"Nothing Lasts Forever, and We Both Know Hearts Can Change"

Well, my favorite groupie, Candi Kane, and I got into a huge fight last night. I had just finished a huge memo, and I nailed it. It was the kind of memo that makes a normal dude into a legend. Afterward I was ready to party. Only after I drank about a half a bottle of Beam in an hour does Candi tell me that she went down on Rikki a few months ago after he filed a big motion. Granted, it's not like I own her, but it's an unwritten rule that groupies can only do one guy in the same firm, unless of course it's okay with the guy (i.e., double team or fingercuffs). So I start yelling at Candi. She starts throwing file folders and Northeast Reporters at me. I tell her to get the fuck out of my office, and she did. Needless to say, today's Hair Band Friday has been filled with more somber songs, including the last three: Cinderella's "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)," G 'N' F'n' R's "November Rain," and Poison's up-tempo, yet dark, "Fallen Angel."

With the return of The OC, my Thursday nights are once again meaningful. Last night was solid. That cock chugger Dean Hess (shown here right before a cock-chugging session) finally got his comeup'ns. Sandy Cohen is a hell of a bluffer. Taylor Townsend (shown here, being a total queefball) may be a cold-hearted, blumpkin-giving whore, but she's no match for the wit of Seth Cohen and boobs of Summer Roberts, whose ingenious plan got Ryan back into Harbor (now I can finally sleep through the night again). And what the shit was Ryan thinking about becoming a commercial fisherman? Hadn't he seen The Perfect Storm (hell, that was the title of the episode, after all)? Maybe a trip to the Flemish Cap and a Nor'easter would have made him realize that it was not a good idea to leave a hot chick who likes having sex with you behind on land for several weeks at a time to be the new meat for a group of fish-soaked, obese, sex-deprived men with no shower facilities. We're still left with several questions that we can only hope will be answered before Chrismukkah:

1. What in God's name is that thieving whore Charlotte (Jeri Ryan) going to do to get money out of Julie Cooper-Nichol or Kirsten? How many times does Kirsten have to say "My dad left me nothing in his will" for Charlotte to get the picture?
2. Will that surfer dude Johnny (who, incidentally has probably the most douchetastic haircut of all-time, as seen in this picture) really make a move on Marissa, even though he already has a hot girlfriend (granted, his girlfriend's teeth can cut through a cinder block in 1 second flat)?
3. Will Ryan be able to resist the ever-present allure of a life at sea?
4. Will Dean Hess continue to chug cock, and if so, how many each hour?
5. Why the fuck did someone bring a baby to my office today?

I'm heading to B-town this weekend (along with 10-15 others) to see the Hoosiers battle the Golden Gophers. With IU sitting at 4-4, they need to win 2 out of their last 3 to go to their first bowl since 1993. They play at the Big House next week, and then return to Memorial Stadium for the Bucket game against the state of Indiana's skidmark, Purdue. IU always plays tough against Minnesota at home (the Gophers haven't won in B-town in 20 years), but the IU defense is banged up and Minnesota's RB Laurence Maroney is good enough to be playing on Sundays next year. Something's gotta give.

No matter what happens, we're staying in the Metz Suite (the entire 6th floor of the hotel in the Indiana Memorial Union). I'll be sure to get some sweet pictures of the buffalo and okapi heads on the wall. I only hope that I will once again put myself in a situation where I am shattering a LaBamba burrito man bobble head over Ryan Christoff's head in a fit of blind rage.