything else.

Now to the game . . .
Nicholls State shows up in the very same uniforms worn by the Ridgemont High Wolves. Apparently someone on IU messed up Charles Jefferson's Trans-Am pretty bad because these 1-AA mofos outplayed us. We gave up over 400 yards rushing. We only won by 4 points, which was only because we remembered that we're a Big Ten team and took the lead with 47 seconds left in the game. Until late in the 4th quarter, Nicholls State didn't have any passing yards. They ran my high school's wing-back triple option offense. If it didn't work against Downers Grove North, how the hell did it work against IU? This is possibly the worst showing I've ever seen by IU. Think about that for a second. This is the 10th year in a row I've had season tickets. I have missed exactly one home game in that span, and that was only because of a friend's wedding. Whether on TV or live, during that time I have seen, among other things:
-IU go 31-72 overall and 24-28 at home
-IU go 0-7 against Michigan, 0-7 against Ohio State, 0-7 against Penn State, 1-8 against Kentucky, 1-6 against Michigan State, and 2-7 against Purdue
-IU lose 62-0, 59-0, 58-0, 56-7, 55-7, 52-7 (twice), and 49-7
-Kentucky's Tim Couch throw 7 TD passes in one game
-Penn State's Larry Johnson run for 327 yards in one game
-Purdue's Kyle Orton throw for 530 yards in one game
-Michigan State score the first 3 times it touched the ball, with only one play on offense
-IU's own Chris "Instead of Taking a Sack, I'll Hand the Ball Off to the Defense" Dittoe play in more than one game
But I came away from the IU/Nicholls State game -- a squeak-out victory home victory over a 1-AA opponent -- feeling worse than any other game I've seen. Every time Nicholls State snapped the ball, the entire stadium (aside from the IU defense) knew it was either an option right or an option left. For God's sake, just put someone on the QB, someone on the FB, and someone on each RB.

I'm looking forward to this Saturday's match-up against the Kentucky Mildcats, who also struggled to beat a 1-AA opponent last Saturday, and who I assume does not run my high school's triple option attack offense. Regardless, IU is undefeated, and Terry Hoeppner is IU's first coach to start his career at IU 2-0 since Clyde B. Smith did so in 1948 (note: after outscoring their opponents 42-7 in those first 2 weeks, IU lost their remaining 7 games by a combined score of 210-33). If IU wins, the Hoosiers will be 3-0 (and will have won 3 in a row) for the first time since 1994 (IU's last winning season), and Hoeppner will be IU's first coach to start his career at IU 3-0 since James Sheldon led the Hoosiers to victories over Alumni (no wonder they won), Butler, and (you guessed it) Kentucky in his inaugural season 100 fucking years ago.

Saturday night was pretty mellow--just Nick's and Upstairs again. Watching Texas beat Ohio State was great, since most Buckeye fans I deal with on a day-to-day basis are morons. Sunday was great, since I basically just watched football for 12 hours (7 points--nice job Bears). Monday was great because I got to hold the careers of a bunch of law students in the palms of my cold, wretched hands. Ding!

Fantasy Update:
-Corn Hole'ers (Angry Pirates): 0-1
-FIC You (Car Ramrod): 1-0
-Glenview Gridiron (Angry Pirates): 1-0
-League of Extraordinary Gents (Angry Pirates): 1-0
-Pigskin 2005 Pick 'Em (Angry Pirates): 6 place (out of 16)