Who Does No. 2 Work For?

Nothing much has been going on here in Sunny D besides being on the right side of the grass for another day. Just workin' like a dog, waiting for the weekend so I can enjoy some hair of the dog. As Loverboy so aptly stated, everybody's workin' for the weekend. It's starting to get cold on my morning walk to work. Luckily I'm stubborn, so I refuse to wear a jacket and let Mother Nature know that she's beaten me. Small victories.

I've come across an interesting, semi-regular (no pun intended) occurrence here at my office, which I shall deem the "fecal phantom phenomenon." You see, the men's bathrooms here have only 2 stalls apiece. Hence, it's close (and extremely uncomfortable) quarters when both stalls are occupied. I am confused (and somewhat appalled) when someone enters the stall next to me and is done shitting and wiping in under a minute. I don't know how that's possible. Maybe these people are just taking 8-10 little shits throughout the day. Maybe they have discovered some sort of magical wiping technique. Whatever they're doing, they're certainly in and out too quickly to waste any time wiping off the seat or putting any toilet paper down on it before they sit down (nothing is more disconcerting than walking into a stall and seeing another dude's ass hair plastered all over the seat). And of course all I can see from the other stall is the bottom third of one of their shoes, so it's nearly impossible to figure out who these maladjusted, rapid-fire shitting machines are. Damn you fecal phantoms, damn you.

At 12:32pm CDT today (or 2:02pm NDT, for those of you living in Newfoundland and Labrador), it will mark 27 11/12 years since I escaped the cold, damp darkness of my mother's wretched womb so that I could watch IU stomp #19 Minnesota and give a big FU to all the doctors and nurses in Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis who no doubt went to Minnesota (since it's probably the only med school in the state). Man, it had to be a kick in the dick for my doctor to bring me out knowing that I would one day go to the school that was currently beating the shit out of his school. Speaking of IU football, the Hoosiers travel to Mad Town this Saturday for a meeting with those stinking Badgers. If IU wins, we will be 4-0 for the first time since 1990, and Terry Hoeppner will be the first IU coach ever to win his first 4 games at IU. And it would be the biggest win the program has had since we beat #9 Ohio State at the Horseshoe back in '87, on what OSU coach Earle Bruce described after the game as "the darkest day in Ohio State football history." Losing to IU is that bad I guess.

Fantasy Update (I know everyone was wondering):
-Corn Hole'ers (1976 Tampa Bay Bucs): 0-3 (T 7th)
-FIC You (Car Ramrod): 1-2 (T 5th)
-Glenview Gridiron (Angry Pirates): 2-0 (T 1st)
-League of Extraordinary Gents (Angry Pirates): 2-1 (T 1st)
-Pigskin 2005 Pick 'Em (Angry Pirates): 3rd overall (9th last week)

Who would've guessed that my team that has that gumpy SOB Peyton Manning and his two shining star receivers, Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, would be 0-3? Manning with only 2 TD passes? Harrison and Wayne with only 1 TD between the two of them? It makes about as much sense as the lyrics to a Beck song. Until they win, they will be the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs. I'm actually thinking about benching Manning this week in favor of Michael Vick. This move of course would ensure that Manning will break Norm Van Brocklin's and Sid Luckman's respective records of 554 yards and 7 TDs, and that on the first play of the game, both of Vick's legs will be broken in spectacular, career-ending fashion, not unlike what LT did to Joe Theismann back in '85.

Every time I look at this picture of Vincent Price, I crack up, so I'm posting it yet again for everyone's enjoyment. Look at him: pencil-thin mustache, dressed like a champ, holding some sort of glass orb, with eyebrows that say, "get the fuck off my couch."